My Dailies

Lately I have felt foggy.

I think this is what trauma does. 

It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.

Pinocchio started therapy last week.  He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family.  It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own.  It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.

But this is what we do as parents right? 

I don't know actually. 

But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.

ONE STEP AT A TIME

Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies.  For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:

Dailies (examples)

- Personal: 

     Keep a Journal

     Repeat Daily Affirmations

     Personal Development - start a new hobby

                                         take a community education course 

                                         express creativity such as art and/or poetry

     Recovery Reading or Step-Work

- Physical:

     Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...

     Nutrition - plan meals

                     avoid junk food

     Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep

                                      limit TV time

- Spiritual:

     Prayer

     Meditation

     Scripture or Religious Reading

     Church Service

These are my dailies for the week... 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL

I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.

I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.

I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.

It is as though OCD has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL.
And it's a bitch.

Meet Knave of Hearts

I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction. 

Here I am

I'm healing.
My marriage is healing.

But my heart is broken as the affect of pornography spread to another in my family.

This time it is my child.

We've done everything to educate and teach no shame and healthy sexuality like all the professionals recommend. I've read books and stepped out of my comfort zone to create safety and security for my family and my chil
dren.

We have filters.
We aren't rookies.

And yet... here I am.
With a broken heart.

People Notice

People Notice. 

They have been asking me "what's wrong?" or "what's going on?" and they tell me "I'm worried about you" because they have noticed my subtle steps backwards. My isolation.

It's not like me. 

It's also not like me to share another persons story {especially a loved ones story}.  It's not like me to share someone else's secrets or their shame. 

But what happens if I am a part of their story? What happens if someone else's story directly affects me and hurts me so deeply that I leave Facebook and Voxer and all my chat groups? 

Because I did.

What happens if I don't ever want to leave my bed? 

Because I don't. 

And what happens when people start noticing? 

Because they do. 

Slipping into Darkness

Hopeless Alice

I have been through some crazy shit lately.

I've been traveling non-stop for 2 months for work, weddings, family vacations, the Togetherness Project... it's been so great and I am so grateful but it was too much.  Then, when I finally returned home, I prepared my house for company and the celebration of my daughters baptism.  It was too much. My life became unmanageable... it still is unmanageable.

To top it all off, my dad had an accident.  While helping my husband cut down our trees he fell.  He just fell out of a tree from 20 feet up and smacked directly on the cement.  I saw the whole thing.  The whole damn thing.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

This post isn't about my dad falling from a tree, he is alright and very lucky only suffering from 3 broken ribs, cuts, bruises and a shattered wrist injury that resulted in surgery.  So he's okay.

This post is about a different kind of fall.  One that is MORE traumatic to me than my dad falling.

This post is about a man (not Mr. Wonderful) a different man, let's call him Art.  I look up to Art so much.  I admire and trust and love him.  Art is a man who has taught me so much.  Art is a man who stands for truth and righteousness, who loves God and his family.  I know that if I was every in trouble I could pick up the phone and Art would help me anyway that he could.

The same week that my dad fell out of the tree injuring his body was the same week Art asked me to look up something on his phone and I stumbled across a history of pornography.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

What do I do?  How do I process this?  

Art is a pornography addict.  I knew about this.  I also "knew" that he was in recovery.  So did his wife and family.

I adore and love Art, just like I adore and love my dad.  My heart is broken.  My hope seems to be diminishing.  This world, this addiction, is taking even the best hearted people.  I am overwhelmed and I'm feeling myself slipping down the rabbit hole.

I feel heartbroken.
I feel sad.
I feel confused.
I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
I feel scared.

I am Slipping into darkness.  

I would rather have my dad fall out of a tree sustaining the injuries he received than have Art fall back into his addiction.

I CAN'T BREATH.

I Don't Understand

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Why do you find it so difficult to love me?  Why have you ALWAYS found it so difficult to accept me completely?  Why do you struggle finding peace in your decision to be with me?  I just don't understand.

I remember the day you knelt down on your knee in the snow and asked me to be your wife.  I remember feeling like the LUCKIEST girl in the world.  I remember feeling such relief that the ups and downs of our dating relationship and your indecisiveness were OVER!  I waited patiently, even though it hurt me, when you wanted to break up and then be together and then break up just so you could make sure you were able to venture out, but I understood.

Now I don't.

The Darkness will Clear

Mr. Wonderful got me my own hotel room for one night so I can get grounded again. I know he does this 99% for me and my sanity but that other 1% comes from his fear of "WHAT THE DAMN HELL IS HAPPENING TO HER!" 

My daughter is taking all of this better than I am. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
I have been working with the detectives and the police.  They have brought a lot of clarity to me. I hate it when people lie. I especially hate it when someone I really trust lies to me. I am surviving but I can't believe what people will do to cover their tracks. But I guess I can, I am just use to it from addicts. 

A Day to Erase

Today my 7 year old daughter was molested. 
The story is long and the details are confusing. 

The 15 year old boy that molested her has special needs. 

It is complicated but it never should have happened. 

It was preventable. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
As I go back through my writings that I never published my blood boils so much at the entire day. 
I have to edit most of this original entree. 

My daughter is strong. 
She spoke up immediately. 
She talks about things openly. 
She is beautifully healing. 

Ironic Honesty

For so long I have begged for honesty.
No matter how cruel or painful or disgusting or impossible honesty seemed, I begged for it.

As honesty becomes more consistent for Mr. Wonderful it becomes less painful for me.
Currently it is a part of our lives and our marriage.

However, sometimes honesty stings me like the day I found out about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
It comes out of nowhere and rips my heart apart.

It is so random.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching a video that I am in.
The video was made public today and it is currently on an addiction recovery site.
It exposes Mr. Wonderful and his addiction.
He was more than supportive for me to participate... now that I think about it, he was more excited for me to participate than I was!

Anyway, back to my story.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching this vulnerable video and afterwards, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he was nervous about finding it and viewing it.

His answer...
An ex-girlfriend.

He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend would find the video and discover that he wasn't the perfect man he led her to believe that he was.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend may realize that what seemed like a teenage heartbreak, was actually a blessing as the man of her dreams was an addict in disguise.
He was concerned that this specific ex-girlfriend would express a sigh of relief when she realized that  by the Grace of God she was spared major heartbreak and betrayal from Mr. Wonderful.

I beg for honesty and Mr. Wonderful was honest.

And his honesty hurt like hell.

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

Alone

How is it possible to be in a room surrounded by wonderful people and feel completely alone?

How is it possible to be around other woman who have husbands with sex addictions and feel like no one understands you?  

Someone explain to me how this is even possible.

Because it's how I feel.

And I hate it.

Loneliness is an awful feeling.

An awful empty feeling.

It's Time

I have been super busy with a work project.  Having a big project has been the perfect excuse for me to hide from my marriage and hide from the reality that I have some pretty big decisions to make.

I am happy that this project is over.

and...

I am terrified that this project is over.

Here I go... wish me luck.

Breathing

I swore I would NEVER have another separation in my life... EVER.  I swore that the 8 month separation back in 2010 would be the only time Mr. Wonderful and I would have to sit down with our wide-eyed carefree kids and explain to them that their parents need space to breath think.  And in order for that to happen, the man they adore and love, their dad (Mr. Wonderful) would have to move out.

In 2010 when reconciling after our separation I remember telling Mr. Wonderful, "this is it, if we can't make this work we are divorcing because I don't believe in separating for convenience and confusing our kids"... and now, well...

Mr. Wonderful moved out on Monday.  I asked him to.  He was cordial and somewhat understanding.
He knows that he has hurt me on a indescribable level.  He gets that.  He doesn't think he can help it so he wishes I was just strong enough to understand when he tells me he resents me for not being "the hottest" but he understands how that stabs me so hard that I feel like I am dying inside hurts me a little.

So, we are breathing.
I am breathing.

Or maybe I will start breathing in a few days or weeks because right now I'm finding it pretty difficult to breath.

Mr. Wonderful, why? why?? WHY??? can't you love me?

WHY?  
Just love me.  
Just let me be enough. 
or just get some courage and confidence Alice and stop caring if he loves you or not...

engulfed

Today I 

am: 

         Exhausted 
         Defeated
         Hopeless
         Hurting
         Confused 
         Sad
         Angry
         Lonely 
         Ugly
         Empty 
         Scared

                          

Today I am engulfed in WONDERLAND. 

                                                              Today I am just going to survive... or try to. 

I can relate...

Let me touch on something I haven’t really talked about on this blog yet. 

My addiction. 

Yes, I hate and love and hate that I can relate to Mr. Wonderful and his sex addiction. 

I mostly hate it. 

And I mostly am so grateful for this knowledge.

Let me try to explain my bipolar emotions on the subject.... 

I can’t imagine how it would be to try to understand addiction without having my own experience with it, with my eating disorder.  I have heard, on more than many occasions, hurting wife’s plead with their husbands to “just stop”… “why can’t you JUST STOP?”… “don’t you love me? don’t you love our children?  don’t you love our family more than you love pornography or sex or your addiction?”  “Yes, yes I do love you and our children and our family more than I love my addiction!” the husband explains.  “Then why don’t you just STOP?” cries the wife. 

Well, lucky me (or is it unlucky me), I haven’t had to completely start at the beginning with the concept of the power of addiction.  So, although I have heard my own pleas at Mr. Wonderful to “just stop” I live in the reality that it isn’t that easy. 

If it was… I would have “just stopped” with my eating disorder behaviors and thoughts years ago.

I have lived with the pain of people judging my struggles.  I have lived with people pleading with me to “just stop”… “if you love your family, if you loved your kids, you would stop being so selfish and STOP… just eat, JUST EAT ALICE!” 

These pleas, these words never rang truer and louder in my head then when I was facing inpatient treatment with potentially months apart from my little family.  Believe me, no one was harder on me than myself.  “Oh Alice,” I would cry, “just eat… you can avoid this whole situation if you just eat… you are so selfish so unbelievably wrapped up in yourself, you are a bad mother, a terrible wife, an incredibly indecent HUMAN BEING, just eat.”…but I couldn’t, I was too far down the path to “just eat”.

Sounds ridiculous huh?  It’s okay, you can say it, I get it, it does sound ridiculous… but, I just couldn’t eat. 

So, I couldn’t think straight, I started randomly passing out, my liver started failing. 

And I had to leave my family.  I could have died.  I really had to leave my family, for 75 days. 

And it was so painful and so awful that I rarely let my mind go back to the day that I drove away with Mr. Wonderful.  I drove away from my home, I drove away from my children, leaving them lost and confused and too young to understand. 

Oh, this brings back so much pain. 

I’m going to take a time-out before proceeding with this post and where I was hoping to go with it. 

Bothered

I have a difficult time trusting myself and my instincts.  After Mr. Wonderful dropped the mother bomb on my back in 2007 I have tried to stay grounded, I have tried to be insightful, I have tried to be sensitive to my feelings and emotions, I have tried to be in-tune.  However, I find it hard to know if the spirit is telling me something or if it's my fear or paranoia.  This has been a constant struggle for me and what's sad about it is that sometimes, Mr. Wonderful has used my doubt and capitalized on it.

The truth is, I had NO IDEA about Mr. Wonderful's addiction until he told me.  The truth is I had NO INTUITION about the secrets and lies.  The truth is I was the LAST to realize what my life REALLY was.

So, trusting myself doesn't come easy.

I doubt my thoughts, feelings, choices, boundaries, etc… so much.

With this said, the other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking… wait -- wait -- wait, first I should say that Mr. Wonderful is actively and proactively working his recovery.  He really started kicking things in gear 6 months ago.  I have seen actually changes that, before this last year, have only manifested in words, not deeds.  Mr. Wonderful truly is trying and fighting harder now than he ever has.  Okay, now I can go on…

The other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking.  He was telling me about his progress.  He shared that he is still tempted to look at other women but 9 times out of 10 he pushes the thought away and doesn't give in to the temptation.  This bothered me.  This is where I need help from you guys reading this, if anyone is reading this… please, if you are reading this help me!  I told Mr. Wonderful that I don't feel that it is fair to me to have share a bed with a man who 1 time out of 10 gives in to a temptation of looking in a lustful way at another woman.

Okay, so is this too much?  Is my request or my expectations even reasonable?

I feel like the world says men are men, they are going to look.  Can they even help it?

Also, I don't know why this bothers me so bad.  My husband has been diagnosed with a "sex" addiction.  He attends SAA meetings.  On the invisible scale of sex and pornography Mr. Wonderful has ventured far FAR further than checking out girls every once in a while.  So why does this bother me so much?

It bothers me that it bothers me.

I hate that I feel like I'm being too hard on him.  When I look at it I wish I felt grateful.  I mean, I AM grateful that he's not at the strip clubs, I am happy that he isn't getting lap dances or flirting or talking sexual with those ladies.  I am grateful that he isn't visiting adult bookstores or spending our money on girls and sexual things… because he has done that, ALL that, before.

So, why am I so bothered by the 1 out of 10 girls thing?  On the invisible scale of what my husband has done from WAY awful to WAY great, shouldn't dismissing the temptation 9 out of 10 times be something I celebrate?

But I'm not celebrating.

And the last 2 nights, ever sense that talk that Mr. Wonderful and I had, I have been sleeping in my bed alone.  Mr. Wonderful is wondering if I intend to keep him out of my bed until he can promise me that he NEVER looks at another women again.

I told him that I'm not sure.

And I'm not.

***Please, please, PLEASE leave your comments or your input here.  This is one of those posts that I truly am asking for some insight***

Lately.

Lately I feel like I'm spinning into an oblivion.

I am wounded and I am not scabbing over.  I want to be a scar.  You can't hurt a scar.  You can see a scar and you absolutely remember how it got there but, unlike an open wound or a scab, you can't hurt a scar.

After all these years my pain is still too raw.  Raw feels awful.  Raw feels vulnerable.  Raw feels sensitive.  Raw feels like spinning.

Help.
Alice.

Chastity

Chastity.

What a lesson.  My dear friend who is a convert and who is really great about being REAL gave the lesson in Gospel Essentials today.  It was tender and raw and heartbreaking all stuffed into 1 hour!  I felt sad.  I felt like a victim.  I felt angry at Mr. Wonderful for breaking the covenants that would qualify not only him but our entire family for the blessings and gifts that come from our Heavenly Father when  all members of a family are living the Law of Chastity.

The promises are beautiful.

Did you know that the topic "Chastity" can be found in the Gospel Principles manual under the topic "family salvation"?  Neither did I.  Vanessa Moodie says, "A realization hit me like a burst of light!  This law was designed specifically to protect not just individuals but also the most basic and important unit of heaven and earth… the family.  I realized that this law will do more than any other commandment in protecting and strengthening the family.  What a blessing!  What a glorious blessing!" You can find the full talk "The Blessing of Chastity" here.

Yes, what a blessing.  However, what a sad realization when I know that Mr. Wonderful hasn't and isn't completely keeping the law of chastity.  So, does this mean that because he falls short on this very serious commandment my entire family suffers?  

I don't like this thought.  

I am confused.  If the only person I can control is me.  If the only person I can change is me.  If the only person I can save is me then why can someone else's action and choices take certain promises and blessings away from me and my children?  Am I still promised these blessings but without my husband on board, I'm just don't get the fulness of these blessings?  

I don't like this thought.

Please Mr. Wonderful… choose the right thing. For you. For me. For our beautiful family.

I hope your loved ones make the right choices, regardless, we can be happy and whole and feel complete even if they don't.  I am not speaking from experience, because I'm not there… not yet, but I do believe this is possible.

I like this thought.

Alice

Someone Else...

Can someone else please tell me what to do?  I will do anything ANYTHING you tell me to do if it will make this madness go away, this heavy fog lift, this spinning and swirling stop.  Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. 

JUST. TELL. ME.

Alice in Wonderland

But, no matter how much I beg and cry and kick and scream, no one has my answers, no one can fix me, no one can fix my husband or my situation or my marriage.  No one can erase all the lies and deception and betrayal of the past and replace it with truth and happiness and fields of flowers for me to run through all day long.  I want someone to tell me if I should divorce or stay married.  I want someone to tell me if this is all for the better of me AND my children and if so, yeah, I'll stay.  I want someone to measure the damage that has been done and will be done to my children because their home doesn't feel safe.  I want someone to know and tell me if this damage is "fixable" or not.  I want someone to tell me HOW MUCH LONGER this will last so I can decide what to do.  "One more year you say?.. then I'll stay."  "Until I die you say?..then I'm gone."  But no one has told me this yet.  No one has given me the answers.  No one has looked into my future and said "Alice, you need to take the pill that says "small" and all will be fixed.  No one.  Not my bishop.  Not my parents.  Not my husband.  Not my WoPa friends.  Not my Stake President.  Not the people I trust.  No one.  

This is hard.  

I want someone to do all the hard work and find all the answers and then ship them to me express mail and way-lah!  "Oh, this isn't reality?  This will never happen?"  

This is hard.    

I attended "The Togetherness Project" this last weekend and the information I inhaled was so great.  It was so real and so relatable and so what I needed to hear.  But while I was there I realized something that I think I already knew… I realized, I am on my own journey.  I didn't like realizing that and I still don't like how it feels in my gut, it's scary.  I mean, I was surrounded by women that had been just as betrayed and hurt and discouraged and hopeless and confused and BROKEN as I am… and yet, my journey and my answers and my path will vary from theirs, and theirs will vary from each others.

This is hard.

I am realizing that I have to work.  I have to work hard and be strong and move.  I am realizing that although I am a victim to the choices that loved ones in my life have made, I don't get a "pass".  I have to fight.  I have to fight hard.  I know I am not alone but I am alone in my own journey.  I know I have support from loved ones and I have people cheering for me and I even know, at times, I will walk with others on their journey as our paths come together, but eventually, they will break apart and I will be on my own path again.

I am accepting that I have to work.  I am accepting that it's going to be hard.  What works for one may not work for me.  As my dear friend Scabs said at the Togetherness Project, I have to… HAVE to be BRAVE.

Alice is beautiful and strong.    

I am the only one that knows.
I am the only one that can make the really hard decisions.
I am the only one that can feel what to do.

This is hard.
I am Brave.
Trust yourself Alice.