Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

By the Betrayed

I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.

The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.

I want to protect the people whose names are involved.
It's not fair to them.

I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.

It broke my heart.

When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.

What do I do?

People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."

Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.

Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.

I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.

"Alice Where Have You Been?"

Where have I been?

I have been honored to be part of some projects on fighting pornography.  I have been interviewed for a book that is currently being written about the effects that pornography and sex addiction has on the spouse of an addict.  I have been asked to present on pornography and participated in firesides about body image and eating disorders.  I have felt so under qualified to work with so many amazing people who dedicate their lives to making this world a better place.

I have been fighting for my marriage.  I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition.  I have been fighting against myself to trust my husband... because it feels like it's time to take those steps but I am terrified to take those steps.

I have been raising 3 beautiful children.  Teaching them about all the scary things that exist in this world and all the wonderful things and all the things in-between.  I have watched as my oldest has ventured into the big world of Jr. High and my baby growing into a little lady.

But mostly, of all these things I've been doing and all these places I have been, I am recovering.

This year has been so difficult.

Specifically one incident involving my baby has been so difficult.  And, although it was one single incident, there were so many factors that enabled this incident.  So many neglectful and painful factors.  However, this isn't my story to tell, it is hers.  I am a part of her story but it isn't mine to share.

As for my part in her story, my recovery from what she went through...

I seem to remember all the details yet, at the same time, it has felt like a tornado with winds blowing me every which way.

How does time and trauma do that?  How can it seem so fast and violent and out of control and yet, time seems to move in slow motion so that I don't miss any of the painful details?

Time is so strange.
Life is so hard.

I had a friend ask me today, "Alice, where have you been?"

I have been everywhere.  Some places have been beautiful and hopeful and wonderful.  Some places have been ugly and hopeless and dark.  I have been up and down and everywhere in between but the one place I haven't been is here.  I didn't know how to be here without writing a story that wasn't mine to write so I took a break and waited until I was ready, and now I'm ready.

Now I am here.

The Darkness will Clear

Mr. Wonderful got me my own hotel room for one night so I can get grounded again. I know he does this 99% for me and my sanity but that other 1% comes from his fear of "WHAT THE DAMN HELL IS HAPPENING TO HER!" 

My daughter is taking all of this better than I am. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
I have been working with the detectives and the police.  They have brought a lot of clarity to me. I hate it when people lie. I especially hate it when someone I really trust lies to me. I am surviving but I can't believe what people will do to cover their tracks. But I guess I can, I am just use to it from addicts. 

Fake Trustworthiness

Untrustworthy people who fake trustworthiness are the worst.
But it feels really great when they put their lies in writing and get caught.

TRUTH ALWAYS WINS
IT JUST TAKES TIME

UCAP

Alice, be true to yourself and your moral compass. 

Surrender to God and find peace.

Breakdown

This stuff with my little girl is killing me.

I am so helpless in all of this. I feel like things are always “unique” and I can't ever find a place to express my anger. I am not allowed to be mad at "the boy" for touching Bella because he's down syndrome.  I can't be mad at "my friend" who was responsible for Bella when it happened  because we share the same social network. 

But I feel so angry. 
So so angry. 
I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

A Day to Erase

Today my 7 year old daughter was molested. 
The story is long and the details are confusing. 

The 15 year old boy that molested her has special needs. 

It is complicated but it never should have happened. 

It was preventable. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
As I go back through my writings that I never published my blood boils so much at the entire day. 
I have to edit most of this original entree. 

My daughter is strong. 
She spoke up immediately. 
She talks about things openly. 
She is beautifully healing. 

Spinning

My life feels like it's spinning out of control.

- Oldest child is out of control. Mean.

- I am feeling hardening towards Mr. Wonderful to protect myself from him.

- Togetherness 

- Middle child getting over looked. 

- I am hating my body.