tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70075038868933664992024-03-12T18:34:31.909-07:00Alice Looking for Wonderful LandLoving a sex addict.
Healing from an eating disorder. Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-37646341162876611662020-06-04T14:36:00.000-07:002020-06-04T14:36:18.187-07:00it's not fair<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mr. Wonderful is a sex addict. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I wanted to do everything in my power to give my kids the best chance they had at not being sex addicts.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>So I asked.</i></span><br />
<b></b><b></b><i></i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I asked Mr. Wonderful what he thought would have helped him better as a child and a teenager. I asked the professionals what the best things were to help my kids navigate their natural hormones, learn about healthy sexuality, and avoid pornography. I asked the wives and moms of sex addicts what they thought the best avenues were when trying to talk and teach children. I asked coaches and bishops and teachers and leaders. I read books and articles and went to seminars and conferences on the topic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I learned a lot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And then came the part where I applied the things I learned. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We took away the shame as we had/have open discussions about pornography and healthy sexuality. We talk about natural hormones and what that feels like and what looks like. We talk about respect and consent and accountability. We read all of the books that were recommended to us with each child individually (<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays/dp/0997318732">Good Pictures Bad Pictures</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-8-11/dp/0986370819">30Days of Sex Talks</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Gospel-Answers-Maturation/dp/157345821X">Growing Up</a>, etc... <span style="font-size: x-small;">{all fabulous books by the way}</span>). We talked as a family and together set up internet and device filters to help prevent exposures. We lovingly listen without reacting when our kids <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>come to us with problems and issues regarding pornography and sex {this one is so hard to do because inside I am SCREAMING in fear}.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">WE DO EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT TO DO… and it doesn’t seem to be working.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I find myself feeling a little hopeless, maybe even <i>victim-y</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of my children are struggling with pornography. Some may even say that he is addicted. I think that he is addicted. I can’t believe I am having to go through this as a mom after experiencing it as a wife. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I just need to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a bit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s not fair.</span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-27451256417362401342019-09-27T15:20:00.001-07:002019-09-27T15:20:34.084-07:00Bipolar <br />
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This past year things have been difficult and complicated and confusing. I wish I could say that things with Knave have improved, I so wish I could say that. I also wish that writing about my kids and their struggles was easy, it's not... that's why I haven't done it. There is a intuition to protect Knave, I didn't have that same intuition when I wrote about Mr. Wonderful, it was a lot easier to throw everything out there knowing that others were in my same boat and that we were all trying to help and support each other... right now I feel like I'm in my own boat, on my own island, where no one can relate.<br />
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Without going into too many details, I will say that things have been escalating with Knave and his extreme mood swings for a long time. It's been hard on the family, it's been hard on me, it's been hard on my other two kiddos, it's just been really hard. <br />
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In some ways I feel that I have forgotten to parent with boundaries because Knave can get aggressive and violent so I'm scared into giving him his own way just to keep the peace. It feels like he has hijacked our family.<br />
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Everything came crashing down this last week, the police came, the firemen came, the paramedics came. He was suicidal. He was homicidal. They took him away to a behavior facility, he stayed there for a week. I can't express how hard that week was. The mess we had to clean up, the explaining we had to do with our other kids, the anxiety, the fear, the unknown, and the most scary thing was when it was time to come home... what changed? How will things improve? How do I do this?<br />
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Knave was re-diagnosed with OCD, we already knew this, but his new diagnosis is bipolar. <br />
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Knave is bipolar. <br />
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This terrifies me. What does his future look like? What does our future look like? How can we support and help him while keeping our other children feeling safe in their own home? <br />
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These are the questions that haunt me. I don't have the answers. We are getting help. We are in therapy, we have a behavior specialist to help Knave at home, we are working with the psychiatrists to get him on the right medication, we are investigating residential treatment facilities, we are doing all we can.<br />
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I hope it's enough.<br />
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Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's enough.<br />
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I don't know. Is there anyone out there that can relate? <br />
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In all of this, his porn addiction has escalated. He's taking more risks. I feel so overwhelmed.<br />
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One thing that makes all of the difference is that Mr. Wonderful and I are connected, we are on the same page. Mr. Wonderful works on his recovery everyday and he stays sober and I am so grateful for that because I couldn't get through this without him. <br />
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Even in the dark there is light, even if it's tiny.Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-10873268875946319482018-07-25T09:49:00.000-07:002018-07-25T09:50:50.813-07:00Peace<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O2fEkwT-l30/W1ipnQIAThI/AAAAAAAAAws/U3P7_LgsL0E4miACgWPg5UzEZ09Bk6lVACLcBGAs/s1600/Knave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="352" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O2fEkwT-l30/W1ipnQIAThI/AAAAAAAAAws/U3P7_LgsL0E4miACgWPg5UzEZ09Bk6lVACLcBGAs/s400/Knave.jpg" width="256" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Knave is doing better. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That process is over. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am so grateful. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person. Not just a little different but night and day different. I am so <b>SOOOOO GRATEFUL</b> for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography. I am interested by this. I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack</span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">{OCD} </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">than medication could help with that. I suppose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I find myself scared to trust this new normal. Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment. As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Man you guys <span style="font-size: xx-small;">{for the 3 readers that follow this blog} </span>life is hard. It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard. But we keep moving right?</span>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-42495239928949397632018-07-24T20:47:00.002-07:002018-07-24T20:47:50.569-07:00Stay or Leave <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ors60WmbYCw/W1fxvS1mMbI/AAAAAAAAAwQ/7kXdeE0toJ4ic3ewXrtFvlpQRo1PTxiZgCLcBGAs/s1600/296a76daa6685c0f4e2b9304adc54ff7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="416" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ors60WmbYCw/W1fxvS1mMbI/AAAAAAAAAwQ/7kXdeE0toJ4ic3ewXrtFvlpQRo1PTxiZgCLcBGAs/s1600/296a76daa6685c0f4e2b9304adc54ff7.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sometimes when people hear my story they say, "oh I would NEVER stay around if someone did that to me" or "I would NEVER forgive my husband if the treated me the way yours treated you." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think they mean well but sometimes it hurts my feelings or makes me feel a little insecure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At times Mr. Wonderful was borderline abusive to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Maybe some wouldn't use the word borderline.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship if they don't feel safe but I suppose I stayed in an abusive relationship that I didn't feel safe in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And yet, I am so grateful for Mr. Wonderful and where he and I am today. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He's my best friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My confidant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have left, I was so close to leaving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the end, I think everyone has a story and every story is different and everyone has the right to do what is best for them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Stay. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Leave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's all unique and there is no universal right or wrong answer for everyone. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm so glad I stayed but I will support anyone who chooses to leave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I will also try not to say, "If I was in that person's situation I would do this or I would do that" because honestly, I don't know what I would do and it only hurts the people in those situations when I pretend like I do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Let's all love a little harder and judge a little less... especially ourselves. </span><br />
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Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-63440038971590504942018-07-20T19:31:00.002-07:002018-07-20T19:31:31.231-07:00A Bikini at Church<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hNU0IPSoHuw/W1Kaxs-wbwI/AAAAAAAAAvw/zE1WvAjdWf0qqLV_3DuHIXL7JltIavX3gCLcBGAs/s1600/s-l300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hNU0IPSoHuw/W1Kaxs-wbwI/AAAAAAAAAvw/zE1WvAjdWf0qqLV_3DuHIXL7JltIavX3gCLcBGAs/s1600/s-l300.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">We were visiting a different ward on Sunday because an amazing couple we know was leaving on a mission. </span><br />
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During the meeting we were asked to stand and sing a hymn. The dad in front of us couldn't stand because his little daughters head was resting on his lap while she napped.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This gave my 13-year old son and myself a perfect view of this man and what he was doing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He was on his phone. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Who am I to judge?<o:p></o:p></div>
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He got on Instagram and a girl in a bikini popped up on his feed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Who am I to judge? But my son noticed and looked at me. I kind of shrugged and kept singing the hymn. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The Instagram feed adjusted to being turned on and the bikini picture disappeared.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We kept singing and the dad in front of us kept scrolling until he found... THE BIKINI PICTURE AGAIN. <o:p></o:p></div>
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He viewed the bikini photo that had disappeared too soon for his liking. He even scrolled in to get a better look.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My son looked back up at me and by now I was fuming. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1rUH8pi-_7M/W1KaT8tsIpI/AAAAAAAAAvg/khUKS5ZEyIML8vKIA3xp_UOoIvvbRerWwCLcBGAs/s1600/facepalm%2Bcloseup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="164" data-original-width="308" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1rUH8pi-_7M/W1KaT8tsIpI/AAAAAAAAAvg/khUKS5ZEyIML8vKIA3xp_UOoIvvbRerWwCLcBGAs/s1600/facepalm%2Bcloseup.jpg" /></a>Here we were at CHURCH. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Where is the honesty? Where is the example? Where can a mom and her kids have a break from the worlds agendas and influence? <o:p></o:p></div>
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CHURCH????? Nope. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I looked at my son and said, "I'm sorry you had to see this. It's not fair and I am sorry that this man, this priesthood leader is being a bad example of the power he holds." <o:p></o:p></div>
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We kept singing. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I wanted to reach over and grab his wife and hug her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
After the song I leaned over and told my mom what had happened. She got even more fired up than I was!!! She looked at me and said, "I'm saying something to him after the meeting." <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
And she did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
She actually walked right up to him and asked if he had a moment. They sat down on the bench and she told him what had happened. She told him she wasn't there to judge him only to let him know of the situation he had accidentally put others in. {but lets get real man, you shouldn't be zooming in at the stuff regardless of where you are}<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The dad was uncomfortable and probably really embarrassed. Our purpose wasn't to embarrass him. He mumbled around and tried to minimize what he did {"the picture popped up, I didn't know that was going to happen"} but he did apologize. I was grateful for the apology.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Mostly, I was grateful for my badass mom who was brave enough to say something. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
She was the true example that day. And her grandson {my 13-year old} knows he's important enough to speak up for. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
What would you have done? </div>
<o:p></o:p>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-25606379015860717642018-05-04T14:39:00.000-07:002018-07-25T09:35:18.016-07:00Suicidal<div>
<br /></div>
Today the police came over... AGAIN. <br />
<br />
This is the second time in 3 weeks. <br />
<br />
Knave found out that he was kicked out of the only thing he is passionate about, the play Fiddler on the Roof, and he is so mad.<br />
<br />
He deserves it.<br />
<br />
He made a girl feel so uncomfortable that she didn't go to school today.<br />
<br />
When I got the call from the vice principal I was in Utah for my cousins wedding. I was surprised when he told me the things Knave was saying to this poor girl. It was harassment. <br />
<br />
It was sexual harassment.<br />
<br />
I am embarrassed and hurt and confused and... <span style="font-size: x-small;">this is not about me.</span><br />
<br />
After Knave learned that they were taking him out of the play, he lost it. He started yelling and cussing and throwing things. He threw a chair at Mr. Wonderful. Thank goodness the other 2 kids were outside.<br />
<br />
Knave grabbed a knife and locked himself in his room. He was threatening his own life. I don't think he's brave enough to take his own life because he doesn't like pain but Mr. Wonderful was scared.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4zv13ack3CM/WvDV5oq_E0I/AAAAAAAAAvQ/AP8zNSbMmIwhJ7HNut7Zn5QMzUir4Da_ACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/Unknown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4zv13ack3CM/WvDV5oq_E0I/AAAAAAAAAvQ/AP8zNSbMmIwhJ7HNut7Zn5QMzUir4Da_ACK4BGAYYCw/s400/Unknown.jpg" width="271" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
The police came. <br />
<br />
The "crisis prevention" team came. <br />
<br />
What do we do with him? What options are there for us? He is in therapy and group therapy. He has a psychiatrist and he is on medication. He is mentally ill... OCD or bipolar, we are still trying to figure this out. <br />
<br />
WHAT DO WE DO??? <br />
<br />
We owe it to our other kids to create a safe place. They deserve safety.<br />
<br />
They are afraid of Knave. They are afraid to be alone with him. I don't blame them. We never leave them alone with Knave. They don't feel safe at home. <br />
<br />
What do we do?Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-37291330649546440462017-12-21T12:49:00.000-08:002018-05-07T15:37:52.031-07:00Hyperventilating<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1CNkq6gNg4/Wk1Ccre7brI/AAAAAAAAAts/2gjokemtPoMC4Mg_SFvTcB9ItSAmBqC5wCLcBGAs/s1600/alice%2Bcrying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="471" data-original-width="620" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1CNkq6gNg4/Wk1Ccre7brI/AAAAAAAAAts/2gjokemtPoMC4Mg_SFvTcB9ItSAmBqC5wCLcBGAs/s1600/alice%2Bcrying.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today was hard. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew it was going to be. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mr. Wonderful and I have a rule that if our kids get C's or
below, they don't get to play video games. This has never been a problem but
with the lack of effort I witnessed Knave putting into his school work this
semester, it was inevitable. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the day we found out that he got a C was today.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What makes me crazy is that these rules have been set in
stone for as long as I can remember so when Mr. Wonderful picked up the boys
from school and Knave announced that he got a C "but it was just
barely a C so can I please PLEASE PLEASE still play my video games?" and
Mr. Wonderful, instead of enforcing our already-set-boundaries answered,
"we will have to ask you mom" it makes me want to pull my damn hair
out. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I'm the bad guy for following through with our rules and
boundaries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Dad would have let me it's just YOU, YOU RUIN MY
LIFE." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I HATE YOU"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"GO KILL YOURSELF"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"YOU'RE A BITCH"</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the "bitch" comment that sent Mr. Wonderful
on a dead sprint towards Knave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then Knave took a swing and it all went crazy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cried. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like the hyperventilating, I can't catch my breath,
cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now we are in the car, a cute little family traveling out of
state to make magical Christmas memories.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to crawl in my bed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><div class="MsoNormal">
My heart is broken right now. <o:p></o:p></div>
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-78318267767606623772017-12-13T07:50:00.001-08:002017-12-13T07:50:31.215-08:00My Dailies<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Lately I have felt foggy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think this is what trauma does. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Pinocchio started therapy last week. He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family. It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own. It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But this is what we do as parents right? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't know actually. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>ONE STEP AT A TIME</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DNq43aU48J0/WjFLpB07ilI/AAAAAAAAAtU/oeHm4ODtcH0LQ7MDfSaRkWLvIMHyPQocACLcBGAs/s1600/Alice.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="583" data-original-width="500" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DNq43aU48J0/WjFLpB07ilI/AAAAAAAAAtU/oeHm4ODtcH0LQ7MDfSaRkWLvIMHyPQocACLcBGAs/s1600/Alice.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies. For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Dailies (examples)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Personal: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Keep a Journal</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Repeat Daily Affirmations</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Personal Development - start a new hobby</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> take a community education course </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> express creativity such as art and/or poetry</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Recovery Reading or Step-Work</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Physical:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Nutrition - plan meals</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> avoid junk food</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> limit TV time</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- Spiritual:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Prayer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Meditation</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Scripture or Religious Reading</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Church Service</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">These are my dailies for the week... </span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_lQHuVFmgbk/WjFKVyuODII/AAAAAAAAAtI/2-KLl1Vy5ikvy-iM5Luqa8Pc2RF13lJAACLcBGAs/s1600/My%2BDailies%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="950" data-original-width="1600" height="380" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_lQHuVFmgbk/WjFKVyuODII/AAAAAAAAAtI/2-KLl1Vy5ikvy-iM5Luqa8Pc2RF13lJAACLcBGAs/s640/My%2BDailies%2Bcopy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-79311903947055700502017-11-30T20:54:00.001-08:002018-05-07T15:36:39.769-07:00Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZS6_RamGYRc/WvDU2fdELHI/AAAAAAAAAvE/n3PlRx6QBGkZYT07bFIF_DWYifXs7f70QCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZS6_RamGYRc/WvDU2fdELHI/AAAAAAAAAvE/n3PlRx6QBGkZYT07bFIF_DWYifXs7f70QCK4BGAYYCw/s400/images.jpg" width="350" /></a></div>
I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.<br />
<br />
I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.<br />
<br />
I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.<br />
<br />
It is as though <b>OCD</b> has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.<br />
<br />
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is <i>REAL.</i><br />
And it's a <b>bitch</b>.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-61098064161327369702017-11-18T16:34:00.001-08:002018-05-07T15:34:55.570-07:00Prisoner<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CnN-2Ns29RU/WhDRFQln7EI/AAAAAAAAAsU/RkwvZ9MFOFIfMSLKZ3lFj3yHMra9EZXiwCLcBGAs/s1600/5351dc12ff81741ad6ae227111f1fe4b_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="358" data-original-width="460" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CnN-2Ns29RU/WhDRFQln7EI/AAAAAAAAAsU/RkwvZ9MFOFIfMSLKZ3lFj3yHMra9EZXiwCLcBGAs/s1600/5351dc12ff81741ad6ae227111f1fe4b_Fotor.jpg" /></a></div>
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I feel like a prisoner. </div>
<br />
Even though I have older children, I can't leave them alone... not with Knave. <br />
<br />
Not only do I fear that he will find a way to access pornography in our home <span style="font-size: xx-small;">{regardless of having every filtering software known to man} </span>but Knave has OCD and it seems to get more severe the older he gets.<br />
<br />
He can often <span style="font-size: xx-small;">{very often}</span> get <i>stuck</i> in his thought process and <i>stuck</i> in his ways. If anyone upsets his expectations of <i>how</i> things are <i>suppose </i>to go <span style="font-size: xx-small;">{according to him} </span>he can lose his temper and rage. Recently he has shown aggression when he has these rages so I worry about leaving my other kids alone with him. <br />
<br />
I feel like a prisoner in my own life. <br />
<br />
I suppose I remember feeling like this when Mr. Wonderful was acting out in his addiction. When he was lying and sneaking and minimizing and gaslighting. I felt like a prisoner in my marriage and therefore in my life.<br />
<br />
But with Mr. Wonderful it felt like an emotional prison.<br />
<br />
With Knave it feels like a physical prison.<br />
<br />
Both of them are awful.<br />
<br />
I am working on solutions to remedy this situation because I don't want to resent my son.<br />
<br />
Any suggestions?Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-43016400926493674932017-11-14T06:20:00.003-08:002018-05-07T15:34:01.010-07:00Please! Handle with Care. <div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f6aJTC07tt8/Wgr7gJNJeQI/AAAAAAAAArw/9UX50OEBaEkMr7DkgBBkdUt4nQPwNJp7ACLcBGAs/s1600/Alice-disneyscreencaps.com-6258.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1424" height="484" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f6aJTC07tt8/Wgr7gJNJeQI/AAAAAAAAArw/9UX50OEBaEkMr7DkgBBkdUt4nQPwNJp7ACLcBGAs/s640/Alice-disneyscreencaps.com-6258.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by Disney</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I have a vulnerability hangover. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sharing about Knave feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Please handle with care.</span></div>
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-33430933152677054352017-11-13T17:30:00.000-08:002018-05-07T15:33:17.228-07:00Meet Knave of Hearts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMMLCI3bHgw/WvDTgZa4GkI/AAAAAAAAAu4/IayVZH3Y9bImI4DISWzTR8KilfL-Pg7iwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/aiw___knave_of_hearts_by_bradsgurl.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMMLCI3bHgw/WvDTgZa4GkI/AAAAAAAAAu4/IayVZH3Y9bImI4DISWzTR8KilfL-Pg7iwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/aiw___knave_of_hearts_by_bradsgurl.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction. </span>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-38762317869419819002017-08-04T16:10:00.000-07:002017-08-04T16:10:36.968-07:00Here I am<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4z8ZJN_m89M/WYT-nldqnpI/AAAAAAAAArI/6dtRVZLVifIn_-CDEOi8OM_cg5bZe_jGwCLcBGAs/s1600/Alice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="924" height="485" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4z8ZJN_m89M/WYT-nldqnpI/AAAAAAAAArI/6dtRVZLVifIn_-CDEOi8OM_cg5bZe_jGwCLcBGAs/s640/Alice.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I'm healing.<br />
My marriage is healing.<br />
<br />
But my heart is broken as the affect of pornography spread to another in my family.<br />
<br />
This time it is my child.<br />
<br />
We've done everything to educate and teach no shame and healthy sexuality like all the professionals recommend. I've read books and stepped out of my comfort zone to create safety and security for my family and my chil<br />
dren.<br />
<br />
We have filters.<br />
We aren't rookies.<br />
<br />
And yet... here I am.<br />
With a broken heart.Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-72526280281876133172017-06-08T16:33:00.000-07:002017-08-04T15:44:38.202-07:00By the Betrayed <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pCRDKzCJFA8/WTbvx1-t_oI/AAAAAAAAAqg/EtoIOBETFeoVT1JsvBQMnk0NfQAIm3V9QCLcB/s1600/large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="241" data-original-width="500" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pCRDKzCJFA8/WTbvx1-t_oI/AAAAAAAAAqg/EtoIOBETFeoVT1JsvBQMnk0NfQAIm3V9QCLcB/s1600/large.jpg" /></a></div>
I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.<br />
<br />
A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.<br />
<br />
The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.<br />
<br />
I want to protect the people whose names are involved.<br />
It's not fair to them.<br />
<br />
I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.<br />
<br />
It broke my heart.<br />
<br />
When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.<br />
<br />
What do I do?<br />
<br />
People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."<br />
<br />
Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.<br />
<br />
Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.<br />
<br />
I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HHY88rrAp6o/WTbwcGNJg4I/AAAAAAAAAqk/kPDbz04PKoEvlBZkTZqkx9f-UP9ErZWJACLcB/s1600/sad%2Balice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="640" height="476" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HHY88rrAp6o/WTbwcGNJg4I/AAAAAAAAAqk/kPDbz04PKoEvlBZkTZqkx9f-UP9ErZWJACLcB/s640/sad%2Balice.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-49028478530151954932017-06-05T20:11:00.001-07:002017-06-05T20:11:59.785-07:00Love and Betrayal<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> It's finished! It's finished! </span></i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D2fQuff72SM/WTYcNnB81YI/AAAAAAAAAqI/fHg6Bs8mXFYN6leVsFr_Q2OhB6c7hbPuQCLcB/s1600/Alice%2BSurprised.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D2fQuff72SM/WTYcNnB81YI/AAAAAAAAAqI/fHg6Bs8mXFYN6leVsFr_Q2OhB6c7hbPuQCLcB/s1600/Alice%2BSurprised.jpg" /></a></div>
In 2014 I was interviewed for a book that I was sure would never be published but GUESS WHAT?<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">It's finished! </span></b><br />
<br />
I haven't finished reading it but so far it is wonderful and helpful and educating. <br />
<br />
Betrayal Trauma is Real.<br />
<br />
Get yourself a copy and let me know what you think.<br />
<br />
I saw it today at Deseret Book but I heard you can get it at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KC0MVU9LjyI/WTYcKu3la4I/AAAAAAAAAqA/FYhThIbtEgg_lyctLrm1ZkcSLFQuXmadQCLcB/s1600/Love%2Band%2BBetrayal%2B_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1448" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KC0MVU9LjyI/WTYcKu3la4I/AAAAAAAAAqA/FYhThIbtEgg_lyctLrm1ZkcSLFQuXmadQCLcB/s320/Love%2Band%2BBetrayal%2B_Fotor.jpg" width="288" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Om7avjFIuUk/WTYcNH41umI/AAAAAAAAAqE/rYXHCFJcGGsYsTxkceZNhDA6GwSb-pIAQCLcB/s1600/Alice%2527s%2BStory_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Om7avjFIuUk/WTYcNH41umI/AAAAAAAAAqE/rYXHCFJcGGsYsTxkceZNhDA6GwSb-pIAQCLcB/s320/Alice%2527s%2BStory_Fotor.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<img alt="post signature" class="left" src="https://i1280.photobucket.com/albums/a484/alicelookingforwonderfulland/Alice%20sig_zpsary1v8cm.png" /> Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-49004293262146034202017-03-01T08:03:00.000-08:002017-12-13T08:04:13.441-08:00Boundary Information from a LifeStar Therapist<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let’s get
started on the topic of boundaries. I appreciate the questions about
boundaries. I want to cover some basics to set a foundation to create some
healthy really awesome boundaries or tweak some of the ones you may already
have. I am assuming that we all are at various places with boundaries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">What are boundaries?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">1. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries are like fences
between neighbors, they define the limits of the relationship. They provide
safety and structure and define engagement that is appropriate or inappropriate
in the relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
help us to define how we respond in a healthy or unhealthy way. “I will do that“or
“I will not do that“. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I need this to
feel safe“, “this is OK or this is not OK“. “I am willing or I am not willing
to do that“. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">FYI,
these statements can be used for ourselves (internal boundaries) and others
(external boundaries). We will discuss these two types of boundaries below.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The statements
above are all examples of language that can be used to set boundaries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">2. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will you take some time to answer the
following questions?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">What
is my position regarding boundaries such as do I feel that I have the right to
create boundaries? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">b.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Do
I feel that wanting to create and implement boundaries is a selfish concept? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">c.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Do
I feel that setting boundaries can create safety and a healthier way to live
life? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">d.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Am
I fearful of the repercussions? Repercussion such as escalation of my spouse’s
acting out behaviors, activation of his defense mechanisms? Will boundaries
create more disconnection and resistance? If so what are these fears?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">3. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The space we want to be when we
are defining and creating boundaries is in an assertive place. Not passive or
aggressive. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the
passive position we will appear weak and wishy-washy. In this position we are
likely to be “eaten alive“by spouse, children, or others! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Coming
from the aggressive place we will appear crazy and unreasonable. When our
aggression subsides we will feel stupid and question ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the
assertive space we are mindful of our words and our thoughts. We have worked
very hard and have taken time to create simple boundaries. We approach our
significant others in a neutral space with respect. We set up a formal time and
place where we can talk without distractions or interruptions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We want
to gain confidence that the concept of boundaries is healthy and will create
safety and empowerment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Overtime,
we become familiar with the unhealthy when we are living with addiction. So
when we make changes that are healthy we feel very unfamiliar and uncertain.
This is normal. As a human being we have the right to feel safe, to be able to
be a creator of an environment of thriving not simply surviving. REMEMBER: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">”Boundaries
aren’t something you do to another person. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are something you do for your own self-care, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">well-being
and protection.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">4. WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE AND ARE NOT</span></b><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> (the
following are some examples):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are to create safety and a space to thrive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are used to define healthy limits in relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are protection against repeated harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
give us options.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are not punishments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are not methods of coercing and forcing behaviors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are not ways to avoid dealing with pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boundaries
are not used to emotionally disconnect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">5. Let’s discuss two types of boundaries:
Personal boundaries and relational boundaries.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="s1"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif;">Personal
boundaries</span></b></span><span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif;">
are about how we respond to our self-- meaning when we are triggered how we
emotionally respond and cope; what you will do or won’t do when triggered.
Examples include emotionally disconnected, zoning out or numbing out, we may
punish, or try to control or micromanage the behavior of others. Personal
boundaries allow us to make healthy choices in our responses in the face of
powerful emotional triggers. You don’t share this type of boundary with your
spouse. This is used when we are dealing with people who don’t care to hear
about boundaries or who refuse </span></span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Examples
of personal boundary statements:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I
can choose my responses to his slips or relapses. I do not have to allow my
trauma to control how I respond.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Instead
of punishing him for hurting me, I will take care of myself in a healthy way.
When he has earned my trust, I will share with him my feelings and needs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
can decide when and how I begin to trust him again.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I
will work on my own recovery, regardless of his commitment to his recovery.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> “Instead
of zoning out and emotionally disconnecting when I am in pain, I will reach out
and share with others in my life who are safe.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I
choose not to be responsible for his choices.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> “I
can choose to love and accept myself even when his addiction affects the way I
perceive myself.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Relational
boundaries</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> are most often set with
the addict, but may also be set with parents, family, friends or kids. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your relational boundaries define
how much physical and emotional space you need between you and others.
These boundaries define how you will respond when others act (or refuse to
act). They keep you safe when others are not ready to keep you safe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Examples
of relational boundary statements you might share with your spouse in recovery
are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Even
if you decide not to stay engaged in recovery, I will continue to do my own
work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“If
you act out in your addiction and hide it from me, I will ask you not to sleep
in my bed until I feel safe again with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I
will feel much safer and more able to trust you if you are attending weekly
12-step meetings. If you choose not to go, I will be limited in my ability to
emotionally connect with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“If
you try to blame me for your choices in addiction, I will let you know that in
our next therapy session together we will discuss my concerns with our
therapist. I will not argue with you about it or defend myself.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I
will not engage sexually with you when I feel coerced or when you beg.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“If
you cannot work toward understanding how your addiction has hurt me, and if you
continue to excuse your behavior, I will move toward separation from you. In
this state of mind, your ‘addict’ self is not safe enough for me to be with.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpLast" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">IMPLEMENTATION<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Decide
on your boundaries — write them down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo3; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Get
feedback for your boundaries before you share.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Share
your boundaries with XXX: “In order to maintain my own safety while you are
working on your recovery, when you __________, I will __________. “<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If
necessary, remind him of your boundaries to provide clarity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">ENFORCE<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: 21.75pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18.75pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Slow
down, breathe, and quietly decide how you will respond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: 21.75pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18.75pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Remind
him of your boundary and that your response is about your own <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>emotional and relational safety. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: 21.75pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18.75pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Follow
through with the boundary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-left: 21.75pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-background-themecolor: background1; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo2; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18.75pt; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Help
him understand that your boundary is in place <b>until you feel safe
again, </b>and <b>not for a set period of time</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“My boundaries are how I protect myself
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When you choose not to protect me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies, I hope the information above is
a reminder, starting place, review of boundaries. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Please answer the questions about your
perspective and feelings. To create a boundary, start with a need that you
have; safety, emotional, connection, communication, accountability…… etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Decide on the language from the
examples above and below. Make sure you have a consequence … make sure you WILL
enforce the consequence 99.9% of the time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Before you share or implement please
discuss this with someone safe and who has had some experience with
boundaries….. GET FEEDBACK! Set a time to discuss the boundary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here
are some more examples of boundaries:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background: white; mso-background-themecolor: background1; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have a right to rigorous honesty in my relationship.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization) I will
put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation
until such time as I feel secure enough to share a bed again. The
degree of space will depend on the severity of the
dishonesty. During the time when I have my space, I will work on my
own self-healing. [A live-in separation means separate beds and
meals and activities. No sexual intimacy during this time and no
seeing each other naked.] If my husband comes to me with a confession of
dishonesty, I can enforce this boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2) I
have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (hearing his
plans, monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his
needs), I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my
husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care
list and will partake of it. Exception applies to this boundary when
I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">3) I
have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
When I feel these specific fears, I will honestly voice them to my husband, my
Savior, and someone in my support circle (preferably my sponsor). In
the case of a loose cannon temper, I will ask my husband to leave. If he
does not leave, I will take the children and leave.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4) I
have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I feel lust in our sexual relations, I will halt any activity going on and
honestly discuss my emotions with my husband. I will not engage in
any intimate activities without prior emotional connection. I will
honor my gut and my emotions as I strive to rebuild a new sexual reality with
my partner. If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether
from my husband or from myself), I will take sex off the table.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">5) I
have a right to not be controlled.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I ever become aware that I am being controlled, I will honestly voice my
awareness and make a stand to choose for myself. If that choice is
disrespected, I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two
nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my
inner sense of self in order to strengthen and fortify my confidence. </span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6) I
have the right to not be manipulated.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me, I will honestly voice my
feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party
educated in sexual addiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7) I
have the right to not be objectified.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction,
I will create physical space between him and me. Sex will be taken
off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8) I
have the right to live with a husband in recovery.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop, I will take a break
from the marriage.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">9) I
have a right to be equal with my spouse.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence:</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> If
my husband takes on a parenting roll with me, I will physically and emotionally
detach from the situation either by excusing myself or ending the
conversation. If my husband takes a child roll with me, I will leave
the situation to him alone to handle.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">10) I have the right to feel
love for more than just my body.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction, I will take sex off
the table. If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body, I will
excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately
thereafter choose one item from my self-care list and partake.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11) I have a right to have a
say as to what comes into my home.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Consequence</span></i><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:
If there is inappropriate media in my home, I will turn it off.</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-66256765787117161072016-08-15T15:40:00.000-07:002017-08-04T15:47:58.564-07:0015th Anniversary<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
Fifteen years ago I couldn’t have imagined what my marriage would endure, what I would endure, and what Jon would endure. If I would have been able to sneak a glimpse of what the years ahead had in store for me I would have been so scared and so doubtful in my ability to work through the hardships that I probably would have ran away and never looked back.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
But… I’m really glad I didn’t. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
I am really, really glad I didn’t. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
I wonder what I will say about things 15 years from now! </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
Marriage is hard, it just is. My marriage, over the last 15 years, has involved compromise and stubbornness, communication and separation, patience and frustration, hurt and pain and so much healing, hope and hopelessness, love and hate, pride and humility, anger and sadness, fear and safety, lies and honesty, judgement, forgiveness, frustration, and charity. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
Over the last 15 years our marriage has seen many dark days. We spent years fighting WITH each other while fighting FOR each other. There was a period of time when neither of us thought we could withstand the damages done in our marriage and we almost walked away. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
But somehow, with the Grace of God, things started changing and we are still here. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QGQi845Pk98/WQJ18P8nCfI/AAAAAAAAApU/Uk3qtTtTOZUT2gs01S9goIXEy_xgdXllwCLcB/s1600/Love%2BHat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QGQi845Pk98/WQJ18P8nCfI/AAAAAAAAApU/Uk3qtTtTOZUT2gs01S9goIXEy_xgdXllwCLcB/s640/Love%2BHat.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-90369508836794298082016-04-25T20:08:00.000-07:002017-08-04T15:46:25.779-07:00Stupid Sex<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Please forgive me and understand that this post is purposefully reckless:</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Mb3JIYyyk0/Vx7bD5LK--I/AAAAAAAAAn8/1jIk75xxRHkHszNRf7CnyFXxNsD6JxMOwCLcB/s1600/d1494ff281e00fff177c49914f7fbd38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Mb3JIYyyk0/Vx7bD5LK--I/AAAAAAAAAn8/1jIk75xxRHkHszNRf7CnyFXxNsD6JxMOwCLcB/s1600/d1494ff281e00fff177c49914f7fbd38.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Angry Rebellious Alice </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm going to recklessly rant here.<br />
<br />
Sex is so stupid.<br />
I hate the concept of it.<br />
I hate that (most) men have a guaranteed orgasm.<br />
They have a guaranteed physical reward for having sex.<br />
I am so frustrated that God had to make sure men experienced immediate physical satisfaction to encourage them to procreate.<br />
It feels like God enables men's selfishness with sex.<br />
<br />
I think sex is SOOOOOOO STUPID.<br />
And SOOOOOOO COMPLICATED.<br />
And SOOOOOOO DESTRUCTIVE.<br />
and STOOOOOOOOPID.<br />
<br />
It pisses me off in an intense way today.<br />
And I'm pretty sure that I don't need advise right now, just support and understanding.<br />
<br />
DAMNHELL<br />
Mic drop***<br />
<br />
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-16173273776834872672016-04-19T14:19:00.000-07:002017-08-04T15:46:40.515-07:00See<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YjSI7w5tV5I/Vxafq4sH6vI/AAAAAAAAAnw/zHoE1XZ4DIY3qqALx41_cE8xI05K4Ta0wCK4B/s1600/cherry_blossom_by_la_chapeliere_folle-d3bo8e1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YjSI7w5tV5I/Vxafq4sH6vI/AAAAAAAAAnw/zHoE1XZ4DIY3qqALx41_cE8xI05K4Ta0wCK4B/s1600/cherry_blossom_by_la_chapeliere_folle-d3bo8e1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="color: #660000;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.</span></div>
<span style="color: #660000;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the
recovery, and the words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I replaced the listening with <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">watching.</i></b> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned
into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening
my eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And guess what I've <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seen</i>?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">have</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">seen</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">change</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have seen change that I stopped hoping for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have seen change that I stopped believing in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">see</i></b> Mr. Wonderful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">witnessed</i></b> his heart change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have worked on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i>
personal healing as I have watched and experienced <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">his</i> personal recovery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">{which is not the same as
sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I am scared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">Is it strange that this scares me? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">Let me go back some years ago and try to explain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in
recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his
actions, and blaming me, than he was in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">REAL</span></i></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">RECOVERY</i></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After years of living like this I decided that
I couldn't... <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">live like this</i></b>, anymore. I was devastated but I was also
convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I wouldn't survive</i>. I met with a divorce
attorney <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until
a year later}</span> and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding
our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't
want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{because it wasn't a threat}</span> and because I
didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{fear}</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and
respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about
things that were important <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{kids, finances,
health, schools, etc}</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">The process is long and the decisions are permanent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And time passed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my
healing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And time passed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And as time passed... something happened. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">Something changed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I changed. <br />
He changed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">Desires changed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr.
Wonderful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And now <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{and for the last few
years} </span>he HAS been in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">REAL RECOVERY</i></b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute.
Legitimate Recovery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">You guys, he really has been. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bangla sangam mn"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">I
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SEE</i></b>
it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bangla sangam mn"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">I
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FEEL</i></b>
it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And it really scares me to put this out there in the
universe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">But what comes next scares me even more...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have known for months <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{more
months than I care to admit}</span> that it is time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">It is time for me to be physically intimate <span style="font-family: "bangla sangam mn"; font-size: 14.0pt;">{SEX}</span> with Mr.
Wonderful again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I
could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed
things up, and I did this <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{and more} </span>for
years. <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{6 years of unhealthy unattached sex...
but who's counting?}</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And guess what? It didn't work. <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{surprise,
surprise!}</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because
it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">{a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with
some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't}</span> but without even
realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction
and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect
had almost become extinct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has
turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically
intimate <span style="font-family: "bangla sangam mn"; font-size: 14.0pt;">{SEX}.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">And guess what?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">It is TIME</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Because I</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">have</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">seen</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">change</span><span style="font-family: "american typewriter"; font-size: 16.0pt;">! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have seen change that I stopped hoping for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have seen change that I stopped believing in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">see</i></b> Mr. Wonderful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #660000;">I have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">witnessed</i></b> his heart change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">And I am scared. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">But I am ready. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "bangla sangam mn"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">Because, I see that Mr.
Wonderful sees me.</span></span></b></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D7007503886893366499%23editor%2Fsrc%3Ddashboard&media=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-YjSI7w5tV5I%2FVxafq4sH6vI%2FAAAAAAAAAnw%2FzHoE1XZ4DIY3qqALx41_cE8xI05K4Ta0wCK4B%2Fs1600%2Fcherry_blossom_by_la_chapeliere_folle-d3bo8e1.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=9ZEqhNvy5xZ8&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 42px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 18px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D7007503886893366499%23editor%2Fsrc%3Ddashboard&media=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-YjSI7w5tV5I%2FVxafq4sH6vI%2FAAAAAAAAAnw%2FzHoE1XZ4DIY3qqALx41_cE8xI05K4Ta0wCK4B%2Fs1600%2Fcherry_blossom_by_la_chapeliere_folle-d3bo8e1.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=9ZEqhNvy5xZ8&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 42px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 18px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-24874316819547532532016-02-05T14:14:00.000-08:002017-08-04T15:46:49.398-07:00Unconditionally? <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r0TcNlf1iiw/VrUeLI0tdMI/AAAAAAAAAnc/8aFBBIWfR3A/s1600/heart.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="596" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r0TcNlf1iiw/VrUeLI0tdMI/AAAAAAAAAnc/8aFBBIWfR3A/s640/heart.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Do you love yourself? <br />
<br />
Like <i><span style="font-size: large;">unconditionally</span></i> <i><span style="font-size: x-large;">love</span></i> yourself?<br />
<br />
Like, it doesn't matter if you shower or not? Or if you go to the gym or don't? Or if you have a clean or messy house? Or if you feed your family fast food more days than not?<br />
<br />
Do you have the kind of love for yourself that doesn't change based on expectation, success, or failure?<br />
<br />
If you do... how do you?<br />
How did you get there?<br />
How do you stay there?<br />
<br />
What do you do in a world that is so harsh and so demanding and so judgmental to make sure you love yourself?<br />
<br />
Please <span style="font-size: large;"><i>PLEASE</i></span> share.<br />
<br />
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-37148129527170186882016-01-09T12:33:00.001-08:002017-08-04T15:47:02.534-07:00MAD-CRAZY<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zYDpddbrj70/VpFtniTALWI/AAAAAAAAAnI/C0YqC-r5qOM/s1600/alice-alice-in-wonderland-art-blonde-hair-Favim.com-2388032.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="550" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zYDpddbrj70/VpFtniTALWI/AAAAAAAAAnI/C0YqC-r5qOM/s640/alice-alice-in-wonderland-art-blonde-hair-Favim.com-2388032.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
I am feeling <span style="font-size: x-small;">{for lack of a better word}</span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CRAZY. </b></span><br />
<br />
There isn't anything <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">BIG</span> going on with me but there are a lot of <span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">LITTLE</span> things.<br />
<br />
They add up.<br />
<br />
I'm feeling <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">overwhelmed</span></i> with my life <span style="font-size: large;">AND</span> this world.<br />
<br />
I feel like I am behind, always struggling to catch up to everyone else.<br />
<br />
Or, maybe the truth is that I am always struggling to catch up to the <i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">expectations</span></i> I have of <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>myself</i></span>. <br />
<br />
My expectations are relentless and demanding. Unhealthy to say the least.<br />
<br />
Regardless of the reasons, I am feeling a desperate need to breath, like my body can't get enough air and at any minute I may pass out. The anxiety constantly reminding me of what I <b>need</b> to be doing, where I<b> should</b> be as a mother, what I <b>need</b> to look like as a wife, where I <b>ought</b> to be in my recovery as a spouse of an addict, and where I <b>should</b> be in my recovery with my eating disorder. <br />
<br />
According to my expectations, I am failing at everything. <br />
<br />
And I just can't seem to shake it.<br />
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-64577448556629652472015-12-29T13:27:00.000-08:002017-08-04T15:47:14.165-07:00Anonymity <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-K-BDth9jAJo/VoL2YIhOu0I/AAAAAAAAAk0/SAm46koVJJg/s1600/Alice%252B%2528Fool%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-K-BDth9jAJo/VoL2YIhOu0I/AAAAAAAAAk0/SAm46koVJJg/s640/Alice%252B%2528Fool%2529.jpg" width="374" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://www.kczak.com/illustrations/" target="_blank">Illustration - Kelly Zac</a></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.<br />
That is when I decided to write.<br />
<br />
Then, after going to the first ever <a href="http://eatmyscabs.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Camp Scabs</a> <span style="font-size: x-small;">{back in 2013}</span> and realized I wasn't alone.<br />
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.<br />
That is when I started this blog.<br />
<br />
This anonymous blog.<br />
Where Alice lives.<br />
<br />
Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.<br />
<br />
But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people <span style="font-size: x-small;">{and when I say few I mean less than 3}</span> who know about Alice and this blog.<br />
<br />
I've noticed that these <span style="font-size: x-small;">{less than three}</span> people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it <span style="font-size: large;"><i>scares</i></span> me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to <strike>spy</strike> read.<br />
<br />
I think they feel happy when I feel sad.<br />
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.<br />
<br />
But I'm going to practice letting go of those <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>{less than three}</i></span> people.<br />
<br />
I have been writing. But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.<br />
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.<br />
<br />
I'm owning this.<br />
And I'm changing this.<br />
Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-73677369101400109932015-11-23T11:48:00.002-08:002017-08-04T15:47:30.559-07:00The Innocent<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r7QwAEBypyY/VlNsvHKKZHI/AAAAAAAAAjM/w_Ur72peHlI/s1600/The%2BChildren.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="361" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r7QwAEBypyY/VlNsvHKKZHI/AAAAAAAAAjM/w_Ur72peHlI/s640/The%2BChildren.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
I have a question.<br />
<br />
This question is coming from the same place <a href="http://alicelookingforwonderfulland.blogspot.com/2015/11/how-to-tell.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">this post</span></a> came from. <br />
<br />
Recently I asked who, if anyone, you fellow WoPA's <span style="font-size: x-small;">(wife of porn/sex addicts) </span>have told about your husbands <span style="font-size: x-small;">(boyfriend/fiancé/partner/etc.) </span>addiction. I received a lot of great feedback. From what I received, <i>most</i> of you have reached out in one way or another and <i>most</i> of you had pleasant experiences and <i>most</i> of you didn't regret who you told.<br />
<br />
So here's my next question... what about the kids?<br />
<br />
Have any of you shared with your children? If so, please share your experiences. How old are your children? Did you regret your decision? How did your child/children respond? <br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">OR</span></b><br />
<br />
Did you decide <i><span style="font-size: large;">not</span></i> to share with your children? If so, what lead you to this decision? Do you ever plan on sharing this with your children? <br />
<br />
This is such a sensitive topic for our children. I feel like we can help each other by sharing our experiences. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>***Random note. I received most comments from <a href="http://alicelookingforwonderfulland.blogspot.com/2015/11/how-to-tell.html" target="_blank">the other post</a> privately (through email or Facebook) so I was privy to a lot of helpful information. However, if you feel comfortable, please leave your comments here - under this post - so others can benefit from your experience. You can always leave your comment anonymously. Of course, if you don't feel comfortable sharing here, I still want to hear from you privately.***</b></div>
<br />
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: #bd081c; background-image: url(data:image/svg+xml; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: #bd081c; background-image: url(data:image/svg+xml; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span>Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-20198644204998063482015-11-21T01:30:00.000-08:002015-11-23T11:48:49.844-08:00Helplessness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZzMXERFMIFQ/VlNoJmf42qI/AAAAAAAAAi8/XV5GmtpWrv4/s1600/Alice%2BClock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZzMXERFMIFQ/VlNoJmf42qI/AAAAAAAAAi8/XV5GmtpWrv4/s1600/Alice%2BClock.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It is so much easier for me to accept the consequences of my own behavior and choices.<br />
<br />
This makes sense to me. <span style="font-size: large;">It's obvious. </span><br />
<br />
If I do something wrong, I <i>should</i> have consequences. <br />
<br />
I <i>should</i> have to own up to it and do whatever I can to make it right. <br />
<br />
This is logical so my brain accepts it.<br />
<br />
It is so much harder for me to accept the consequences of others behaviors and choices.<br />
<br />
This makes no sense to me. <span style="font-size: large;">It's insanity. </span><br />
<br />
If someone I <span style="font-size: large;"><u>love</u></span> does something wrong, I <i>shouldn't </i>have consequences. <br />
I <i>shouldn't </i>have to own up to it and do whatever I can to make it right.<br />
<br />
This is irrational to me so my brain fights it. <br />
<br />
So <span style="font-size: xx-small;">why? </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">why? </span>why? <span style="font-size: large;">why? </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">why? WHY? </span>doesn't it work like this?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iHs64yKWYgU/VlNkBOUgXqI/AAAAAAAAAis/Cz6HmxnEznM/s1600/Why%253F.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iHs64yKWYgU/VlNkBOUgXqI/AAAAAAAAAis/Cz6HmxnEznM/s1600/Why%253F.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And yet... in both scenarios I am affected.</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I am <span style="font-size: large;"><u>very</u></span> affected.</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
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In fact, I am probably <i style="font-size: x-large;">MORE </i>affected when someone I love does something that <span style="font-size: large;">directly</span> impacts me. For better or worse. </div>
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I have thought a lot about this concept and the reason why it is harder for me <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(and for you if you are shaking your head yes and thinking "me too") </span>is because of the complete helplessness we have over others choices and behaviors. </div>
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There is something comforting knowing that I can do better, that I can make changes, that I can work on my own weaknesses and shortcomings and character defects but I have <span style="font-size: large;">ZERO</span> control over the people I love. And that helplessness is <u style="font-size: x-large; font-style: italic;">TERRIFYING</u>. That helplessness is the reason why it is harder. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Helplessness is, pretty much, the </span><span style="font-size: x-large;"><u>WORST!</u></span></div>
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Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7007503886893366499.post-80070811294709338412015-11-15T14:12:00.000-08:002015-12-29T15:21:56.125-08:00Expressed in a Dance <div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">After watching this video today, I realize that dance </span><span class="s2"><span style="font-size: x-small;">{like music}</span></span><span class="s1"> speaks in a universal language.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This spoke to me today.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This is so accurate.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This is too familiar.</span></div>
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This is intensely beautiful.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/XAOwH0u4L50/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XAOwH0u4L50?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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<span class="s1">It was easy for me to relate to the storyline </span><span class="s2"><span style="font-size: x-small;">{Alexa having an eating disorder}</span></span><span class="s1"> but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><i>My</i> eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>EVERY</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i>SINGLE</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>DAY</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate everything about it. I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that. Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away". But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Choosing recovery is the first step. But choosing once didn't make it go away. I have to choose recovery...</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>EVERY</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i>SINGLE</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>DAY</b></span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard. And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful <span style="font-size: x-small;">{and all addicts}</span> have to work...</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>EVERY</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i>SINGLE</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>DAY</b></span></div>
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I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction. Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life. It's an exhausting thought isn't it? </div>
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I lean into hope. Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming. It isn't always exhausting. I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful. But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight <b>hard</b>. </div>
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Why is it so easy to go backwards? </div>
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<span class="s1">I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen. But what my experience has shown me is that although God <i>can</i> remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture. Most of the time that big picture consists of </span><span class="s2"><strike>me</strike></span><span class="s1"> <i>us</i> having to suffer <i>with</i> Him by our side. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I don't know about you but my greatest growth has <b>{unfortunately}</b> come from my pain. It has stretched me as a person. I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be. It pushes me. Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I will never be grateful for my trials </span><span class="s3"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">{I hate when people say they are}</span></span><span class="s1"> but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jR_MPopXMUA/VkZ28ZTWKKI/AAAAAAAAAiU/XJ46BbEsuzM/s1600/IMG_4967.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jR_MPopXMUA/VkZ28ZTWKKI/AAAAAAAAAiU/XJ46BbEsuzM/s640/IMG_4967.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">{I see you up there seeing me!} </span></td></tr>
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<img alt="post signature" class="left" src=" http://i1280.photobucket.com/albums/a484/alicelookingforwonderfulland/125x44_zps54hutjhv.jpg" />Alice Wonderfulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16639190338991967504noreply@blogger.com0