Anonymity

Illustration - Kelly Zac

I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.
That is when I decided to write.

Then, after going to the first ever Camp Scabs {back in 2013} and realized I wasn't alone.
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.
That is when I started this blog.

This anonymous blog.
Where Alice lives.

Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.

But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people {and when I say few I mean less than 3} who know about Alice and this blog.

I've noticed that these {less than three} people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it scares me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to spy read.

I think they feel happy when I feel sad.
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.

But I'm going to practice letting go of those {less than three} people.

I have been writing.  But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.

I'm owning this.
And I'm changing this.

Burn Baby Burn

It’s hard to believe that it has been a year and a half since my first experience reaching out to others like me… other WoPA’s (Wife of Porn Addict).  I feel like I am such a different person than I was a year and a half ago. 

I’m braver.

I’m stronger. 

Tonight is my first night back at Camp Scabs and it was pretty wonderful.  We congregated together as a new group of friends.  I’m sure most of the WoPA’s here don’t quite realize what close friends we will all be by the end of this weekend. 

After dinner we did quick introductions and headed out to our campfire where we “burnt shit”.

I was surprised at how much pain was expressed at the burning of all our personal triggers, pain, current hell, past hell and more.  Sometimes I am still shocked at the power and pain that this addiction has on us, the wives.  Sometimes I wish the addicts could see what we go through, the pain that their choices cause these beautiful, smart, funny, amazing woman.  These women are so eager and willing to give their entire hearts to their husbands, they want their marriages to succeed, they pray for it and hope with all their hope that their husbands will fight.  But I see the fear and pain and doubt in their eyes.  I hear the exhaustion in their stories.

Tonight we burned our shit. 

Tonight I burned my lingerie, the lingerie that I can’t ever wear again because of the pain it causes me. 

I loved it. 

I felt so alive and free and empowered. 

I only wish that it was this simple in “real” life.  Just throwing everything in a fire and watching it burn into ashes and turn into a pile of nothing.  Then simply wash my hands and walk away.

Unfortunately, for all of us, it is simply not that simple.

I love these women so much already.  My heart hurts for them and wants them to find peace and happiness. 

My fear is that it just doesn’t exist.