Slipping into Darkness

Hopeless Alice

I have been through some crazy shit lately.

I've been traveling non-stop for 2 months for work, weddings, family vacations, the Togetherness Project... it's been so great and I am so grateful but it was too much.  Then, when I finally returned home, I prepared my house for company and the celebration of my daughters baptism.  It was too much. My life became unmanageable... it still is unmanageable.

To top it all off, my dad had an accident.  While helping my husband cut down our trees he fell.  He just fell out of a tree from 20 feet up and smacked directly on the cement.  I saw the whole thing.  The whole damn thing.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

This post isn't about my dad falling from a tree, he is alright and very lucky only suffering from 3 broken ribs, cuts, bruises and a shattered wrist injury that resulted in surgery.  So he's okay.

This post is about a different kind of fall.  One that is MORE traumatic to me than my dad falling.

This post is about a man (not Mr. Wonderful) a different man, let's call him Art.  I look up to Art so much.  I admire and trust and love him.  Art is a man who has taught me so much.  Art is a man who stands for truth and righteousness, who loves God and his family.  I know that if I was every in trouble I could pick up the phone and Art would help me anyway that he could.

The same week that my dad fell out of the tree injuring his body was the same week Art asked me to look up something on his phone and I stumbled across a history of pornography.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

What do I do?  How do I process this?  

Art is a pornography addict.  I knew about this.  I also "knew" that he was in recovery.  So did his wife and family.

I adore and love Art, just like I adore and love my dad.  My heart is broken.  My hope seems to be diminishing.  This world, this addiction, is taking even the best hearted people.  I am overwhelmed and I'm feeling myself slipping down the rabbit hole.

I feel heartbroken.
I feel sad.
I feel confused.
I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
I feel scared.

I am Slipping into darkness.  

I would rather have my dad fall out of a tree sustaining the injuries he received than have Art fall back into his addiction.

I CAN'T BREATH.

"Who Are You?"

It is not my job to understand you.

It is not my job to approve of you.

It is my job to accept you.

It is my job to love you.

And I do.

-Alice

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

            

Let's Make It Wonderful

I love Christmas.

I have had some pretty terrible and painful Christmases in the past.

I still love Christmas.

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading then I am talking to you.  I hope you find a way to have JOY this wonderful time of year.  Sometimes it doesn't feel wonderful but it is.  The Savior was born.  The SAVIOR WAS BORN.  How about we make a deal… you, my only reader, and me.  How about the deal be, when it gets hard (because it will), when the triggers and the pain comes (because they will come), then we, you and I, focus on the Savior.  And more specifically, the new born, squeezable chubby, soft baby skinned, baby boy Savior.  I think that will help me… maybe it will help you to.

So what do you say?  Deal?

I want you to love Christmas too.

All my love,
Alice