Wednesday, December 13, 2017

My Dailies

Lately I have felt foggy.
I think this is what trauma does. 
It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.

Pinocchio started therapy last week.  He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family.  It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own.  It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.

But this is what we do as parents right? 
I don't know actually. 
But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.


Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies.  For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:

Dailies (examples)
- Personal: 
     Keep a Journal
     Repeat Daily Affirmations
     Personal Development - start a new hobby
                                         take a community education course 
                                         express creativity such as art and/or poetry
     Recovery Reading or Step-Work

- Physical:
     Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...
     Nutrition - plan meals
                     avoid junk food
     Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep
                                      limit TV time

- Spiritual:
     Scripture or Religious Reading
     Church Service

These are my dailies for the week... 

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL

I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.

I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.

I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.

It is as though OCD has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL.
And it's a bitch.

Saturday, November 18, 2017


I feel like a prisoner. 

Even though I have older children, I can't leave them alone... not with Pinocchio.

Not only do I fear that he will find a way to access pornography in our home {regardless of  having every filtering software known to man} but Pinocchio has OCD and it seems to get more severe the older he gets.

He can often {very often} get stuck in his thought process and stuck in his ways.  If anyone upsets his expectations of how things are suppose to go {according to him} he can lose his temper and rage.  Recently he has shown aggression when he has these rages so I worry about leaving my other kids alone with him.

I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

I suppose I remember feeling like this when Mr. Wonderful was acting out in his addiction.  When he was lying and sneaking and minimizing and gaslighting.  I felt like a prisoner in my marriage and therefore in my life.

But with Mr. Wonderful it felt like an emotional prison.

With Pinocchio it feels like a physical prison.

Both of them are awful.

I am working on solutions to remedy this situation because I don't want to resent my son.

Any suggestions?

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Please! Handle with Care.

Photo by Disney
I have a vulnerability hangover.  

Sharing about Pinocchio feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.  

I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.  And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.  I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.  I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. 

Please handle with care.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Meet Pinocchio - I love him.

I don't know what to do about my son, Pinocchio. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Pinocchio may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction. 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Here I am

I'm healing.
My marriage is healing.

But my heart is broken as the affect of pornography spread to another in my family.

This time it is my child.

We've done everything to educate and teach no shame and healthy sexuality like all the professionals recommend. I've read books and stepped out of my comfort zone to create safety and security for my family and my chil

We have filters.
We aren't rookies.

And yet... here I am.
With a broken heart.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

By the Betrayed

I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.

The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.

I want to protect the people whose names are involved.
It's not fair to them.

I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.

It broke my heart.

When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.

What do I do?

People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."

Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.

Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.

I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.