Thursday, December 21, 2017

Hyperventilating

Today was hard.

I knew it was going to be.

Mr. Wonderful and I have a rule that if our kids get C's or below, they don't get to play video games. This has never been a problem but with the lack of effort I witnessed Knave putting into his school work this semester, it was inevitable.

And the day we found out that he got a C was today.

What makes me crazy is that these rules have been set in stone for as long as I can remember so when Mr. Wonderful picked up the boys from school and Knave announced that he got a C "but it was just barely a C so can I please PLEASE PLEASE still play my video games?" and Mr. Wonderful, instead of enforcing our already-set-boundaries answered, "we will have to ask you mom" it makes me want to pull my damn hair out.

Now I'm the bad guy for following through with our rules and boundaries.

"Dad would have let me it's just YOU, YOU RUIN MY LIFE."
"I HATE YOU"
"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD"
"GO KILL YOURSELF"
"YOU'RE A BITCH"


It was the "bitch" comment that sent Mr. Wonderful on a dead sprint towards Knave.

Then Knave took a swing and it all went crazy.

I cried.

Like the hyperventilating, I can't catch my breath, cry. 

Now we are in the car, a cute little family traveling out of state to make magical Christmas memories.

I want to crawl in my bed.

-->
My heart is broken right now.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

My Dailies

Lately I have felt foggy.
I think this is what trauma does. 
It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.

Pinocchio started therapy last week.  He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family.  It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own.  It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.

But this is what we do as parents right? 
I don't know actually. 
But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.

ONE STEP AT A TIME


Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies.  For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:

Dailies (examples)
- Personal: 
     Keep a Journal
     Repeat Daily Affirmations
     Personal Development - start a new hobby
                                         take a community education course 
                                         express creativity such as art and/or poetry
     Recovery Reading or Step-Work

- Physical:
     Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...
     Nutrition - plan meals
                     avoid junk food
     Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep
                                      limit TV time

- Spiritual:
     Prayer
     Meditation
     Scripture or Religious Reading
     Church Service

These are my dailies for the week... 




Thursday, November 30, 2017

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL

I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.

I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.

I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.

It is as though OCD has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL.
And it's a bitch.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Prisoner


I feel like a prisoner. 

Even though I have older children, I can't leave them alone... not with Knave.

Not only do I fear that he will find a way to access pornography in our home {regardless of  having every filtering software known to man} but Knave has OCD and it seems to get more severe the older he gets.

He can often {very often} get stuck in his thought process and stuck in his ways.  If anyone upsets his expectations of how things are suppose to go {according to him} he can lose his temper and rage.  Recently he has shown aggression when he has these rages so I worry about leaving my other kids alone with him.

I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

I suppose I remember feeling like this when Mr. Wonderful was acting out in his addiction.  When he was lying and sneaking and minimizing and gaslighting.  I felt like a prisoner in my marriage and therefore in my life.

But with Mr. Wonderful it felt like an emotional prison.

With Knave it feels like a physical prison.

Both of them are awful.

I am working on solutions to remedy this situation because I don't want to resent my son.

Any suggestions?

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Please! Handle with Care.

Photo by Disney
I have a vulnerability hangover.  

Sharing about Knave feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.  

I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.  And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.  I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.  I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. 

Please handle with care.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Meet Knave of Hearts

I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction. 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Here I am


I'm healing.
My marriage is healing.

But my heart is broken as the affect of pornography spread to another in my family.

This time it is my child.

We've done everything to educate and teach no shame and healthy sexuality like all the professionals recommend. I've read books and stepped out of my comfort zone to create safety and security for my family and my chil
dren.

We have filters.
We aren't rookies.

And yet... here I am.
With a broken heart.