Annoying Fly

So, the other day I was thinking… and I guess I was feeling too.

I was feeling bad about something that triggered me.  I was feeling bad for Mr. Wonderful.  I felt guilty that Mr. Wonderful had to "deal" with my unpredictable triggers and the unpredictable emotions that often accompanied those triggers.

Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get so sad.  Sometimes I'll down right cancel any plans right as we are walking out the door due to my inability to "handle" the real world while dealing with the trauma of betrayal.

I started apologizing to Mr. Wonderful for my inconsistencies when (in mid apology) I realized that what I had to "DEAL" with was so much bigger in comparison.  {Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in apologizing to anyone and everyone (even those that have hurt me beyond belief) when I have done something that merits an apology.}

While I was apologizing something clicked in my brain and before I had thought it through I said… "Mr. Wonderful, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with me when I experience random triggers and random emotions that come from all the hurt and pain of our relationship and our past."  He graciously accepted my apology, so I continued… "but the more I think about it, what I have to deal with compared to what you have to deal with is metaphorically like comparing the hassle of swatting an annoying fly to the hassle of shoveling the poo left by a dozen grown elephants.  I'll admit it, flies can be annoying, especially when you are trying to enjoy a picnic outside… but I think anyone would choose to swat a fly over the task of running around with a shovel that weighs 50 pounds scooping enormous piles of shit that seem to be the size of a 10 year old… what do you think?"

Then I walked away.

PS… I think I may start sharing my story soon!