I have a question.
This question is coming from the same place this post came from.
Recently I asked who, if anyone, you fellow WoPA's (wife of porn/sex addicts) have told about your husbands (boyfriend/fiancé/partner/etc.) addiction. I received a lot of great feedback. From what I received, most of you have reached out in one way or another and most of you had pleasant experiences and most of you didn't regret who you told.
So here's my next question... what about the kids?
Have any of you shared with your children? If so, please share your experiences. How old are your children? Did you regret your decision? How did your child/children respond?
OR
Did you decide not to share with your children? If so, what lead you to this decision? Do you ever plan on sharing this with your children?
This is such a sensitive topic for our children. I feel like we can help each other by sharing our experiences.
***Random note. I received most comments from the other post privately (through email or Facebook) so I was privy to a lot of helpful information. However, if you feel comfortable, please leave your comments here - under this post - so others can benefit from your experience. You can always leave your comment anonymously. Of course, if you don't feel comfortable sharing here, I still want to hear from you privately.***
I told my kids because they noticed something was happening ANYWAY. Kids are smart. And it's a fact that when kids sense turmoil they start to think that it's somehow their fault. SO, in order to save them from the horrible trauma of thinking something is wrong with THEM , I told them.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are very little (8, 6, 4, 2), so half of them didn't care and didn't listen haha. I told them that daddy needs help and so that's why he's going to a counselor and meetings and that's why I'm going to meetings. I told them about daddy's abusive childhood and how "grandpa bear wasn't very nice to daddy" and how daddy never learned HOW to be a good daddy. Etcetc.
My kids always hear us talking about pornography and sex addiction, but I haven't fully explained about his pornography addiction yet although my oldest knows he IS a pornography addict. My oldest just hasn't fully cared to know by asking more questions. So I made sure to tell my kids enough info so fast they know it's not their fault and they are GREAT. For now, we will keep throwing my kids hints, and if they ask more about it then its time to explain more.
I think that day will be soon :) I'm excited :)
I'm not sure what more to say to my kids. My two eldest daughters are 16 and 14, then two boys 11 and 9 then my 2 year old daughter. I have talked to my older girls about their dad but not using the "addiction" word to describe him, but mentioning addiction is possible if pornography entrap you. I approached it mainly because they saw a post of mine in a support group on Facebook (they got on my phone and FB was up). Thankfully it was a hopeful post but I let the girls know that we were struggling with this because of the betrayal I felt when I found out he had been looking at porn. I tried to encourage then to be watchful and look for boys that kept their words and actions clean and to not be afraid to talk about porn with their friends. That's how they can help each other because we know it's a danger, as bad as drugs!
ReplyDeleteAs for my boys, they sense our tension and I haven't figured out a way to talk them about their dad specifically yet. We have discussed porn and the effects it can have namely that it can condition you to not be able to love someone the way you are meant to. That hit home with my 11 year old. I told them how it really hurts marriages and families because it mocks what God meant to be sacred.
I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I try to approach these discussions prayerfully when possible and be aware of the specific needs of each child. I know the discussions need to continue and that it's not just a one time explanation and they get it. Thanks for posing the question. It's something I needed to think about more!
Our kids know. My son, who is now 14, was 11 when he saw the title (only the title) of my H's step one disclosure. He came to me right away, very anxious, and told me what he saw. He wanted to know what a sex addict was and what it meant that his dad was one. We sat down with him and explained what it meant and the relief and understanding he felt was obvious. He knew that things felt "off" and now he had context. We told our next son, who was almost 9 at the time, 6 months later. Our younger two children have grown up with recovery talk and language and open dialogue.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago, my oldest son asked to write a post on my blog, and it confirmed to me that we had made the right choice for our family. http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2014/05/addiction-from-my-sons-perspective.html?m=0
After praying about it, I decided my older three kids needed to know something. They are ages 9, 12, and 13. I have been open but not graphic with what my and my husband's temptations and sorrows are. I talk about books and movies and how we are keeping our home safe spiritually, emotionally, and physically because of what we keep out of our home. I have told them that we decided long ago and recently not to get divorced but are seeing a marriage counselor to fix things. They know I am going to LDS ARP and support class, both for women only. When I am crying and they ask me why, I say that Dad has hurt my feelings. I will keep telling them more as they grow older. I want them to know the damage pornography causes, not just to hear from leaders and me to stay away from it. Because I am being open with them, they are opening up to me.
ReplyDelete