Fifteen years ago I couldn’t have imagined what my marriage would endure, what I would endure, and what Jon would endure. If I would have been able to sneak a glimpse of what the years ahead had in store for me I would have been so scared and so doubtful in my ability to work through the hardships that I probably would have ran away and never looked back.
But… I’m really glad I didn’t.
I am really, really glad I didn’t.
I wonder what I will say about things 15 years from now!
Marriage is hard, it just is. My marriage, over the last 15 years, has involved compromise and stubbornness, communication and separation, patience and frustration, hurt and pain and so much healing, hope and hopelessness, love and hate, pride and humility, anger and sadness, fear and safety, lies and honesty, judgement, forgiveness, frustration, and charity.
Over the last 15 years our marriage has seen many dark days. We spent years fighting WITH each other while fighting FOR each other. There was a period of time when neither of us thought we could withstand the damages done in our marriage and we almost walked away.
But somehow, with the Grace of God, things started changing and we are still here.
I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.
After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.
This spoke to me today.
This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.
It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.
My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate everything about it. I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.
I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.
I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that. Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away". But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.
Choosing recovery is the first step. But choosing once didn't make it go away. I have to choose recovery...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard. And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.
It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction. Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life. It's an exhausting thought isn't it?
I lean into hope. Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming. It isn't always exhausting. I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful. But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.
Why is it so easy to go backwards?
I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture. Most of the time that big picture consists of meus having to suffer with Him by our side.
I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain. It has stretched me as a person. I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be. It pushes me. Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.
I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.
