Anonymity

Illustration - Kelly Zac

I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.
That is when I decided to write.

Then, after going to the first ever Camp Scabs {back in 2013} and realized I wasn't alone.
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.
That is when I started this blog.

This anonymous blog.
Where Alice lives.

Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.

But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people {and when I say few I mean less than 3} who know about Alice and this blog.

I've noticed that these {less than three} people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it scares me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to spy read.

I think they feel happy when I feel sad.
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.

But I'm going to practice letting go of those {less than three} people.

I have been writing.  But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.

I'm owning this.
And I'm changing this.

One Step Closer

I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.  

As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward.  What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.

Gasp.
Gulp.

As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.

I am scared  terrified.

I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress.  Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.

I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful.  I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband.  I have figured it all out right?

Well, I did have it figured out...

But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.

I am in conflict with myself.  I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled.  But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.

I don't want to but I need to.  It's time.

I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.

And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers.  Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart.  But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...

Or be one step closer to being free.

It's Time

I have been super busy with a work project.  Having a big project has been the perfect excuse for me to hide from my marriage and hide from the reality that I have some pretty big decisions to make.

I am happy that this project is over.

and...

I am terrified that this project is over.

Here I go... wish me luck.

Do the Impossible Alice

Dear Mama Alice,

Listen, you can do this.  You have to do this, if not for you, for your kids.  Let me explain some of the things you learned about yourself and your situation this weekend at Camp Scabs:

You are really afraid to love yourself.  You are afraid to accept yourself.  But the funny thing is, you are ok.  You are alright.  You have problems.  You have faults.  You have weaknesses, but don’t give up because of these things.  Don’t believe that it’s all too much, because it’s not.  It’s hard.  It’s so painful.  It’s so scary.  But you are NOT broken.  It’s not hopeless.  This is NOT stronger than you.  It is true that you are a victim of some very hard things that aren’t your fault but don’t let these things take over.  

You can’t.  

Do you understand the magnitude of this?  It’s not just affecting you, it’s affecting those you love and cherish more than anything in this entire world… those three beautiful children.  And wouldn’t you do anything for them?  Wouldn’t you give up ANYTHING for them?  I believe you would.  I KNOW you would.

What you need to do now is be so brave for them.  You have to reach somewhere within yourself… somewhere that you have been very afraid to venture.  Alice, you need to be stronger for your kids... in fact, they need to see you be fearless.  You need to show them that you can do hard things, and the best way to show them this is to DO those hard things. 

You have to love yourself… if not for you then for them.  Be with them.  Have fun with them.  Jump, literally jump, in a swimming pool with them; or even better, the ocean.  Live, laugh and love (I know you hate that saying) but do it, and do it like you have never been wounded or betrayed.  

The world can be scary but it can also be exciting and adventurous and GOOD and HAPPY.  Find that… be brave… be fearless… and FIND IT!  Do it for your kids.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for Mr. Wonderful (yeah I said Mr. Wonderful) he is trying… and you know that he is.  He has a good heart with a problem.  He is strong and he’s really, really brave.  Maybe the first brave thing you can do is tell him just how brave and how strong you think he is… and maybe even cry… because that would be scary and vulnerable and real.

You can do this.  And whenever you think you can’t, think of those beautiful little children that adore you with all of their hearts. 

Oh, and one last thing, TALK to those kids about what is going on.  What I mean is, address the feelings in the home for what they are.  The kids feel it, they just do.  So don’t let them believe that it is something other than what it is, don't let them believe it has something to do with them… address it with them individually and all together.  Build a relationship with them.  Work to build their self-esteem and confidence.  Show them that you are brave and that you can have a relationship with their dad.  This is what will stay with them forever.  So, stop watching TV… stop needing so many breaks, because let's be honest, you don’t need to have that many breaks.  Be with your children, be brave… love them and be with them.  It’s impossible to have no regrets… but you can minimize those regrets by pushing through this.

You can do this.  DO IT!  You are strong.  Remember how strong you are.  

Just do it.  Just do it.

You are a great mother. 

Alice

This is a letter I wrote to myself last year at Camp Scabs.  I haven't read it since I wrote it and reading it tonight motivated me and scared me.  I was kinda harsh… but I was real.  I thought I would share it.  I don't want to bury it for another year again.  

Oh, and I haven't told Mr. Wonderful what I set out to tell him when I got home from camp.  

I think I just froze.

And then I forgot.  

But it's time to tell him.  

It's time.

And this makes me sad…

Alice trying to make sense of her new world

Do you sometimes wonder if life will ever feel "normal" again?  I do.
Although I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this curiosity…
I don't think it ever will.

I'm not saying that I can't be happy.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that it is impossible to ever find joy in my marriage.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that I can't heal.  I think I can.

However...

I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes in which I once did.
My eyes were innocent.  My eyes were bright and hopeful and happy and understanding and honest and forgiving.  My eyes saw the world as safe.  My eyes saw that people are worth loving... without reservations.  They saw risks as something worth taking.
I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes again.

And this makes me sad.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.
I gave my trust without effort.  My trust was faithful and loyal and true and eager and a gift that I felt most people deserved.  I felt that the world was mostly safe.  I felt that people were worthy of my trust... without reservations.  I felt that trusting was worth the risk.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.

And this makes me sad.

I can't erase what Mr. Wonderful has done.  I can't erase the feelings of betrayal that often control my life.  I can't pretend that fear is an uncommon emotion for me, it's not, I feel it everyday.  I can't go back to the happy-go-lucky girl I was before there was Alice… before there was Mr. Wonderful…  before there was pornography, adult bookstores, secrets, strip clubs, deception, girls, sex, addiction, and lies that existed in my very marriage… in my very family.

And this makes me sad.

Things that once made me excited and happy seem to scare me and consume me with fear.  Things that I looked forward to like:  going to the beach, date night, Disney Land, temple trips with Mr. Wonderful, going to movies, watching TV, church, girlfriends hanging out at my house, intimacy, FHE, raising children, sex, communicating, family dinner and recently… the Superbowl…(to name a few) have gone from an effortlessly enjoyable activity to a rigorously all-consuming situation.  At times I have to exert all my energy just to get through these things that I once loved.

And this makes me sad.

I feel tainted.
I feel like the world is contaminated.
I feel like trusting anyone is unsafe.

And this makes me sad.

However…

I have hope.
I have hope that if I work on me, eventually one day, I will be able to enjoy all the things that I use to enjoy, without much effort…
even the Superbowl.

And this makes me happy.

Someone Else...

Can someone else please tell me what to do?  I will do anything ANYTHING you tell me to do if it will make this madness go away, this heavy fog lift, this spinning and swirling stop.  Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. 

JUST. TELL. ME.

Alice in Wonderland

But, no matter how much I beg and cry and kick and scream, no one has my answers, no one can fix me, no one can fix my husband or my situation or my marriage.  No one can erase all the lies and deception and betrayal of the past and replace it with truth and happiness and fields of flowers for me to run through all day long.  I want someone to tell me if I should divorce or stay married.  I want someone to tell me if this is all for the better of me AND my children and if so, yeah, I'll stay.  I want someone to measure the damage that has been done and will be done to my children because their home doesn't feel safe.  I want someone to know and tell me if this damage is "fixable" or not.  I want someone to tell me HOW MUCH LONGER this will last so I can decide what to do.  "One more year you say?.. then I'll stay."  "Until I die you say?..then I'm gone."  But no one has told me this yet.  No one has given me the answers.  No one has looked into my future and said "Alice, you need to take the pill that says "small" and all will be fixed.  No one.  Not my bishop.  Not my parents.  Not my husband.  Not my WoPa friends.  Not my Stake President.  Not the people I trust.  No one.  

This is hard.  

I want someone to do all the hard work and find all the answers and then ship them to me express mail and way-lah!  "Oh, this isn't reality?  This will never happen?"  

This is hard.    

I attended "The Togetherness Project" this last weekend and the information I inhaled was so great.  It was so real and so relatable and so what I needed to hear.  But while I was there I realized something that I think I already knew… I realized, I am on my own journey.  I didn't like realizing that and I still don't like how it feels in my gut, it's scary.  I mean, I was surrounded by women that had been just as betrayed and hurt and discouraged and hopeless and confused and BROKEN as I am… and yet, my journey and my answers and my path will vary from theirs, and theirs will vary from each others.

This is hard.

I am realizing that I have to work.  I have to work hard and be strong and move.  I am realizing that although I am a victim to the choices that loved ones in my life have made, I don't get a "pass".  I have to fight.  I have to fight hard.  I know I am not alone but I am alone in my own journey.  I know I have support from loved ones and I have people cheering for me and I even know, at times, I will walk with others on their journey as our paths come together, but eventually, they will break apart and I will be on my own path again.

I am accepting that I have to work.  I am accepting that it's going to be hard.  What works for one may not work for me.  As my dear friend Scabs said at the Togetherness Project, I have to… HAVE to be BRAVE.

Alice is beautiful and strong.    

I am the only one that knows.
I am the only one that can make the really hard decisions.
I am the only one that can feel what to do.

This is hard.
I am Brave.
Trust yourself Alice.