And this makes me sad…

Alice trying to make sense of her new world

Do you sometimes wonder if life will ever feel "normal" again?  I do.
Although I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this curiosity…
I don't think it ever will.

I'm not saying that I can't be happy.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that it is impossible to ever find joy in my marriage.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that I can't heal.  I think I can.

However...

I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes in which I once did.
My eyes were innocent.  My eyes were bright and hopeful and happy and understanding and honest and forgiving.  My eyes saw the world as safe.  My eyes saw that people are worth loving... without reservations.  They saw risks as something worth taking.
I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes again.

And this makes me sad.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.
I gave my trust without effort.  My trust was faithful and loyal and true and eager and a gift that I felt most people deserved.  I felt that the world was mostly safe.  I felt that people were worthy of my trust... without reservations.  I felt that trusting was worth the risk.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.

And this makes me sad.

I can't erase what Mr. Wonderful has done.  I can't erase the feelings of betrayal that often control my life.  I can't pretend that fear is an uncommon emotion for me, it's not, I feel it everyday.  I can't go back to the happy-go-lucky girl I was before there was Alice… before there was Mr. Wonderful…  before there was pornography, adult bookstores, secrets, strip clubs, deception, girls, sex, addiction, and lies that existed in my very marriage… in my very family.

And this makes me sad.

Things that once made me excited and happy seem to scare me and consume me with fear.  Things that I looked forward to like:  going to the beach, date night, Disney Land, temple trips with Mr. Wonderful, going to movies, watching TV, church, girlfriends hanging out at my house, intimacy, FHE, raising children, sex, communicating, family dinner and recently… the Superbowl…(to name a few) have gone from an effortlessly enjoyable activity to a rigorously all-consuming situation.  At times I have to exert all my energy just to get through these things that I once loved.

And this makes me sad.

I feel tainted.
I feel like the world is contaminated.
I feel like trusting anyone is unsafe.

And this makes me sad.

However…

I have hope.
I have hope that if I work on me, eventually one day, I will be able to enjoy all the things that I use to enjoy, without much effort…
even the Superbowl.

And this makes me happy.