Healing is Born

This is a collection of stories, letters and resources from WoPAs (wives of porn/sex addicts) to be shared with one another and with our friends, loved ones and anyone seeking to understand our experiences. These are our own experiences -- in our own words. Owning our individual stories and loving ourselves through the process -- this is where healing is born.

http://owningourstories.blogspot.com/

 

Letting Myself

Today I feel that Mr. Wonderful loves me deeply and sincerely.
Today I believe that Mr. Wonderful loves me deeply and sincerely.

Sometimes I don't easily feel this.  Sometimes I don't easily let myself feel this.
Sometimes I don't easily believe this.  Sometimes I don't easily let myself believe this.

But today I do.  And today I am.

And this makes me sad…

Alice trying to make sense of her new world

Do you sometimes wonder if life will ever feel "normal" again?  I do.
Although I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this curiosity…
I don't think it ever will.

I'm not saying that I can't be happy.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that it is impossible to ever find joy in my marriage.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that I can't heal.  I think I can.

However...

I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes in which I once did.
My eyes were innocent.  My eyes were bright and hopeful and happy and understanding and honest and forgiving.  My eyes saw the world as safe.  My eyes saw that people are worth loving... without reservations.  They saw risks as something worth taking.
I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes again.

And this makes me sad.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.
I gave my trust without effort.  My trust was faithful and loyal and true and eager and a gift that I felt most people deserved.  I felt that the world was mostly safe.  I felt that people were worthy of my trust... without reservations.  I felt that trusting was worth the risk.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.

And this makes me sad.

I can't erase what Mr. Wonderful has done.  I can't erase the feelings of betrayal that often control my life.  I can't pretend that fear is an uncommon emotion for me, it's not, I feel it everyday.  I can't go back to the happy-go-lucky girl I was before there was Alice… before there was Mr. Wonderful…  before there was pornography, adult bookstores, secrets, strip clubs, deception, girls, sex, addiction, and lies that existed in my very marriage… in my very family.

And this makes me sad.

Things that once made me excited and happy seem to scare me and consume me with fear.  Things that I looked forward to like:  going to the beach, date night, Disney Land, temple trips with Mr. Wonderful, going to movies, watching TV, church, girlfriends hanging out at my house, intimacy, FHE, raising children, sex, communicating, family dinner and recently… the Superbowl…(to name a few) have gone from an effortlessly enjoyable activity to a rigorously all-consuming situation.  At times I have to exert all my energy just to get through these things that I once loved.

And this makes me sad.

I feel tainted.
I feel like the world is contaminated.
I feel like trusting anyone is unsafe.

And this makes me sad.

However…

I have hope.
I have hope that if I work on me, eventually one day, I will be able to enjoy all the things that I use to enjoy, without much effort…
even the Superbowl.

And this makes me happy.

Bothered

I have a difficult time trusting myself and my instincts.  After Mr. Wonderful dropped the mother bomb on my back in 2007 I have tried to stay grounded, I have tried to be insightful, I have tried to be sensitive to my feelings and emotions, I have tried to be in-tune.  However, I find it hard to know if the spirit is telling me something or if it's my fear or paranoia.  This has been a constant struggle for me and what's sad about it is that sometimes, Mr. Wonderful has used my doubt and capitalized on it.

The truth is, I had NO IDEA about Mr. Wonderful's addiction until he told me.  The truth is I had NO INTUITION about the secrets and lies.  The truth is I was the LAST to realize what my life REALLY was.

So, trusting myself doesn't come easy.

I doubt my thoughts, feelings, choices, boundaries, etc… so much.

With this said, the other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking… wait -- wait -- wait, first I should say that Mr. Wonderful is actively and proactively working his recovery.  He really started kicking things in gear 6 months ago.  I have seen actually changes that, before this last year, have only manifested in words, not deeds.  Mr. Wonderful truly is trying and fighting harder now than he ever has.  Okay, now I can go on…

The other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking.  He was telling me about his progress.  He shared that he is still tempted to look at other women but 9 times out of 10 he pushes the thought away and doesn't give in to the temptation.  This bothered me.  This is where I need help from you guys reading this, if anyone is reading this… please, if you are reading this help me!  I told Mr. Wonderful that I don't feel that it is fair to me to have share a bed with a man who 1 time out of 10 gives in to a temptation of looking in a lustful way at another woman.

Okay, so is this too much?  Is my request or my expectations even reasonable?

I feel like the world says men are men, they are going to look.  Can they even help it?

Also, I don't know why this bothers me so bad.  My husband has been diagnosed with a "sex" addiction.  He attends SAA meetings.  On the invisible scale of sex and pornography Mr. Wonderful has ventured far FAR further than checking out girls every once in a while.  So why does this bother me so much?

It bothers me that it bothers me.

I hate that I feel like I'm being too hard on him.  When I look at it I wish I felt grateful.  I mean, I AM grateful that he's not at the strip clubs, I am happy that he isn't getting lap dances or flirting or talking sexual with those ladies.  I am grateful that he isn't visiting adult bookstores or spending our money on girls and sexual things… because he has done that, ALL that, before.

So, why am I so bothered by the 1 out of 10 girls thing?  On the invisible scale of what my husband has done from WAY awful to WAY great, shouldn't dismissing the temptation 9 out of 10 times be something I celebrate?

But I'm not celebrating.

And the last 2 nights, ever sense that talk that Mr. Wonderful and I had, I have been sleeping in my bed alone.  Mr. Wonderful is wondering if I intend to keep him out of my bed until he can promise me that he NEVER looks at another women again.

I told him that I'm not sure.

And I'm not.

***Please, please, PLEASE leave your comments or your input here.  This is one of those posts that I truly am asking for some insight***