it's not fair

Mr. Wonderful is a sex addict.  

I wanted to do everything in my power to give my kids the best chance they had at not being sex addicts.

So I asked.

I asked Mr. Wonderful what he thought would have helped him better as a child and a teenager.  I asked the professionals what the best things were to help my kids navigate their natural hormones, learn about healthy sexuality, and avoid pornography.  I asked the wives and moms of sex addicts what they thought the best avenues were when trying to talk and teach children.  I asked coaches and bishops and teachers and leaders.  I read books and articles and went to seminars and conferences on the topic.

I learned a lot.

And then came the part where I applied the things I learned. 

We took away the shame as we had/have open discussions about pornography and healthy sexuality.  We talk about natural hormones and what that feels like and what looks like.  We talk about respect and consent and accountability.  We read all of the books that were recommended to us with each child individually (Good Pictures Bad Pictures, 30Days of Sex Talks, Growing Up, etc... {all fabulous books by the way}).  We talked as a family and together set up internet and device filters to help prevent exposures.  We lovingly listen without reacting when our kids do come to us with problems and issues regarding pornography and sex {this one is so hard to do because inside I am SCREAMING in fear}.

WE DO EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT TO DO… and it doesn’t seem to be working.

I find myself feeling a little hopeless, maybe even victim-y.
  
One of my children are struggling with pornography.  Some may even say that he is addicted.  I think that he is addicted.  I can’t believe I am having to go through this as a mom after experiencing it as a wife.  

I just need to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a bit. 

It’s not fair.

A Bikini at Church

We were visiting a different ward on Sunday because an amazing couple we know was leaving on a mission. 

During the meeting we were asked to stand and sing a hymn.  The dad in front of us couldn't stand because his little daughters head was resting on his lap while she napped.

This gave my 13-year old son and myself a perfect view of this man and what he was doing.

He was on his phone.  

Who am I to judge?

He got on Instagram and a girl in a bikini popped up on his feed.

Who am I to judge?  But my son noticed and looked at me.  I kind of shrugged and kept singing the hymn.  

The Instagram feed adjusted to being turned on and the bikini picture disappeared.

We kept singing and the dad in front of us kept scrolling until he found... THE BIKINI PICTURE AGAIN. 

He viewed the bikini photo that had disappeared too soon for his liking.  He even scrolled in to get a better look.

My son looked back up at me and by now I was fuming.  

Here we were at CHURCH. 

Where is the honesty? Where is the example?  Where can a mom and her kids have a break from the worlds agendas and influence?  

CHURCH?????  Nope. 

I looked at my son and said, "I'm sorry you had to see this.  It's not fair and I am sorry that this man, this priesthood leader is being a bad example of the power he holds."  

We kept singing.  

I wanted to reach over and grab his wife and hug her.

After the song I leaned over and told my mom what had happened.  She got even more fired up than I was!!!  She looked at me and said, "I'm saying something to him after the meeting." 

And she did.

She actually walked right up to him and asked if he had a moment.  They sat down on the bench and she told him what had happened.  She told him she wasn't there to judge him only to let him know of the situation he had accidentally put others in.  {but lets get real man, you shouldn't be zooming in at the stuff regardless of where you are}

The dad was uncomfortable and probably really embarrassed.  Our purpose wasn't to embarrass him.  He mumbled around and tried to minimize what he did {"the picture popped up, I didn't know that was going to happen"} but he did apologize.  I was grateful for the apology.

Mostly, I was grateful for my badass mom who was brave enough to say something.  

She was the true example that day.  And her grandson {my 13-year old} knows he's important enough to speak up for.  

What would you have done? 

Suicidal

Today the police came over... AGAIN.

This is the second time in 3 weeks.

Knave found out that he was kicked out of the only thing he is passionate about, the play Fiddler on the Roof, and he is so mad.

He deserves it.

He made a girl feel so uncomfortable that she didn't go to school today.

When I got the call from the vice principal I was in Utah for my cousins wedding.  I was surprised when he told me the things Knave was saying to this poor girl.  It was harassment.

It was sexual harassment.

I am embarrassed and hurt and confused and... this is not about me.

After Knave learned that they were taking him out of the play, he lost it.  He started yelling and cussing and throwing things.  He threw a chair at Mr. Wonderful.  Thank goodness the other 2 kids were outside.

Knave grabbed a knife and locked himself in his room.  He was threatening his own life.  I don't think he's brave enough to take his own life because he doesn't like pain but Mr. Wonderful was scared.

The police came.

The "crisis prevention" team came.

What do we do with him?  What options are there for us?  He is in therapy and group therapy.  He has a psychiatrist and he is on medication.  He is mentally ill... OCD or bipolar, we are still trying to figure this out.

WHAT DO WE DO???

We owe it to our other kids to create a safe place.  They deserve safety.

They are afraid of Knave.  They are afraid to be alone with him.  I don't blame them.  We never leave them alone with Knave.  They don't feel safe at home.

What do we do?

Please! Handle with Care.

Photo by Disney

I have a vulnerability hangover.  

Sharing about Knave feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.  

I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.  And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.  I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.  I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. 

Please handle with care.

Meet Knave of Hearts

I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction.