Boundary Information from a LifeStar Therapist

Let’s get started on the topic of boundaries. I appreciate the questions about boundaries. I want to cover some basics to set a foundation to create some healthy really awesome boundaries or tweak some of the ones you may already have. I am assuming that we all are at various places with boundaries.

What are boundaries?

1. Boundaries are like fences between neighbors, they define the limits of the relationship. They provide safety and structure and define engagement that is appropriate or inappropriate in the relationship.

Boundaries help us to define how we respond in a healthy or unhealthy way. “I will do that“or “I will not do that“.  “I need this to feel safe“, “this is OK or this is not OK“. “I am willing or I am not willing to do that“.

FYI, these statements can be used for ourselves (internal boundaries) and others (external boundaries). We will discuss these two types of boundaries below.

The statements above are all examples of language that can be used to set boundaries.

2.  Will you take some time to answer the following questions?

a.     What is my position regarding boundaries such as do I feel that I have the right to create boundaries?

b.     Do I feel that wanting to create and implement boundaries is a selfish concept?

c.     Do I feel that setting boundaries can create safety and a healthier way to live life?

d.     Am I fearful of the repercussions? Repercussion such as escalation of my spouse’s acting out behaviors, activation of his defense mechanisms? Will boundaries create more disconnection and resistance? If so what are these fears?

3. The space we want to be when we are defining and creating boundaries is in an assertive place. Not passive or aggressive.

In the passive position we will appear weak and wishy-washy. In this position we are likely to be “eaten alive“by spouse, children, or others!

Coming from the aggressive place we will appear crazy and unreasonable. When our aggression subsides we will feel stupid and question ourselves.

In the assertive space we are mindful of our words and our thoughts. We have worked very hard and have taken time to create simple boundaries. We approach our significant others in a neutral space with respect. We set up a formal time and place where we can talk without distractions or interruptions.

We want to gain confidence that the concept of boundaries is healthy and will create safety and empowerment.

Overtime, we become familiar with the unhealthy when we are living with addiction. So when we make changes that are healthy we feel very unfamiliar and uncertain. This is normal. As a human being we have the right to feel safe, to be able to be a creator of an environment of thriving not simply surviving. REMEMBER:

”Boundaries aren’t something you do to another person.

Boundaries are something you do for your own self-care,

well-being and protection.”

4. WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE AND ARE NOT (the following are some examples):

Boundaries are to create safety and a space to thrive.

Boundaries are used to define healthy limits in relationships.

Boundaries are protection against repeated harm.   

Boundaries give us options.

Boundaries are not punishments.

Boundaries are not methods of coercing and forcing behaviors.

Boundaries are not ways to avoid dealing with pain.

Boundaries are not used to emotionally disconnect.

5. Let’s discuss two types of boundaries: Personal boundaries and relational boundaries.

Personal boundaries are about how we respond to our self-- meaning when we are triggered how we emotionally respond and cope; what you will do or won’t do when triggered. Examples include emotionally disconnected, zoning out or numbing out, we may punish, or try to control or micromanage the behavior of others. Personal boundaries allow us to make healthy choices in our responses in the face of powerful emotional triggers. You don’t share this type of boundary with your spouse. This is used when we are dealing with people who don’t care to hear about boundaries or who refuse

Examples of personal boundary statements:

“I can choose my responses to his slips or relapses. I do not have to allow my trauma to control how I respond.”

“Instead of punishing him for hurting me, I will take care of myself in a healthy way. When he has earned my trust, I will share with him my feelings and needs.”

I can decide when and how I begin to trust him again.”

“I will work on my own recovery, regardless of his commitment to his recovery.”

 “Instead of zoning out and emotionally disconnecting when I am in pain, I will reach out and share with others in my life who are safe.”

“I choose not to be responsible for his choices.”

 “I can choose to love and accept myself even when his addiction affects the way I perceive myself.”

Relational boundaries are most often set with the addict, but may also be set with parents, family, friends or kids.  Your relational boundaries define how much physical and emotional space you need between you and others. These boundaries define how you will respond when others act (or refuse to act). They keep you safe when others are not ready to keep you safe.

Examples of relational boundary statements you might share with your spouse in recovery are:

“Even if you decide not to stay engaged in recovery, I will continue to do my own work.”

“If you act out in your addiction and hide it from me, I will ask you not to sleep in my bed until I feel safe again with you.”

“I will feel much safer and more able to trust you if you are attending weekly 12-step meetings. If you choose not to go, I will be limited in my ability to emotionally connect with you.”

“If you try to blame me for your choices in addiction, I will let you know that in our next therapy session together we will discuss my concerns with our therapist. I will not argue with you about it or defend myself.”

“I will not engage sexually with you when I feel coerced or when you beg.”

“If you cannot work toward understanding how your addiction has hurt me, and if you continue to excuse your behavior, I will move toward separation from you. In this state of mind, your ‘addict’ self is not safe enough for me to be with.”

IMPLEMENTATION

1.    Decide on your boundaries — write them down.

a.     Get feedback for your boundaries before you share.

2.    Share your boundaries with XXX: “In order to maintain my own safety while you are working on your recovery, when you __________, I will __________. “

3.    If necessary, remind him of your boundaries to provide clarity.

 ENFORCE

1.     Slow down, breathe, and quietly decide how you will respond.

2.     Remind him of your boundary and that your response is about your own       emotional and relational safety. 

3.     Follow through with the boundary.

4.     Help him understand that your boundary is in place until you feel safe again, and not for a set period of time.

“My boundaries are how I protect myself

When you choose not to protect me.”

Ladies, I hope the information above is a reminder, starting place, review of boundaries.

Please answer the questions about your perspective and feelings. To create a boundary, start with a need that you have; safety, emotional, connection, communication, accountability…… etc.

Decide on the language from the examples above and below. Make sure you have a consequence … make sure you WILL enforce the consequence 99.9% of the time.

Before you share or implement please discuss this with someone safe and who has had some experience with boundaries….. GET FEEDBACK! Set a time to discuss the boundary.

Here are some more examples of boundaries:

1)  I have a right to rigorous honesty in my relationship.

Consequence: If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization) I will put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation until such time as I feel secure enough to share a bed again.  The degree of space will depend on the severity of the dishonesty.  During the time when I have my space, I will work on my own self-healing.  [A live-in separation means separate beds and meals and activities.  No sexual intimacy during this time and no seeing each other naked.]  If my husband comes to me with a confession of dishonesty, I can enforce this boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.

2)      I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.

Consequence: If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (hearing his plans, monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his needs), I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care list and will partake of it.  Exception applies to this boundary when I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.

3)      I have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.

Consequence: When I feel these specific fears, I will honestly voice them to my husband, my Savior, and someone in my support circle (preferably my sponsor).  In the case of a loose cannon temper, I will ask my husband to leave.  If he does not leave, I will take the children and leave.

4)      I have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.

Consequence: If I feel lust in our sexual relations, I will halt any activity going on and honestly discuss my emotions with my husband.  I will not engage in any intimate activities without prior emotional connection.  I will honor my gut and my emotions as I strive to rebuild a new sexual reality with my partner.  If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether from my husband or from myself), I will take sex off the table.

5)      I have a right to not be controlled.

Consequence: If I ever become aware that I am being controlled, I will honestly voice my awareness and make a stand to choose for myself.  If that choice is disrespected, I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my inner sense of self in order to strengthen and fortify my confidence. 

6)      I have the right to not be manipulated.

Consequence: If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me, I will honestly voice my feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party educated in sexual addiction.

7)      I have the right to not be objectified.

Consequence: If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction, I will create physical space between him and me.  Sex will be taken off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.

8)      I have the right to live with a husband in recovery.

Consequence: If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop, I will take a break from the marriage.

9)      I have a right to be equal with my spouse.

Consequence: If my husband takes on a parenting roll with me, I will physically and emotionally detach from the situation either by excusing myself or ending the conversation.  If my husband takes a child roll with me, I will leave the situation to him alone to handle.

10)  I have the right to feel love for more than just my body.

Consequence: If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction, I will take sex off the table.  If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body, I will excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately thereafter choose one item from my self-care list and partake.

11)  I have a right to have a say as to what comes into my home.

Consequence: If there is inappropriate media in my home, I will turn it off.