Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general. 

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.

This is too familiar.

This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it. 

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier. 

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared. 

It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction.  Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life.  It's an exhausting thought isn't it? 

I lean into hope.  Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming.  It isn't always exhausting.  I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful.  But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.  

Why is it so easy to go backwards?  

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen.  But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side. 

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed. 

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials. 

{I see you up there seeing me!} 

Dear Mr. Wonderful

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I need to start jogging again so you think I'm in the category of all the "other girls" that you find sexy and attractive. That distract your eyes and heart and take over your penis.  

All of those "other" girls.  

The skinny, tan, young, blonde, brunette, red, blue, purple women that seem to be more than me. All the pornstars that you think are unbelievable, all the strippers that I can never be, all the bodies you've touched and dreamed of touching that aren't mine.  The random neighbors, random grocery store workers, hair stylists, the wives of your friends, etc… 

The list never ends. 

I feel like such a failure around you because of all of this. I feel like a waste of space, like I'm worth NOTHING.

It's suffocating.
It's debilitating. 

You make me feel like a mistake. Like the world is better off without me. 

And sometimes I actually believe this.
Today is one of those days.