See

I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.

I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the recovery, and the words.

I replaced the listening with watching.

What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening my eyes.

And guess what I've seen?

I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

I have worked on my personal healing as I have watched and experienced his personal recovery.

{which is not the same as sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}

I am scared.

Is it strange that this scares me?

Let me go back some years ago and try to explain.

For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his actions, and blaming me, than he was in REAL RECOVERY.  After years of living like this I decided that I couldn't... live like this, anymore. I was devastated but I was also convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, I wouldn't survive. I met with a divorce attorney {Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until a year later} and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce {because it wasn't a threat} and because I didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons {fear}.  Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about things that were important {kids, finances, health, schools, etc}. 

The process is long and the decisions are permanent.

And time passed.

I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my healing.

And time passed.

I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.

And as time passed... something happened.

Something changed.

I changed.
He changed.

Desires changed.

I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr. Wonderful.

And now {and for the last few years} he HAS been in REAL RECOVERY.

True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute. Legitimate Recovery.

You guys, he really has been.

I SEE it.

I FEEL it.

And it really scares me to put this out there in the universe.

But what comes next scares me even more...

I have known for months {more months than I care to admit} that it is time.

It is time for me to be physically intimate {SEX} with Mr. Wonderful again.

I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long.

When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed things up, and I did this {and more} for years. {6 years of unhealthy unattached sex... but who's counting?}

And guess what? It didn't work. {surprise, surprise!}

So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt {and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}.  I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful {a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't} but without even realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect had almost become extinct. 

It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.

But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically intimate {SEX}.

And guess what?

It is TIME!

Because I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

And I am scared.

But I am ready.

Because, I see that Mr. Wonderful sees me.

Anonymity

Illustration - Kelly Zac

I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.
That is when I decided to write.

Then, after going to the first ever Camp Scabs {back in 2013} and realized I wasn't alone.
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.
That is when I started this blog.

This anonymous blog.
Where Alice lives.

Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.

But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people {and when I say few I mean less than 3} who know about Alice and this blog.

I've noticed that these {less than three} people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it scares me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to spy read.

I think they feel happy when I feel sad.
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.

But I'm going to practice letting go of those {less than three} people.

I have been writing.  But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.

I'm owning this.
And I'm changing this.

Truth!

Truth!

Our 2 hour marriage counseling session was… exhausting. 

But different. 

We are back to doing “check-ins” but they seem more authentic, more… I don’t know, something. 

I’m still recovering from last week in Newport and Mr. Wonderful saying some pretty hurtful things. Blaming. Projecting. All the bullshit.

It is ALL bullshit. 

I know it, I’m just wondering if he will ever know it.

Sometimes it feels like I live with two different men. 

Bothered

I have a difficult time trusting myself and my instincts.  After Mr. Wonderful dropped the mother bomb on my back in 2007 I have tried to stay grounded, I have tried to be insightful, I have tried to be sensitive to my feelings and emotions, I have tried to be in-tune.  However, I find it hard to know if the spirit is telling me something or if it's my fear or paranoia.  This has been a constant struggle for me and what's sad about it is that sometimes, Mr. Wonderful has used my doubt and capitalized on it.

The truth is, I had NO IDEA about Mr. Wonderful's addiction until he told me.  The truth is I had NO INTUITION about the secrets and lies.  The truth is I was the LAST to realize what my life REALLY was.

So, trusting myself doesn't come easy.

I doubt my thoughts, feelings, choices, boundaries, etc… so much.

With this said, the other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking… wait -- wait -- wait, first I should say that Mr. Wonderful is actively and proactively working his recovery.  He really started kicking things in gear 6 months ago.  I have seen actually changes that, before this last year, have only manifested in words, not deeds.  Mr. Wonderful truly is trying and fighting harder now than he ever has.  Okay, now I can go on…

The other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking.  He was telling me about his progress.  He shared that he is still tempted to look at other women but 9 times out of 10 he pushes the thought away and doesn't give in to the temptation.  This bothered me.  This is where I need help from you guys reading this, if anyone is reading this… please, if you are reading this help me!  I told Mr. Wonderful that I don't feel that it is fair to me to have share a bed with a man who 1 time out of 10 gives in to a temptation of looking in a lustful way at another woman.

Okay, so is this too much?  Is my request or my expectations even reasonable?

I feel like the world says men are men, they are going to look.  Can they even help it?

Also, I don't know why this bothers me so bad.  My husband has been diagnosed with a "sex" addiction.  He attends SAA meetings.  On the invisible scale of sex and pornography Mr. Wonderful has ventured far FAR further than checking out girls every once in a while.  So why does this bother me so much?

It bothers me that it bothers me.

I hate that I feel like I'm being too hard on him.  When I look at it I wish I felt grateful.  I mean, I AM grateful that he's not at the strip clubs, I am happy that he isn't getting lap dances or flirting or talking sexual with those ladies.  I am grateful that he isn't visiting adult bookstores or spending our money on girls and sexual things… because he has done that, ALL that, before.

So, why am I so bothered by the 1 out of 10 girls thing?  On the invisible scale of what my husband has done from WAY awful to WAY great, shouldn't dismissing the temptation 9 out of 10 times be something I celebrate?

But I'm not celebrating.

And the last 2 nights, ever sense that talk that Mr. Wonderful and I had, I have been sleeping in my bed alone.  Mr. Wonderful is wondering if I intend to keep him out of my bed until he can promise me that he NEVER looks at another women again.

I told him that I'm not sure.

And I'm not.

***Please, please, PLEASE leave your comments or your input here.  This is one of those posts that I truly am asking for some insight***

Betrayal

Unexplainable pain and confusion.  "I thought you loved me" I said.  "We do" they answered… and they they lied. 

My week has been difficult.  I can't explain why and that's part of the difficulty.  There needs to be a reason why I struggle.  That's how my brain works.  If it doesn't make sense, I don't validate it.  I am working on this.  Sometimes I have a hard time, just because… lets see, why again?  Oh yeah… life is hard, my marriage is unstable, and I am so terribly terrified to trust anyone.  ANYONE.

I have been betrayed by so many secrets and so many supporters of these secrets.  People I loved lied to protect Mr. Wonderful.  My own blood, my own parents, my therapist, my sister… in an attempt to "protect me" they stood behind my husbands secrets and lies.  They weren't ignorant, they completely understood the situation… don't give them an out, they knew and they kept it from me.

This is a topic I haven't openly discussed because I truly love my parents, they are amazing.  I love my therapist, she knows how to reach me.  I love my sister… she's my SISTER.  My family is close.  We all get along for the most part.  We support each other, we love each other, we are functional, we communicate, we are a close family unit.  

My husband, Mr. Wonderful, shared his "pornography problems" with my family and then convinced these people, whom I love more than anything, to keep his lies and his secrets from me… and they did, for years, for 5 of the 6 years we were married my parents knew, I didn't.  I found out about Mr. Wonderful's sex addiction in 2007… and that same day Mr. Wonderful explained to me that my most trusted, most loved, most loyal, most faithful people in my life knew all about his addiction for 5 years, since 2002… we were married in 2001… I was told in 2007.  How could this have ever happened?  What could Mr. Wonderful have said to convince MY PEOPLE to turn on me?  "Turn on me", that term sound so extreme and so dramatic as I read it to myself, however, that is exactly what it feels like they did.  This makes me so sad.

It's been years, what bothers me is I found out in 2007 and it's 2013.  I am annoyed with myself because I feel as though I still haven't truly faced this part of my story and journey with Mr. Wonderful.  I am so hurt and so broken and I feel so unloveable and so weak because of this betrayal… I feel alone, lonely, unworthy… but I feel like it's all my fault… (and I admit, I say that with a lot of hesitation because I have been taught and told over and over again that it isn't my fault, but it still feels like it's my fault).  Please don't pour on the pity or the lectures, because I get it, I do, I just haven't been able to match my emotions with my knowledge.  And honestly, I can't blame myself too much.  When it seems as though the top 5 people in my life that I loved the most and trusted the most were all on the addicts side, well, it leaves a lot of room for self doubt.

And I am self doubting.

I mean, it's hard enough finding out that the love of my life had been betraying me and lying to me, this  made me doubt myself, made me feel crazy, made my reality turn into Wonderland, but   when "my people", "my top 5" jumped on board and supported Mr. Wonderful, well, that news may have been more devastating than the addiction confession.

This is why my week was hard.

I remember now.

I feel as though I have no one and I'm not sincerely motivated to reach out and find others that could help me… I mean, why should I give it another shot?  If my own family can stand by my cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, husband over me, than why should I believe that anyone truly would stand by my side and have my back?

Today I sign from a broken place, a hopeless place.
Today I feel as lost as I did back in 2007.
Today I feel alone.

Alice