See

I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.

I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the recovery, and the words.

I replaced the listening with watching.

What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening my eyes.

And guess what I've seen?

I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

I have worked on my personal healing as I have watched and experienced his personal recovery.

{which is not the same as sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}

I am scared.

Is it strange that this scares me?

Let me go back some years ago and try to explain.

For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his actions, and blaming me, than he was in REAL RECOVERY.  After years of living like this I decided that I couldn't... live like this, anymore. I was devastated but I was also convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, I wouldn't survive. I met with a divorce attorney {Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until a year later} and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce {because it wasn't a threat} and because I didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons {fear}.  Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about things that were important {kids, finances, health, schools, etc}. 

The process is long and the decisions are permanent.

And time passed.

I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my healing.

And time passed.

I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.

And as time passed... something happened.

Something changed.

I changed.
He changed.

Desires changed.

I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr. Wonderful.

And now {and for the last few years} he HAS been in REAL RECOVERY.

True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute. Legitimate Recovery.

You guys, he really has been.

I SEE it.

I FEEL it.

And it really scares me to put this out there in the universe.

But what comes next scares me even more...

I have known for months {more months than I care to admit} that it is time.

It is time for me to be physically intimate {SEX} with Mr. Wonderful again.

I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long.

When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed things up, and I did this {and more} for years. {6 years of unhealthy unattached sex... but who's counting?}

And guess what? It didn't work. {surprise, surprise!}

So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt {and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}.  I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful {a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't} but without even realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect had almost become extinct. 

It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.

But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically intimate {SEX}.

And guess what?

It is TIME!

Because I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

And I am scared.

But I am ready.

Because, I see that Mr. Wonderful sees me.