I don't think my husband will ever feel like he is lucky to have me as his wife.
I don't think he will ever not think he could have done better.
And I get to live with that. But I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to let that be his thing because I feel like part of me beats the hell out of myself for not being enough for him.
This is so hard for me to talk about and it scares me. That's why I'm typing it.
Things with Mr. Wonderful aren't getting better in our marriage. I still see him manipulating me and stretching the truth whether that is through minimizing or exaggerating. He loses his perspective quickly and will retaliate with pride. He can't admit he is wrong or when he does, he doesn't mean it. I don't feel supported by him in this relationship and I never have. I don't feel like he really wants me to be the best person I can be. He doesn't stand by me and help me grow in a living way, rather he judges me and gets scared when he notices any personal progress I make.
My husband is wonderful at many things. Being a husband isn't one of these things.
If anyone ever needed a hug I think you do tonight. just found your blog this evening, and I'm so touched. These bastard men in our lives don't deserve us and truly they may never understand what they've done to us. Some will get sober, some will fall off the cliff... but we can always rest in the peace that is our right for living up to our promises. For acting in the most christlike manner that we can in this shitty situation. The pain we suffer now as we attempt to fulfill our vows and keep our promises and try to help our brothers succeed in life won't go unnoticed! This addiction tears us down, but the strength we find from it as we grow into better women will forever be a blessing to us and the children we protect. Take some time just for you this weekend and know you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteYes! I couldn't agree more. This is so hard and the addiction tears us down but isn't it crazy the strength we find? I am in awe of my abilities and my strengths that manifest in my most painful and broken times. Thank you for your comment!
DeleteThis makes my heart hurt. You deserve so much, and a loving husband who has your back, wants to be with you and help you grow, and loves you more than anything is one of those things you deserve. Ugh! I wish I could come hug you. I love you so much <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Kilee. The truth is, we all deserve this and we are all getting the short end of the stick because of this addiction. Thank goodness God makes up the difference for us. I love you friend. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteI'm so sorry for the heartache. You aren't alone in your feelings - my husband has repeatedly told me of his regrets in choosing me and his belief that he could have done better. It is such a contradiction that addicts survive on shame yet feel so entitled. Broken brains, and no logic to be found. I don't really know how to live with it either. It hurts. I work on my self-esteem and it takes a little bit of the edge off because for a long time I believed him. But it doesn't take it all away, because we want THEM to see it too. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteYes! It is the biggest contradiction that addicts survive on shame yet feel so entitled. It is a mess in my head how both of those things can exist together. I am sorry that your husband doesn't see how lucky he is. We all deserve to be cherished.
DeleteI am so, so sorry. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support and empathy friend.
DeleteYou said that so well in a teeny space . Thank you for sharing , I share the so many of those feelings , and sure can't say it so well . He should feel the luckiest guy of all . Its all pride , he has an image of himself that''s fantasy . Pure fantasy , cause he sure isn't being Mr Wonderful . Its painful to hear how much he hurts you , I am so sorry .
ReplyDeleteHope, thank you for your comment. It's so painful being a casualty of this addiction isn't it? My hope is that as (if) our husbands choose recovery they will start to see reality and start to see us.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete