Suicidal

Today the police came over... AGAIN.

This is the second time in 3 weeks.

Knave found out that he was kicked out of the only thing he is passionate about, the play Fiddler on the Roof, and he is so mad.

He deserves it.

He made a girl feel so uncomfortable that she didn't go to school today.

When I got the call from the vice principal I was in Utah for my cousins wedding.  I was surprised when he told me the things Knave was saying to this poor girl.  It was harassment.

It was sexual harassment.

I am embarrassed and hurt and confused and... this is not about me.

After Knave learned that they were taking him out of the play, he lost it.  He started yelling and cussing and throwing things.  He threw a chair at Mr. Wonderful.  Thank goodness the other 2 kids were outside.

Knave grabbed a knife and locked himself in his room.  He was threatening his own life.  I don't think he's brave enough to take his own life because he doesn't like pain but Mr. Wonderful was scared.

The police came.

The "crisis prevention" team came.

What do we do with him?  What options are there for us?  He is in therapy and group therapy.  He has a psychiatrist and he is on medication.  He is mentally ill... OCD or bipolar, we are still trying to figure this out.

WHAT DO WE DO???

We owe it to our other kids to create a safe place.  They deserve safety.

They are afraid of Knave.  They are afraid to be alone with him.  I don't blame them.  We never leave them alone with Knave.  They don't feel safe at home.

What do we do?

Hyperventilating

Today was hard.

I knew it was going to be.

Mr. Wonderful and I have a rule that if our kids get C's or below, they don't get to play video games. This has never been a problem but with the lack of effort I witnessed Knave putting into his school work this semester, it was inevitable.

And the day we found out that he got a C was today.

What makes me crazy is that these rules have been set in stone for as long as I can remember so when Mr. Wonderful picked up the boys from school and Knave announced that he got a C "but it was just barely a C so can I please PLEASE PLEASE still play my video games?" and Mr. Wonderful, instead of enforcing our already-set-boundaries answered, "we will have to ask you mom" it makes me want to pull my damn hair out.

Now I'm the bad guy for following through with our rules and boundaries.

"Dad would have let me it's just YOU, YOU RUIN MY LIFE."

"I HATE YOU"

"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD"

"GO KILL YOURSELF"

"YOU'RE A BITCH"

It was the "bitch" comment that sent Mr. Wonderful on a dead sprint towards Knave.

Then Knave took a swing and it all went crazy.

I cried.

Like the hyperventilating, I can't catch my breath, cry. 

Now we are in the car, a cute little family traveling out of state to make magical Christmas memories.

I want to crawl in my bed.

-->

My heart is broken right now.

My Dailies

Lately I have felt foggy.

I think this is what trauma does. 

It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.

Pinocchio started therapy last week.  He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family.  It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own.  It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.

But this is what we do as parents right? 

I don't know actually. 

But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.

ONE STEP AT A TIME

Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies.  For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:

Dailies (examples)

- Personal: 

     Keep a Journal

     Repeat Daily Affirmations

     Personal Development - start a new hobby

                                         take a community education course 

                                         express creativity such as art and/or poetry

     Recovery Reading or Step-Work

- Physical:

     Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...

     Nutrition - plan meals

                     avoid junk food

     Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep

                                      limit TV time

- Spiritual:

     Prayer

     Meditation

     Scripture or Religious Reading

     Church Service

These are my dailies for the week... 

By the Betrayed

I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.

The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.

I want to protect the people whose names are involved.
It's not fair to them.

I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.

It broke my heart.

When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.

What do I do?

People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."

Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.

Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.

I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.

Anonymity

Illustration - Kelly Zac

I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.
That is when I decided to write.

Then, after going to the first ever Camp Scabs {back in 2013} and realized I wasn't alone.
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.
That is when I started this blog.

This anonymous blog.
Where Alice lives.

Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.

But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people {and when I say few I mean less than 3} who know about Alice and this blog.

I've noticed that these {less than three} people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it scares me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to spy read.

I think they feel happy when I feel sad.
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.

But I'm going to practice letting go of those {less than three} people.

I have been writing.  But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.

I'm owning this.
And I'm changing this.

Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general. 

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.

This is too familiar.

This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it. 

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier. 

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared. 

It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction.  Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life.  It's an exhausting thought isn't it? 

I lean into hope.  Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming.  It isn't always exhausting.  I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful.  But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.  

Why is it so easy to go backwards?  

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen.  But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side. 

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed. 

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials. 

{I see you up there seeing me!} 

One Step Closer

I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.  

As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward.  What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.

Gasp.
Gulp.

As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.

I am scared  terrified.

I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress.  Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.

I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful.  I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband.  I have figured it all out right?

Well, I did have it figured out...

But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.

I am in conflict with myself.  I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled.  But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.

I don't want to but I need to.  It's time.

I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.

And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers.  Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart.  But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...

Or be one step closer to being free.

Reflections

As cliche as it is, ringing in the new year always seems to spark some sort of reflecting for me. As I looked back over this last year, 2014, I realized a few things.

What has changed in me? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

A lot.

I have learned that being vulnerable is beautiful (and scary).  I have learned that I have the answers I need within me (and I am learning to trust those instincts).  I have learned that I have a support system (a tribe) like nothing I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am strong, I am strong enough to stay with Mr. Wonderful and strong enough to leave. I have learned that life is ever moving and changing and that I have to proactively work to stay healthy.

What has changed in my marriage?  As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

NOTHING.

And I was hit by a wall of hopelessness and sadness.  We turned on the television 3 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop in New York and, like any hit segment or series on television, there were sexy, skinny, skimpy girls dancing around on stage before midnight struck.  I found a wave of fear crash over me followed by the realization that this fear has been present in all my New Year Eve experiences for the last 7 years.

Unfortunately this feeling doesn't come just once a year, but it is STILL the primary feeling in my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Will this ever change?  Will the anxiety ever go away being replaced with a positive feeling?  Did the lies and addiction and deception and manipulations go on for too long to ever imagine being in a healthy marriage?

I don't know.

But I sure hope it's not too late because I'm really sick of having to work so hard to stay in this marriage.
To stay happy and healthy in this marriage.

I'm exhausted.
I want a partner. A friend. A safe spouse.

Happy New Years to you.  May you learn and grow in yourself AND your marriage.

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

It's Time

I have been super busy with a work project.  Having a big project has been the perfect excuse for me to hide from my marriage and hide from the reality that I have some pretty big decisions to make.

I am happy that this project is over.

and...

I am terrified that this project is over.

Here I go... wish me luck.

I can relate...

Let me touch on something I haven’t really talked about on this blog yet. 

My addiction. 

Yes, I hate and love and hate that I can relate to Mr. Wonderful and his sex addiction. 

I mostly hate it. 

And I mostly am so grateful for this knowledge.

Let me try to explain my bipolar emotions on the subject.... 

I can’t imagine how it would be to try to understand addiction without having my own experience with it, with my eating disorder.  I have heard, on more than many occasions, hurting wife’s plead with their husbands to “just stop”… “why can’t you JUST STOP?”… “don’t you love me? don’t you love our children?  don’t you love our family more than you love pornography or sex or your addiction?”  “Yes, yes I do love you and our children and our family more than I love my addiction!” the husband explains.  “Then why don’t you just STOP?” cries the wife. 

Well, lucky me (or is it unlucky me), I haven’t had to completely start at the beginning with the concept of the power of addiction.  So, although I have heard my own pleas at Mr. Wonderful to “just stop” I live in the reality that it isn’t that easy. 

If it was… I would have “just stopped” with my eating disorder behaviors and thoughts years ago.

I have lived with the pain of people judging my struggles.  I have lived with people pleading with me to “just stop”… “if you love your family, if you loved your kids, you would stop being so selfish and STOP… just eat, JUST EAT ALICE!” 

These pleas, these words never rang truer and louder in my head then when I was facing inpatient treatment with potentially months apart from my little family.  Believe me, no one was harder on me than myself.  “Oh Alice,” I would cry, “just eat… you can avoid this whole situation if you just eat… you are so selfish so unbelievably wrapped up in yourself, you are a bad mother, a terrible wife, an incredibly indecent HUMAN BEING, just eat.”…but I couldn’t, I was too far down the path to “just eat”.

Sounds ridiculous huh?  It’s okay, you can say it, I get it, it does sound ridiculous… but, I just couldn’t eat. 

So, I couldn’t think straight, I started randomly passing out, my liver started failing. 

And I had to leave my family.  I could have died.  I really had to leave my family, for 75 days. 

And it was so painful and so awful that I rarely let my mind go back to the day that I drove away with Mr. Wonderful.  I drove away from my home, I drove away from my children, leaving them lost and confused and too young to understand. 

Oh, this brings back so much pain. 

I’m going to take a time-out before proceeding with this post and where I was hoping to go with it.