Sometimes when people hear my story they say, "oh I would NEVER stay around if someone did that to me" or "I would NEVER forgive my husband if the treated me the way yours treated you." I think they mean well but sometimes it hurts my feelings or makes me feel a little insecure. At times Mr. Wonderful was borderline abusive to me. Maybe some wouldn't use the word borderline. I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship if they don't feel safe but I suppose I stayed in an abusive relationship that I didn't feel safe in. And yet, I am so grateful for Mr. Wonderful and where he and I am today. He's my best friend. My confidant. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have left, I was so close to leaving. In the end, I think everyone has a story and every story is different and everyone has the right to do what is best for them. Stay. Leave. It's all unique and there is no universal right or wrong answer for everyone. I'm so glad I stayed but I will support anyone who chooses to leave. I will also try not to say, "If I was in that person's situation I would do this or I would do that" because honestly, I don't know what I would do and it only hurts the people in those situations when I pretend like I do. Let's all love a little harder and judge a little less... especially ourselves.
I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.
After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.
This spoke to me today.
This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.
It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.
My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate everything about it. I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.
I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.
I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that. Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away". But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.
Choosing recovery is the first step. But choosing once didn't make it go away. I have to choose recovery...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard. And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.
It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction. Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life. It's an exhausting thought isn't it?
I lean into hope. Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming. It isn't always exhausting. I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful. But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.
Why is it so easy to go backwards?
I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture. Most of the time that big picture consists of meus having to suffer with Him by our side.
I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain. It has stretched me as a person. I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be. It pushes me. Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.
I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.
I never had to make the decision of whether or not to tell my family about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
Mr. Wonderful did that all on his own.
All himself.
I never had to make the decision of whether or not to tell Mr. Wonderful's family about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
Mr. Wonderful did that all on his own.
All himself.
And as lovely as Mr. Wonderful was when he was constantly in his addiction, he actually told my family about his addiction years before he told me. {but that's another story}
My point and question is, for those of you that had to make this decision... who {if anyone} did you tell? And how did you decide who to tell? How did you know? And how did you do it?
