My Deepest Apologies

Dear "PHYSICALLY" Beautiful Women {according to Mr. Wonderful},

I specify the "physical" importance because this letter is for you.

I am sorry.  I am sorry that I have felt threatened by you.  I am sorry that I let myself feel inadequate and worthless while I was standing next to Mr. Wonderful as he was noticing you.  I am sorry that I hated you and that I wish you would wear more clothes in order to make ME feel more safe and help HIM with is addiction.  I am sorry I objectified you as a way to protect myself from you.

I am so so sorry.

This is not my excuse.  This is my explanation.

Mr. Wonderful promised me his heart.  He promised me his everything.  He promised me that I would never have to worry about "other women".  But Mr. Wonderful lied.  Mr. Wonderful has a long history of wandering eyes.  The hardest thing about this "wandering eyes issue" is that he compares what he sees (you beautiful women) to what he has (me).

Without you even noticing us, you are innocently threatening my marriage.  And so I have found myself hating you.

This is not right.  I was wrong.  I promise over the past 8 years I have done the work and educated myself to see the truth of the situation.  It isn't your fault.  It was NEVER your fault.  Your body, your hair, your smile, your clothing has NOTHING to do with my husbands choices, or mine.

I am sorry.

I'm not perfect.  I still fear that Mr. Wonderful may eventually leave me for one of you, I still feel threatened and fearful sometimes when I see you, but I am working on it.

Please forgive me.  This trauma changed me.
Before D-Day, I never had these fears or thoughts.

***If this post offends you it's okay.  It offends me too.*** 

Sexualized World

"Eat Me - Drink Me - You'll be Happy"

Everything is so overly sexualized in this world.

It annoys me.

It annoys me to be out in public with Mr. Wonderful and all the sex symbols that surround society. The advertisements convincing me (and him) that if I look like this or that, if I wear this or that, if I eat (or don't eat) this or that, if I drink this or that... then and ONLY THEN will I be happy, will HE be happy.

When I am out in the world by myself I notice that, at times, I have to do self talk and use my tools to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

When I am out in the world with Mr. Wonderful I notice that, ALL of the time, I have to do self talk and I use up all my energy using every tool I've ever learned to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

Why is it like this?  Is it like this for any of you who have dealt with infidelity, porn addiction, sex addition, etc?

IT SUCKS! 

And I want it to STOP!

I would actually like to enjoy Mr. Wonderful and our time out on dates.  I would actually like date night to be the respite that it is suppose to be, not the exhausting work that it is now.

Stupid addiction.  Stupid betrayal.  Stupid lies.  Stupid overly sexualized world.

IT SUCKS!

Annoying Fly

So, the other day I was thinking… and I guess I was feeling too.

I was feeling bad about something that triggered me.  I was feeling bad for Mr. Wonderful.  I felt guilty that Mr. Wonderful had to "deal" with my unpredictable triggers and the unpredictable emotions that often accompanied those triggers.

Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get so sad.  Sometimes I'll down right cancel any plans right as we are walking out the door due to my inability to "handle" the real world while dealing with the trauma of betrayal.

I started apologizing to Mr. Wonderful for my inconsistencies when (in mid apology) I realized that what I had to "DEAL" with was so much bigger in comparison.  {Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in apologizing to anyone and everyone (even those that have hurt me beyond belief) when I have done something that merits an apology.}

While I was apologizing something clicked in my brain and before I had thought it through I said… "Mr. Wonderful, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with me when I experience random triggers and random emotions that come from all the hurt and pain of our relationship and our past."  He graciously accepted my apology, so I continued… "but the more I think about it, what I have to deal with compared to what you have to deal with is metaphorically like comparing the hassle of swatting an annoying fly to the hassle of shoveling the poo left by a dozen grown elephants.  I'll admit it, flies can be annoying, especially when you are trying to enjoy a picnic outside… but I think anyone would choose to swat a fly over the task of running around with a shovel that weighs 50 pounds scooping enormous piles of shit that seem to be the size of a 10 year old… what do you think?"

Then I walked away.

PS… I think I may start sharing my story soon!

Anxiety

Sometimes I just feel anxious. It's an unnerving feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. It's itchy and squirmy and ugh... it's annoying. It always seems worse when I am unable to figure out WHY I am feeling the anxiety that I am. What is the root or the cause of this anxiety? Oh how easy and convincible I can be when I am telling myself... it's not you, it's Mr. Wonderful. It's his choices and actions that have put you in a place to even recognize anxiety. It's the years of his dishonesty, the years of him sneaking around, the years of the facade of a WONDERFUL marriage that he let you believe with all your soul... and so, when you are simply sitting or driving or eating or visiting or running around and you feel anxiety, it's obviously his fault.

But, I'm afraid this isn't the truth... or not the entire truth I suppose. I have been dealing with the ups and downs of my husbands "sex addiction" since he openly told me all about it in July of 2007. It hasn't been easy. Scratch that... it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There has been hope followed by despair and pain. There has been laughters and tears. Fear and love and hate all rolled into the same hour or day or a week or a month. We have taken many steps forward and then even more back and then more forward and then less backwards... and so on.

I have a very valid excuse for the way I feel or the things I say out of fear or frustration or the ways I act when I am living a day to day life with a liar and a addict... and most people would probably say, "Mrs. Wonderful, don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot and you are still fighting, so give yourself a break." However, I am realizing that I may be hiding behind this very valid excuse. I may be blaming my husband or taking things out on him that he has nothing to really do with. I find that I will be angry and I will easily hide behind something he HAS done or something that HAS happened time and time again, but I think I'm tricking myself into believing that these reasons are really WHY I'm doing and feeling and acting the way I am when in reality, it has a lot more to do with me. But that is a lot harder to take in because it means it's time for me to push myself harder. And, to be honest, I'm sure that some percentage of what I'm going through is absolutely Mr. Wonderful's fault. I mean, my entire life has taken on a heavier feel and everything I do, EVERYTHING is harder and heavier... but where do I draw the line and accept that some of all of this is simply by being a victim to the choices made by the love of my life but some of it... and probable most of it, is mine.

Oh the difficulties of life. Life is hard. Life is hurtful. Life is confusing and messy and... hard. And I am trying which, ironically enough, makes it harder. But I am trying which also means, there is hope.

Alice