"Alice Where Have You Been?"

Where have I been?

I have been honored to be part of some projects on fighting pornography.  I have been interviewed for a book that is currently being written about the effects that pornography and sex addiction has on the spouse of an addict.  I have been asked to present on pornography and participated in firesides about body image and eating disorders.  I have felt so under qualified to work with so many amazing people who dedicate their lives to making this world a better place.

I have been fighting for my marriage.  I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition.  I have been fighting against myself to trust my husband... because it feels like it's time to take those steps but I am terrified to take those steps.

I have been raising 3 beautiful children.  Teaching them about all the scary things that exist in this world and all the wonderful things and all the things in-between.  I have watched as my oldest has ventured into the big world of Jr. High and my baby growing into a little lady.

But mostly, of all these things I've been doing and all these places I have been, I am recovering.

This year has been so difficult.

Specifically one incident involving my baby has been so difficult.  And, although it was one single incident, there were so many factors that enabled this incident.  So many neglectful and painful factors.  However, this isn't my story to tell, it is hers.  I am a part of her story but it isn't mine to share.

As for my part in her story, my recovery from what she went through...

I seem to remember all the details yet, at the same time, it has felt like a tornado with winds blowing me every which way.

How does time and trauma do that?  How can it seem so fast and violent and out of control and yet, time seems to move in slow motion so that I don't miss any of the painful details?

Time is so strange.
Life is so hard.

I had a friend ask me today, "Alice, where have you been?"

I have been everywhere.  Some places have been beautiful and hopeful and wonderful.  Some places have been ugly and hopeless and dark.  I have been up and down and everywhere in between but the one place I haven't been is here.  I didn't know how to be here without writing a story that wasn't mine to write so I took a break and waited until I was ready, and now I'm ready.

Now I am here.

Mother's Day Performance Spectacular

Mr. Wonderful is an amazing performer.  He puts together the most spectacular birthday celebrations, gifts and surprises. But his best holiday accomplishments seem to fall on Mother's Day.  What a day for me.  He makes it the best most relaxing day by taking care of our 3 beautiful children and just spoiling me.

I almost can't wait for tomorrow.

Mother's Day Performance of a Lifetime! 

Oh, before you get jealous of my wonderful performing husband… did I mention that he is sleeping on the couch?  Oh crap, now back to my reality I suppose… yes, Mr. Wonderful did a little confessing today that went a long with a tad bit of lying so… my marriage isn't fun or happy or blissful by any means…

but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy Mother's Day and the performance of a lifetime right?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF MY WARRIOR SISTERS AND WoPA's.

I LOVE YOU.

Do the Impossible Alice

Dear Mama Alice,

Listen, you can do this.  You have to do this, if not for you, for your kids.  Let me explain some of the things you learned about yourself and your situation this weekend at Camp Scabs:

You are really afraid to love yourself.  You are afraid to accept yourself.  But the funny thing is, you are ok.  You are alright.  You have problems.  You have faults.  You have weaknesses, but don’t give up because of these things.  Don’t believe that it’s all too much, because it’s not.  It’s hard.  It’s so painful.  It’s so scary.  But you are NOT broken.  It’s not hopeless.  This is NOT stronger than you.  It is true that you are a victim of some very hard things that aren’t your fault but don’t let these things take over.  

You can’t.  

Do you understand the magnitude of this?  It’s not just affecting you, it’s affecting those you love and cherish more than anything in this entire world… those three beautiful children.  And wouldn’t you do anything for them?  Wouldn’t you give up ANYTHING for them?  I believe you would.  I KNOW you would.

What you need to do now is be so brave for them.  You have to reach somewhere within yourself… somewhere that you have been very afraid to venture.  Alice, you need to be stronger for your kids... in fact, they need to see you be fearless.  You need to show them that you can do hard things, and the best way to show them this is to DO those hard things. 

You have to love yourself… if not for you then for them.  Be with them.  Have fun with them.  Jump, literally jump, in a swimming pool with them; or even better, the ocean.  Live, laugh and love (I know you hate that saying) but do it, and do it like you have never been wounded or betrayed.  

The world can be scary but it can also be exciting and adventurous and GOOD and HAPPY.  Find that… be brave… be fearless… and FIND IT!  Do it for your kids.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for Mr. Wonderful (yeah I said Mr. Wonderful) he is trying… and you know that he is.  He has a good heart with a problem.  He is strong and he’s really, really brave.  Maybe the first brave thing you can do is tell him just how brave and how strong you think he is… and maybe even cry… because that would be scary and vulnerable and real.

You can do this.  And whenever you think you can’t, think of those beautiful little children that adore you with all of their hearts. 

Oh, and one last thing, TALK to those kids about what is going on.  What I mean is, address the feelings in the home for what they are.  The kids feel it, they just do.  So don’t let them believe that it is something other than what it is, don't let them believe it has something to do with them… address it with them individually and all together.  Build a relationship with them.  Work to build their self-esteem and confidence.  Show them that you are brave and that you can have a relationship with their dad.  This is what will stay with them forever.  So, stop watching TV… stop needing so many breaks, because let's be honest, you don’t need to have that many breaks.  Be with your children, be brave… love them and be with them.  It’s impossible to have no regrets… but you can minimize those regrets by pushing through this.

You can do this.  DO IT!  You are strong.  Remember how strong you are.  

Just do it.  Just do it.

You are a great mother. 

Alice

This is a letter I wrote to myself last year at Camp Scabs.  I haven't read it since I wrote it and reading it tonight motivated me and scared me.  I was kinda harsh… but I was real.  I thought I would share it.  I don't want to bury it for another year again.  

Oh, and I haven't told Mr. Wonderful what I set out to tell him when I got home from camp.  

I think I just froze.

And then I forgot.  

But it's time to tell him.  

It's time.