Meet Knave of Hearts

I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction. 

Ironic Honesty

For so long I have begged for honesty.
No matter how cruel or painful or disgusting or impossible honesty seemed, I begged for it.

As honesty becomes more consistent for Mr. Wonderful it becomes less painful for me.
Currently it is a part of our lives and our marriage.

However, sometimes honesty stings me like the day I found out about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
It comes out of nowhere and rips my heart apart.

It is so random.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching a video that I am in.
The video was made public today and it is currently on an addiction recovery site.
It exposes Mr. Wonderful and his addiction.
He was more than supportive for me to participate... now that I think about it, he was more excited for me to participate than I was!

Anyway, back to my story.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching this vulnerable video and afterwards, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he was nervous about finding it and viewing it.

His answer...
An ex-girlfriend.

He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend would find the video and discover that he wasn't the perfect man he led her to believe that he was.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend may realize that what seemed like a teenage heartbreak, was actually a blessing as the man of her dreams was an addict in disguise.
He was concerned that this specific ex-girlfriend would express a sigh of relief when she realized that  by the Grace of God she was spared major heartbreak and betrayal from Mr. Wonderful.

I beg for honesty and Mr. Wonderful was honest.

And his honesty hurt like hell.

Reflections

As cliche as it is, ringing in the new year always seems to spark some sort of reflecting for me. As I looked back over this last year, 2014, I realized a few things.

What has changed in me? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

A lot.

I have learned that being vulnerable is beautiful (and scary).  I have learned that I have the answers I need within me (and I am learning to trust those instincts).  I have learned that I have a support system (a tribe) like nothing I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am strong, I am strong enough to stay with Mr. Wonderful and strong enough to leave. I have learned that life is ever moving and changing and that I have to proactively work to stay healthy.

What has changed in my marriage?  As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

NOTHING.

And I was hit by a wall of hopelessness and sadness.  We turned on the television 3 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop in New York and, like any hit segment or series on television, there were sexy, skinny, skimpy girls dancing around on stage before midnight struck.  I found a wave of fear crash over me followed by the realization that this fear has been present in all my New Year Eve experiences for the last 7 years.

Unfortunately this feeling doesn't come just once a year, but it is STILL the primary feeling in my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Will this ever change?  Will the anxiety ever go away being replaced with a positive feeling?  Did the lies and addiction and deception and manipulations go on for too long to ever imagine being in a healthy marriage?

I don't know.

But I sure hope it's not too late because I'm really sick of having to work so hard to stay in this marriage.
To stay happy and healthy in this marriage.

I'm exhausted.
I want a partner. A friend. A safe spouse.

Happy New Years to you.  May you learn and grow in yourself AND your marriage.

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

Alone

How is it possible to be in a room surrounded by wonderful people and feel completely alone?

How is it possible to be around other woman who have husbands with sex addictions and feel like no one understands you?  

Someone explain to me how this is even possible.

Because it's how I feel.

And I hate it.

Loneliness is an awful feeling.

An awful empty feeling.

And this makes me sad…

Alice trying to make sense of her new world

Do you sometimes wonder if life will ever feel "normal" again?  I do.
Although I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this curiosity…
I don't think it ever will.

I'm not saying that I can't be happy.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that it is impossible to ever find joy in my marriage.  I think I can.
I'm not saying that I can't heal.  I think I can.

However...

I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes in which I once did.
My eyes were innocent.  My eyes were bright and hopeful and happy and understanding and honest and forgiving.  My eyes saw the world as safe.  My eyes saw that people are worth loving... without reservations.  They saw risks as something worth taking.
I don't think I will ever be able to see this world through those eyes again.

And this makes me sad.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.
I gave my trust without effort.  My trust was faithful and loyal and true and eager and a gift that I felt most people deserved.  I felt that the world was mostly safe.  I felt that people were worthy of my trust... without reservations.  I felt that trusting was worth the risk.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust like I once did.

And this makes me sad.

I can't erase what Mr. Wonderful has done.  I can't erase the feelings of betrayal that often control my life.  I can't pretend that fear is an uncommon emotion for me, it's not, I feel it everyday.  I can't go back to the happy-go-lucky girl I was before there was Alice… before there was Mr. Wonderful…  before there was pornography, adult bookstores, secrets, strip clubs, deception, girls, sex, addiction, and lies that existed in my very marriage… in my very family.

And this makes me sad.

Things that once made me excited and happy seem to scare me and consume me with fear.  Things that I looked forward to like:  going to the beach, date night, Disney Land, temple trips with Mr. Wonderful, going to movies, watching TV, church, girlfriends hanging out at my house, intimacy, FHE, raising children, sex, communicating, family dinner and recently… the Superbowl…(to name a few) have gone from an effortlessly enjoyable activity to a rigorously all-consuming situation.  At times I have to exert all my energy just to get through these things that I once loved.

And this makes me sad.

I feel tainted.
I feel like the world is contaminated.
I feel like trusting anyone is unsafe.

And this makes me sad.

However…

I have hope.
I have hope that if I work on me, eventually one day, I will be able to enjoy all the things that I use to enjoy, without much effort…
even the Superbowl.

And this makes me happy.