Suicidal

Today the police came over... AGAIN.

This is the second time in 3 weeks.

Knave found out that he was kicked out of the only thing he is passionate about, the play Fiddler on the Roof, and he is so mad.

He deserves it.

He made a girl feel so uncomfortable that she didn't go to school today.

When I got the call from the vice principal I was in Utah for my cousins wedding.  I was surprised when he told me the things Knave was saying to this poor girl.  It was harassment.

It was sexual harassment.

I am embarrassed and hurt and confused and... this is not about me.

After Knave learned that they were taking him out of the play, he lost it.  He started yelling and cussing and throwing things.  He threw a chair at Mr. Wonderful.  Thank goodness the other 2 kids were outside.

Knave grabbed a knife and locked himself in his room.  He was threatening his own life.  I don't think he's brave enough to take his own life because he doesn't like pain but Mr. Wonderful was scared.

The police came.

The "crisis prevention" team came.

What do we do with him?  What options are there for us?  He is in therapy and group therapy.  He has a psychiatrist and he is on medication.  He is mentally ill... OCD or bipolar, we are still trying to figure this out.

WHAT DO WE DO???

We owe it to our other kids to create a safe place.  They deserve safety.

They are afraid of Knave.  They are afraid to be alone with him.  I don't blame them.  We never leave them alone with Knave.  They don't feel safe at home.

What do we do?

MAD-CRAZY

I am feeling {for lack of a better word} CRAZY.  

There isn't anything BIG going on with me but there are a lot of LITTLE things.

They add up.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with my life AND this world.

I feel like I am behind, always struggling to catch up to everyone else.

Or, maybe the truth is that I am always struggling to catch up to the expectations I have of myself.

My expectations are relentless and demanding. Unhealthy to say the least.

Regardless of the reasons, I am feeling a desperate need to breath, like my body can't get enough air and at any minute I may pass out.  The anxiety constantly reminding me of what I need to be doing, where I should be as a mother, what I need to look like as a wife, where I ought to be in my recovery as a spouse of an addict, and where I should be in my recovery with my eating disorder.

According to my expectations, I am failing at everything.

And I just can't seem to shake it.

One Step Closer

I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.  

As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward.  What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.

Gasp.
Gulp.

As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.

I am scared  terrified.

I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress.  Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.

I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful.  I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband.  I have figured it all out right?

Well, I did have it figured out...

But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.

I am in conflict with myself.  I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled.  But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.

I don't want to but I need to.  It's time.

I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.

And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers.  Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart.  But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...

Or be one step closer to being free.

Reflections

As cliche as it is, ringing in the new year always seems to spark some sort of reflecting for me. As I looked back over this last year, 2014, I realized a few things.

What has changed in me? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

A lot.

I have learned that being vulnerable is beautiful (and scary).  I have learned that I have the answers I need within me (and I am learning to trust those instincts).  I have learned that I have a support system (a tribe) like nothing I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am strong, I am strong enough to stay with Mr. Wonderful and strong enough to leave. I have learned that life is ever moving and changing and that I have to proactively work to stay healthy.

What has changed in my marriage?  As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

NOTHING.

And I was hit by a wall of hopelessness and sadness.  We turned on the television 3 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop in New York and, like any hit segment or series on television, there were sexy, skinny, skimpy girls dancing around on stage before midnight struck.  I found a wave of fear crash over me followed by the realization that this fear has been present in all my New Year Eve experiences for the last 7 years.

Unfortunately this feeling doesn't come just once a year, but it is STILL the primary feeling in my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Will this ever change?  Will the anxiety ever go away being replaced with a positive feeling?  Did the lies and addiction and deception and manipulations go on for too long to ever imagine being in a healthy marriage?

I don't know.

But I sure hope it's not too late because I'm really sick of having to work so hard to stay in this marriage.
To stay happy and healthy in this marriage.

I'm exhausted.
I want a partner. A friend. A safe spouse.

Happy New Years to you.  May you learn and grow in yourself AND your marriage.

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

Bothered

I have a difficult time trusting myself and my instincts.  After Mr. Wonderful dropped the mother bomb on my back in 2007 I have tried to stay grounded, I have tried to be insightful, I have tried to be sensitive to my feelings and emotions, I have tried to be in-tune.  However, I find it hard to know if the spirit is telling me something or if it's my fear or paranoia.  This has been a constant struggle for me and what's sad about it is that sometimes, Mr. Wonderful has used my doubt and capitalized on it.

The truth is, I had NO IDEA about Mr. Wonderful's addiction until he told me.  The truth is I had NO INTUITION about the secrets and lies.  The truth is I was the LAST to realize what my life REALLY was.

So, trusting myself doesn't come easy.

I doubt my thoughts, feelings, choices, boundaries, etc… so much.

With this said, the other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking… wait -- wait -- wait, first I should say that Mr. Wonderful is actively and proactively working his recovery.  He really started kicking things in gear 6 months ago.  I have seen actually changes that, before this last year, have only manifested in words, not deeds.  Mr. Wonderful truly is trying and fighting harder now than he ever has.  Okay, now I can go on…

The other night Mr. Wonderful and I were talking.  He was telling me about his progress.  He shared that he is still tempted to look at other women but 9 times out of 10 he pushes the thought away and doesn't give in to the temptation.  This bothered me.  This is where I need help from you guys reading this, if anyone is reading this… please, if you are reading this help me!  I told Mr. Wonderful that I don't feel that it is fair to me to have share a bed with a man who 1 time out of 10 gives in to a temptation of looking in a lustful way at another woman.

Okay, so is this too much?  Is my request or my expectations even reasonable?

I feel like the world says men are men, they are going to look.  Can they even help it?

Also, I don't know why this bothers me so bad.  My husband has been diagnosed with a "sex" addiction.  He attends SAA meetings.  On the invisible scale of sex and pornography Mr. Wonderful has ventured far FAR further than checking out girls every once in a while.  So why does this bother me so much?

It bothers me that it bothers me.

I hate that I feel like I'm being too hard on him.  When I look at it I wish I felt grateful.  I mean, I AM grateful that he's not at the strip clubs, I am happy that he isn't getting lap dances or flirting or talking sexual with those ladies.  I am grateful that he isn't visiting adult bookstores or spending our money on girls and sexual things… because he has done that, ALL that, before.

So, why am I so bothered by the 1 out of 10 girls thing?  On the invisible scale of what my husband has done from WAY awful to WAY great, shouldn't dismissing the temptation 9 out of 10 times be something I celebrate?

But I'm not celebrating.

And the last 2 nights, ever sense that talk that Mr. Wonderful and I had, I have been sleeping in my bed alone.  Mr. Wonderful is wondering if I intend to keep him out of my bed until he can promise me that he NEVER looks at another women again.

I told him that I'm not sure.

And I'm not.

***Please, please, PLEASE leave your comments or your input here.  This is one of those posts that I truly am asking for some insight***

Anxiety

Sometimes I just feel anxious. It's an unnerving feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. It's itchy and squirmy and ugh... it's annoying. It always seems worse when I am unable to figure out WHY I am feeling the anxiety that I am. What is the root or the cause of this anxiety? Oh how easy and convincible I can be when I am telling myself... it's not you, it's Mr. Wonderful. It's his choices and actions that have put you in a place to even recognize anxiety. It's the years of his dishonesty, the years of him sneaking around, the years of the facade of a WONDERFUL marriage that he let you believe with all your soul... and so, when you are simply sitting or driving or eating or visiting or running around and you feel anxiety, it's obviously his fault.

But, I'm afraid this isn't the truth... or not the entire truth I suppose. I have been dealing with the ups and downs of my husbands "sex addiction" since he openly told me all about it in July of 2007. It hasn't been easy. Scratch that... it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There has been hope followed by despair and pain. There has been laughters and tears. Fear and love and hate all rolled into the same hour or day or a week or a month. We have taken many steps forward and then even more back and then more forward and then less backwards... and so on.

I have a very valid excuse for the way I feel or the things I say out of fear or frustration or the ways I act when I am living a day to day life with a liar and a addict... and most people would probably say, "Mrs. Wonderful, don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot and you are still fighting, so give yourself a break." However, I am realizing that I may be hiding behind this very valid excuse. I may be blaming my husband or taking things out on him that he has nothing to really do with. I find that I will be angry and I will easily hide behind something he HAS done or something that HAS happened time and time again, but I think I'm tricking myself into believing that these reasons are really WHY I'm doing and feeling and acting the way I am when in reality, it has a lot more to do with me. But that is a lot harder to take in because it means it's time for me to push myself harder. And, to be honest, I'm sure that some percentage of what I'm going through is absolutely Mr. Wonderful's fault. I mean, my entire life has taken on a heavier feel and everything I do, EVERYTHING is harder and heavier... but where do I draw the line and accept that some of all of this is simply by being a victim to the choices made by the love of my life but some of it... and probable most of it, is mine.

Oh the difficulties of life. Life is hard. Life is hurtful. Life is confusing and messy and... hard. And I am trying which, ironically enough, makes it harder. But I am trying which also means, there is hope.

Alice