Please! Handle with Care.

Photo by Disney

I have a vulnerability hangover.  

Sharing about Knave feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.  

I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.  And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.  I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.  I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. 

Please handle with care.

By the Betrayed

I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.

The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.

I want to protect the people whose names are involved.
It's not fair to them.

I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.

It broke my heart.

When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.

What do I do?

People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."

Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.

Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.

I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.

See

I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.

I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the recovery, and the words.

I replaced the listening with watching.

What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening my eyes.

And guess what I've seen?

I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

I have worked on my personal healing as I have watched and experienced his personal recovery.

{which is not the same as sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}

I am scared.

Is it strange that this scares me?

Let me go back some years ago and try to explain.

For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his actions, and blaming me, than he was in REAL RECOVERY.  After years of living like this I decided that I couldn't... live like this, anymore. I was devastated but I was also convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, I wouldn't survive. I met with a divorce attorney {Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until a year later} and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce {because it wasn't a threat} and because I didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons {fear}.  Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about things that were important {kids, finances, health, schools, etc}. 

The process is long and the decisions are permanent.

And time passed.

I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my healing.

And time passed.

I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.

And as time passed... something happened.

Something changed.

I changed.
He changed.

Desires changed.

I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr. Wonderful.

And now {and for the last few years} he HAS been in REAL RECOVERY.

True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute. Legitimate Recovery.

You guys, he really has been.

I SEE it.

I FEEL it.

And it really scares me to put this out there in the universe.

But what comes next scares me even more...

I have known for months {more months than I care to admit} that it is time.

It is time for me to be physically intimate {SEX} with Mr. Wonderful again.

I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long.

When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed things up, and I did this {and more} for years. {6 years of unhealthy unattached sex... but who's counting?}

And guess what? It didn't work. {surprise, surprise!}

So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt {and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}.  I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful {a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't} but without even realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect had almost become extinct. 

It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.

But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically intimate {SEX}.

And guess what?

It is TIME!

Because I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

And I am scared.

But I am ready.

Because, I see that Mr. Wonderful sees me.

Spinning

My life feels like it's spinning out of control.

- Oldest child is out of control. Mean.

- I am feeling hardening towards Mr. Wonderful to protect myself from him.

- Togetherness 

- Middle child getting over looked. 

- I am hating my body.