it's not fair

Mr. Wonderful is a sex addict.  

I wanted to do everything in my power to give my kids the best chance they had at not being sex addicts.

So I asked.

I asked Mr. Wonderful what he thought would have helped him better as a child and a teenager.  I asked the professionals what the best things were to help my kids navigate their natural hormones, learn about healthy sexuality, and avoid pornography.  I asked the wives and moms of sex addicts what they thought the best avenues were when trying to talk and teach children.  I asked coaches and bishops and teachers and leaders.  I read books and articles and went to seminars and conferences on the topic.

I learned a lot.

And then came the part where I applied the things I learned. 

We took away the shame as we had/have open discussions about pornography and healthy sexuality.  We talk about natural hormones and what that feels like and what looks like.  We talk about respect and consent and accountability.  We read all of the books that were recommended to us with each child individually (Good Pictures Bad Pictures, 30Days of Sex Talks, Growing Up, etc... {all fabulous books by the way}).  We talked as a family and together set up internet and device filters to help prevent exposures.  We lovingly listen without reacting when our kids do come to us with problems and issues regarding pornography and sex {this one is so hard to do because inside I am SCREAMING in fear}.

WE DO EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT TO DO… and it doesn’t seem to be working.

I find myself feeling a little hopeless, maybe even victim-y.
  
One of my children are struggling with pornography.  Some may even say that he is addicted.  I think that he is addicted.  I can’t believe I am having to go through this as a mom after experiencing it as a wife.  

I just need to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a bit. 

It’s not fair.

Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general. 

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.

This is too familiar.

This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it. 

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier. 

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared. 

It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction.  Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life.  It's an exhausting thought isn't it? 

I lean into hope.  Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming.  It isn't always exhausting.  I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful.  But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.  

Why is it so easy to go backwards?  

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen.  But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side. 

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed. 

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials. 

{I see you up there seeing me!} 

Sexualized World

"Eat Me - Drink Me - You'll be Happy"

Everything is so overly sexualized in this world.

It annoys me.

It annoys me to be out in public with Mr. Wonderful and all the sex symbols that surround society. The advertisements convincing me (and him) that if I look like this or that, if I wear this or that, if I eat (or don't eat) this or that, if I drink this or that... then and ONLY THEN will I be happy, will HE be happy.

When I am out in the world by myself I notice that, at times, I have to do self talk and use my tools to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

When I am out in the world with Mr. Wonderful I notice that, ALL of the time, I have to do self talk and I use up all my energy using every tool I've ever learned to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

Why is it like this?  Is it like this for any of you who have dealt with infidelity, porn addiction, sex addition, etc?

IT SUCKS! 

And I want it to STOP!

I would actually like to enjoy Mr. Wonderful and our time out on dates.  I would actually like date night to be the respite that it is suppose to be, not the exhausting work that it is now.

Stupid addiction.  Stupid betrayal.  Stupid lies.  Stupid overly sexualized world.

IT SUCKS!

Unicorns and Rainbows

My Perception of My Marriage BEFORE “D-Day” 

"D-Day" stands for "Discovery Day" or "Disclosure Day" or "Day I want to DIE", etc...

Basically it's the day you realized that what you thought was real wasn't. 

Who you thought you could trust you couldn't.

It was the beginning of the longest and hardest journey of my life.

A journey I am still on.

A journey I will probably always be on.

But it's okay because the world of unicorns and rainbows was never real and I wouldn't have found true happiness there.

What lies ahead is more genuine, more authentic, more pure.

Although this journey is ugly and complicated and confusing and painful... the best lies ahead.

Or at least the best ME lies ahead. 

I can relate...

Let me touch on something I haven’t really talked about on this blog yet. 

My addiction. 

Yes, I hate and love and hate that I can relate to Mr. Wonderful and his sex addiction. 

I mostly hate it. 

And I mostly am so grateful for this knowledge.

Let me try to explain my bipolar emotions on the subject.... 

I can’t imagine how it would be to try to understand addiction without having my own experience with it, with my eating disorder.  I have heard, on more than many occasions, hurting wife’s plead with their husbands to “just stop”… “why can’t you JUST STOP?”… “don’t you love me? don’t you love our children?  don’t you love our family more than you love pornography or sex or your addiction?”  “Yes, yes I do love you and our children and our family more than I love my addiction!” the husband explains.  “Then why don’t you just STOP?” cries the wife. 

Well, lucky me (or is it unlucky me), I haven’t had to completely start at the beginning with the concept of the power of addiction.  So, although I have heard my own pleas at Mr. Wonderful to “just stop” I live in the reality that it isn’t that easy. 

If it was… I would have “just stopped” with my eating disorder behaviors and thoughts years ago.

I have lived with the pain of people judging my struggles.  I have lived with people pleading with me to “just stop”… “if you love your family, if you loved your kids, you would stop being so selfish and STOP… just eat, JUST EAT ALICE!” 

These pleas, these words never rang truer and louder in my head then when I was facing inpatient treatment with potentially months apart from my little family.  Believe me, no one was harder on me than myself.  “Oh Alice,” I would cry, “just eat… you can avoid this whole situation if you just eat… you are so selfish so unbelievably wrapped up in yourself, you are a bad mother, a terrible wife, an incredibly indecent HUMAN BEING, just eat.”…but I couldn’t, I was too far down the path to “just eat”.

Sounds ridiculous huh?  It’s okay, you can say it, I get it, it does sound ridiculous… but, I just couldn’t eat. 

So, I couldn’t think straight, I started randomly passing out, my liver started failing. 

And I had to leave my family.  I could have died.  I really had to leave my family, for 75 days. 

And it was so painful and so awful that I rarely let my mind go back to the day that I drove away with Mr. Wonderful.  I drove away from my home, I drove away from my children, leaving them lost and confused and too young to understand. 

Oh, this brings back so much pain. 

I’m going to take a time-out before proceeding with this post and where I was hoping to go with it.