Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

Stay or Leave

Sometimes when people hear my story they say, "oh I would NEVER stay around if someone did that to me" or "I would NEVER forgive my husband if the treated me the way yours treated you."  

I think they mean well but sometimes it hurts my feelings or makes me feel a little insecure.  

At times Mr. Wonderful was borderline abusive to me.
Maybe some wouldn't use the word borderline.

I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship if they don't feel safe but I suppose I stayed in an abusive relationship that I didn't feel safe in.  

And yet, I am so grateful for Mr. Wonderful and where he and I am today.  

He's my best friend.
My confidant.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have left, I was so close to leaving.

In the end, I think everyone has a story and every story is different and everyone has the right to do what is best for them.  
Stay.  
Leave.  
It's all unique and there is no universal right or wrong answer for everyone.  

I'm so glad I stayed but I will support anyone who chooses to leave. 

I will also try not to say, "If I was in that person's situation I would do this or I would do that" because honestly, I don't know what I would do and it only hurts the people in those situations when I pretend like I do. 

Let's all love a little harder and judge a little less... especially ourselves.  

15th Anniversary

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

Fifteen years ago I couldn’t have imagined what my marriage would endure, what I would endure, and what Jon would endure. If I would have been able to sneak a glimpse of what the years ahead had in store for me I would have been so scared and so doubtful in my ability to work through the hardships that I probably would have ran away and never looked back.

But… I’m really glad I didn’t. 

I am really, really glad I didn’t. 

I wonder what I will say about things 15 years from now! 

Marriage is hard, it just is. My marriage, over the last 15 years, has involved compromise and stubbornness, communication and separation, patience and frustration, hurt and pain and so much healing, hope and hopelessness, love and hate, pride and humility, anger and sadness, fear and safety, lies and honesty, judgement, forgiveness, frustration, and charity.  

Over the last 15 years our marriage has seen many dark days. We spent years fighting WITH each other while fighting FOR each other. There was a period of time when neither of us thought we could withstand the damages done in our marriage and we almost walked away. 

But somehow, with the Grace of God, things started changing and we are still here. 

See

I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.

I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the recovery, and the words.

I replaced the listening with watching.

What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening my eyes.

And guess what I've seen?

I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

I have worked on my personal healing as I have watched and experienced his personal recovery.

{which is not the same as sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}

I am scared.

Is it strange that this scares me?

Let me go back some years ago and try to explain.

For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his actions, and blaming me, than he was in REAL RECOVERY.  After years of living like this I decided that I couldn't... live like this, anymore. I was devastated but I was also convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, I wouldn't survive. I met with a divorce attorney {Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until a year later} and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce {because it wasn't a threat} and because I didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons {fear}.  Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about things that were important {kids, finances, health, schools, etc}. 

The process is long and the decisions are permanent.

And time passed.

I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my healing.

And time passed.

I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.

And as time passed... something happened.

Something changed.

I changed.
He changed.

Desires changed.

I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr. Wonderful.

And now {and for the last few years} he HAS been in REAL RECOVERY.

True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute. Legitimate Recovery.

You guys, he really has been.

I SEE it.

I FEEL it.

And it really scares me to put this out there in the universe.

But what comes next scares me even more...

I have known for months {more months than I care to admit} that it is time.

It is time for me to be physically intimate {SEX} with Mr. Wonderful again.

I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long.

When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed things up, and I did this {and more} for years. {6 years of unhealthy unattached sex... but who's counting?}

And guess what? It didn't work. {surprise, surprise!}

So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt {and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}.  I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful {a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't} but without even realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect had almost become extinct. 

It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.

But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically intimate {SEX}.

And guess what?

It is TIME!

Because I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

And I am scared.

But I am ready.

Because, I see that Mr. Wonderful sees me.

Alone in a Marriage

I don't think my husband will ever feel like he is lucky to have me as his wife. 

I don't think he will ever not think he could have done better.

And I get to live with that. But I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to let that be his thing because I feel like part of me beats the hell out of myself for not being enough for him.

This is so hard for me to talk about and it scares me. That's why I'm typing it.

Things with Mr. Wonderful aren't getting better in our marriage. I still see him manipulating me and stretching the truth whether that is through minimizing or exaggerating. He loses  his perspective quickly and will retaliate with pride. He can't admit he is wrong or when he does, he doesn't mean it. I don't feel supported by him in this relationship and I never have. I don't feel like he really wants me to be the best person I can be. He doesn't stand by me and help me grow in a living way, rather he judges me and gets scared when he notices any personal progress I make.

My husband is wonderful at many things. Being a husband isn't one of these things.

Valentines in Wonderland

Valentine's Day today was great. Mr. Wonderful is triggered by everything. 

Last night we watched “The Heart of the Matter" and this morning he confessed to being triggered. 

I am grateful for his transparency but I'm also exhausted with this life. 

I just feel like nothing is ever going to be completely safe.

One Step Closer

I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.  

As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward.  What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.

Gasp.
Gulp.

As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.

I am scared  terrified.

I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress.  Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.

I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful.  I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband.  I have figured it all out right?

Well, I did have it figured out...

But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.

I am in conflict with myself.  I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled.  But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.

I don't want to but I need to.  It's time.

I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.

And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers.  Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart.  But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...

Or be one step closer to being free.

Reflections

As cliche as it is, ringing in the new year always seems to spark some sort of reflecting for me. As I looked back over this last year, 2014, I realized a few things.

What has changed in me? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

A lot.

I have learned that being vulnerable is beautiful (and scary).  I have learned that I have the answers I need within me (and I am learning to trust those instincts).  I have learned that I have a support system (a tribe) like nothing I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am strong, I am strong enough to stay with Mr. Wonderful and strong enough to leave. I have learned that life is ever moving and changing and that I have to proactively work to stay healthy.

What has changed in my marriage?  As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.

NOTHING.

And I was hit by a wall of hopelessness and sadness.  We turned on the television 3 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop in New York and, like any hit segment or series on television, there were sexy, skinny, skimpy girls dancing around on stage before midnight struck.  I found a wave of fear crash over me followed by the realization that this fear has been present in all my New Year Eve experiences for the last 7 years.

Unfortunately this feeling doesn't come just once a year, but it is STILL the primary feeling in my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Will this ever change?  Will the anxiety ever go away being replaced with a positive feeling?  Did the lies and addiction and deception and manipulations go on for too long to ever imagine being in a healthy marriage?

I don't know.

But I sure hope it's not too late because I'm really sick of having to work so hard to stay in this marriage.
To stay happy and healthy in this marriage.

I'm exhausted.
I want a partner. A friend. A safe spouse.

Happy New Years to you.  May you learn and grow in yourself AND your marriage.

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

engulfed

Today I 

am: 

         Exhausted 
         Defeated
         Hopeless
         Hurting
         Confused 
         Sad
         Angry
         Lonely 
         Ugly
         Empty 
         Scared

                          

Today I am engulfed in WONDERLAND. 

                                                              Today I am just going to survive... or try to. 

Entering Wonderland 'Part One'

It was 119 degrees and I remember laughing, literally laughing, at how hot it felt outside.  It was July 4^th, 2007 and it was our first summer in the blazing heat of Arizona.  My family (Mr. Wonderful, our 2 boys, and I) had been in this new and exciting place for a short 5 months.

When Mr. Wonderful was offered a promising job in Arizona I was excited.  I was ready and fearless and confident and ambitiously ready to take on the world.  And so, we moved. 

It was the first time Mr. Wonderful and I weren’t living within 5 miles of at least 20 of our relatives; his parents, my parents, his siblings, my siblings, my grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles, etc.  But we were thriving in our new life.  We loved our neighborhood.  We loved our ward.  We loved the people we were meeting and the friends we were making.  I loved how strong our marriage was growing because, for the first time, we were forced to rely on each other completely.  We were communicating with ease and supporting each other in ways our extended family normally would.  We were each other’s everything… and more. 

I was happy.  I loved the sunshine.  I felt like, not only was it 119 degrees outside in July, while my little family sat on the asphalt waiting for the fireworks to start, but it also felt like it was 119 degrees inside my own heart and soul.  I was just.that.happy.

When the doorbell rang in the evening of July 5, 2007 I answered it without a thought.  The kids were in bed, the dishes were done, the evening had arrived and I wondered who was stopping by for a visit.  When I opened the door a familiar face in a suit stood on my front porch.  I struggled trying to remember exactly who this man was.  I knew he was a member of my bishopric, but I wasn’t sure if he actually was my bishop!  In an attempt to hide my confusion from him, I smiled curiously.  I remember thinking it felt a bit strange when he pushed his way through my front door without me announcing that my husband was home first (normally, in my church, a man won’t barge in {or even enter} a home without first knowing that another man is home).  Just as I was thinking how strange this was, Mr. Wonderful bounced around the corner welcoming our BISHOP into our home.

“Hello bishop” I said, in a way that would make anyone believe that all along I knew he was my bishop.  The bishop shook my hand nervously and took a seat in our big blue chair.  I joined as Mr. Wonderful awkwardly sat on our couch…

…and here is where my life changed forever.

…and here is where things get very blurry.

How Do I Do This Again?

Okay, can someone help me out here?  I want to be a working partner in my marriage, meaning; I don't want to give up the fight, or give up the hope... I want to be IN this marriage.  However, I'm having a very hard time understanding how to do just this AND, at the same time, feel SAFE.

It seems that in order to feel safe in my marriage I have to detatch from Mr. Wonderful because, at this point, I am still hurt by his lustful desires to be with other woman.  It hurts me so much even though, I can tell, he is discouraged by his lustful desires.  Mr. Wonderful would snap his fingers, if he could, and make ALL of this MESS go away, but he can't.  And, although I realize that he is not proud of his sex addiction and all the pain, confusion, hurt, heartache and more, it causes, it still HURTS me.

Why?

Why does it still hurt me so much?

Does it ever get easier?  I mean, I have been at this (knowingly) with Mr. Wonderful for almost 6 years.  When does the pain subside?  When do I get my feet planted firmly enough on the ground that I just shrug and FEEL (not just say) this is your problem, not mine?

So, back to my question, if I want to be a "working" member of my marriage, but I also want to feel safe... HOW DO I DO IT?  Is it even possible?  Or, do I have to choose?

Choice #1:  Work on trusting Mr. Wonderful, work on loving him, work on being in the marriage, work on forgiving him but, as a result of your efforts and your desires, you will always be vulnerable to heartache and pain from the choices he makes.

Choice #2:  Detach.  Become your own self.  Become someone that doesn't care what he lusts after or what he "wishes he had".  Remove yourself from him giving him NO POWER to hurt you by his lame-ness (yes, that is the word that came to me here).  Stay in the marriage, raise your 3 beautiful children together, but become cold toward the marriage in order to save yourself from heartache and pain.

Wow... 2 wonderful choices... it's so hard to decide with options like these!  Sometimes I feel like I really am Alice, with all the choices to make but for no specific reason.  Do I grow here or shrink?  Do I have a tea party or follow the white rabbit?  Do I love my husband fiercely or carefully?  Do I love him at all?  Do I work on shutting off and becoming the Ice Queen so I can't be hurt?  What am I doing here anyway?

Life... why can't you slow down?

On a seperate note, I really need to work on my relationship with God.  I seem to have stopped trusting him and his plan when my world came tumbling down on DD1 and ever since then, all the other DD's following, I have just become less trusting of everyone and anyone, including Heavenly Father.

Alice