Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL

I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.

I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.

I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.

It is as though OCD has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL.
And it's a bitch.

Prisoner

I feel like a prisoner. 

Even though I have older children, I can't leave them alone... not with Knave.

Not only do I fear that he will find a way to access pornography in our home {regardless of  having every filtering software known to man} but Knave has OCD and it seems to get more severe the older he gets.

He can often {very often} get stuck in his thought process and stuck in his ways.  If anyone upsets his expectations of how things are suppose to go {according to him} he can lose his temper and rage.  Recently he has shown aggression when he has these rages so I worry about leaving my other kids alone with him.

I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

I suppose I remember feeling like this when Mr. Wonderful was acting out in his addiction.  When he was lying and sneaking and minimizing and gaslighting.  I felt like a prisoner in my marriage and therefore in my life.

But with Mr. Wonderful it felt like an emotional prison.

With Knave it feels like a physical prison.

Both of them are awful.

I am working on solutions to remedy this situation because I don't want to resent my son.

Any suggestions?