if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

Do the Impossible Alice

Dear Mama Alice,

Listen, you can do this.  You have to do this, if not for you, for your kids.  Let me explain some of the things you learned about yourself and your situation this weekend at Camp Scabs:

You are really afraid to love yourself.  You are afraid to accept yourself.  But the funny thing is, you are ok.  You are alright.  You have problems.  You have faults.  You have weaknesses, but don’t give up because of these things.  Don’t believe that it’s all too much, because it’s not.  It’s hard.  It’s so painful.  It’s so scary.  But you are NOT broken.  It’s not hopeless.  This is NOT stronger than you.  It is true that you are a victim of some very hard things that aren’t your fault but don’t let these things take over.  

You can’t.  

Do you understand the magnitude of this?  It’s not just affecting you, it’s affecting those you love and cherish more than anything in this entire world… those three beautiful children.  And wouldn’t you do anything for them?  Wouldn’t you give up ANYTHING for them?  I believe you would.  I KNOW you would.

What you need to do now is be so brave for them.  You have to reach somewhere within yourself… somewhere that you have been very afraid to venture.  Alice, you need to be stronger for your kids... in fact, they need to see you be fearless.  You need to show them that you can do hard things, and the best way to show them this is to DO those hard things. 

You have to love yourself… if not for you then for them.  Be with them.  Have fun with them.  Jump, literally jump, in a swimming pool with them; or even better, the ocean.  Live, laugh and love (I know you hate that saying) but do it, and do it like you have never been wounded or betrayed.  

The world can be scary but it can also be exciting and adventurous and GOOD and HAPPY.  Find that… be brave… be fearless… and FIND IT!  Do it for your kids.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for Mr. Wonderful (yeah I said Mr. Wonderful) he is trying… and you know that he is.  He has a good heart with a problem.  He is strong and he’s really, really brave.  Maybe the first brave thing you can do is tell him just how brave and how strong you think he is… and maybe even cry… because that would be scary and vulnerable and real.

You can do this.  And whenever you think you can’t, think of those beautiful little children that adore you with all of their hearts. 

Oh, and one last thing, TALK to those kids about what is going on.  What I mean is, address the feelings in the home for what they are.  The kids feel it, they just do.  So don’t let them believe that it is something other than what it is, don't let them believe it has something to do with them… address it with them individually and all together.  Build a relationship with them.  Work to build their self-esteem and confidence.  Show them that you are brave and that you can have a relationship with their dad.  This is what will stay with them forever.  So, stop watching TV… stop needing so many breaks, because let's be honest, you don’t need to have that many breaks.  Be with your children, be brave… love them and be with them.  It’s impossible to have no regrets… but you can minimize those regrets by pushing through this.

You can do this.  DO IT!  You are strong.  Remember how strong you are.  

Just do it.  Just do it.

You are a great mother. 

Alice

This is a letter I wrote to myself last year at Camp Scabs.  I haven't read it since I wrote it and reading it tonight motivated me and scared me.  I was kinda harsh… but I was real.  I thought I would share it.  I don't want to bury it for another year again.  

Oh, and I haven't told Mr. Wonderful what I set out to tell him when I got home from camp.  

I think I just froze.

And then I forgot.  

But it's time to tell him.  

It's time.

My Two Lives

Quote from Alice in Wonderland

Who decides what is socially acceptable? I am no expert but from my view, I'm not a fan of what I see (keep in mind, that "my view" changes day by day so tomorrow I may feel differently). Okay, so from my view and given the experiences that I have gone through, as well as learning from my "two lives" in which I am calling my "Utah life" and my "Arizona life", this is how I see it.

In Utah I was perfect... or at least that was the identity I clung to or more accurately, the facade I clung to. I simply did everything by the book... you know what book I'm talking about, it's the big fat book called "People Pleasing" or "Conforming to What is Socially Right" or "People's Expectations: Meet Them at All Costs" also known as "Selling Your Soul to the Devil"... okay that last one may be a bit dramatic! Anyway, while living in my Utah life I didn't get to know myself, I didn't have enough courage to get to know myself. It was a lot easier for me to assess the situation and then perform. I was a great kid, my mom said I was the easiest baby and as a toddler I walked early, I talked early, and did everything I was asked. My mom shares with me stories about when I young, around 18 months, and I would be playing quietly with other kids during a play-date when she would call me over to where all the other mothers were sitting and ask "Alice, will you sing a song for us?" and politely I would sing a song... and get praise for it, I'm sure. As a teenager I was fun and energetic and talented. I wasn't a 4.0 student, I got 3.7's. I was always home by curfew, I wasn't boy crazy (my dads favorite thing), I was honest, happy, engaged, social... you know, perfect. I would diligently look for cues from my peers, my coaches, my parents, my sisters, my teammates, my teachers, and so many others (even the opinions of mere acquaintances matters you know!). I would be hard on myself when I failed and I would cautiously celebrate when I succeeded. I didn't know myself at all... not even what my favorite ice cream flavor was. But the rewards, oh the rewards of being perfect... I had friends, and lots of them. I was invited to everything: girls night out, date nights, the gym, play-dates with my kids, vacations, showers, luncheons, birthday parties, weddings, activities, and so much more. Oh and the trust that people gave me, it was exciting and flattering and fulfilling... a kind of fulfillment that would last, well, about 15 minutes. I was always the team captain or the president of my church class or leader or confidante. People sought my advice and listened as if I were a professional of some sort. It was wonderful and instantly rewarding and undoubtedly out weighed the idea or thought to step away and risk losing it all to find ME, and actually, to be honest, I thought that's who I was.

Then I moved away, away from family, friends, and streets with numbers; away from mountains and snow and security. At first I was living my Utah life in Arizona, you see my "Utah life" doesn't only exist in Utah. I didn't need a fresh start and frankly I didn't want one. In fact, I was intimidated at the thought that no one knew anything about my past. I was proud of my past, my past was proof, maybe even a resume, of how strong and perfect I was. I continued on being the only person I knew how to be, the "Utah Girl". I threw myself into my knew life and, as pattern would show, I had friends and neighbors who were eager to meet me and I was invited to all the baby showers and birthday celebrations and holiday parties and luncheons and campout and vacations and girls nights out. I was strong and resilient and determined to keep going the way I did in my Utah life. But then tragedy struck, and I mean real traumatic tragedy, and things got REALLY HARD. I went through (and am still going through) the single hardest experience and trial that I have ever been so privileged (insert sarcasm here) to go through. So I had to search, I had to take all of my energy and search. I searched for truth and guidance. I searched for help and security. Most of the time I didn't like what I found because it was raw, it was hard, and no matter how much I searched through that big fat book, the answer wasn't there. There were no cues or explanations. I didn't have it in me anymore to be perfect. All my time and thoughts and energy were dedicated to my wellbeing and my family. I became less social at first, and then practically anti-social. My trial wasn't appropriate to share with others so I had very few people to rely on for help. I forgot how to laugh and share and "hang out". My awkwardness was apparent so I stopped getting invited. In defense of my new social group, they didn't know or understand that I was going through something that was so much bigger than I was capable of handling. They didn't understand why I was so awkward and sad... and they had only known me for about 6 months so my roots weren't deep enough... but isn't that the reason we all aspire to have friends? So we have people we not only can have fun with, but also trust, or at least know that they trust us enough that if things are "off" or awkward it's okay? Does everyone deserve an explanation to why things have changed a little, or a lot? Is it my job to keep people comfortable when I am going through so much turmoil? I believe the word I'm looking for is "U.N.C.O.N.D.I.T.I.O.N.A.L" it is a very overly used word in my church, yet it is not understood by most. In all actuality, I don't know if the outcome of my social transition really had anything to do with my physical location or who I was surrounded by.

I guess trials, regardless of nature verses nurture, inevitably change us. I believe that sometimes little characteristics change in us and other times the very core inside of us changes. For someone that wasn't even sure what her very core consisted of to begin with... well lets just say, I changed... a lot. I'm not even sure if I have changed for the better but I know I'm far from perfect, well I was always far from perfect so I should say that… I'm far from pretending that I'm perfect. I am not very social anymore and I don't try to be. Most people tend to bug me. So many people around me seem shallow and selfish and... well perfect, like the old me. I feel judged by many neighbors and friends and, ironically enough, I feel judged and frowned upon by those of my same faith and even ward. Most likely, if I'm looking at things in a healthy way, it is the awkwardness and fear I feel or maybe it's the temptation I have to simply conform again. I know I could rebound and be back in the "social circle" again but I also know I don't want to do what, in my opinion, it would take for me to get there. And for what... social status? Recognition? Titles? Regardless, I have a new view, a different angel or perspective. I don't know which view I prefer, which view is more warming and welcoming and stunning, it's just a different view. Unfortunately, as I'm writing this entry I feel hurt and lonely, maybe even a little bit rejected. There was a "girls luncheon" today and I wasn't on the "texting invite list", you know, that list that has the top 60 women in your neighborhood on it! There was also a luncheon last month that I got wind of afterwards that I wasn't invited to. And then there was that party at a house down the street hosted by some friends of mine... that I see... almost everyday and Mr. Wonderful and I weren't invited to it. Maybe I should recognize these "non-invites" as a trophy of my "non-conformance". Maybe I should see it as a milestone in my life... and actually, I think I do, most of the time... but not today, today I feel sad and scared and vulnerable... I wish I didn't care, or I wish I was angry but nope, I'm sad.

So what is the lesson to all this rambling of mine? Maybe the lesson is a terrible lesson... maybe the lesson is: If you don't conform and change who you are by assessing and reacting and putting forth the effort to stay on top of all the latest news and pregnancies and birthdays and gossip, if you don't do ALL of that, then you simply get what you deserve, a seat on the outside looking in, the ultimate loneliness. Or maybe I haven't seen the full cycle of this lesson yet, maybe the lesson is: Be true to yourself and you will, EVENTUALLY, attract those people towards you that knew you in the pre-mortal existence. Maybe you will attract people that matter and that can help you and teach you and relate to you. Maybe, just maybe, things will be okay, because they will. They will.

Now I'm going to go snack on my favorite ice cream (and by the way, it's Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter!).

Alice