By the Betrayed

I am sitting down and writing. I'm not sure how this will all come out in words on my computer screen but I am going to let my mind empty and my fingers fly.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me and expressed to me some concerns she had. She was involved in a conversation when the topic somehow turned to me. She said she felt guilty for sitting there, listening, not saying anything about the fact that I wasn't there and they probably shouldn't be speaking about me. I appreciated her call. It would have been so much easier for her to say nothing to me and, most likely, I would have never found out.

The problem is, the things that were discussed were very personal and very intimate and not just only about me, but about my family. I shared these things a couple of years ago seeking help and support and I was very careful with whom I shared with. So, when this friend told me that these things were discussed I was so hurt and scared and shocked.

I want to protect the people whose names are involved.
It's not fair to them.

I reached out to one family member and told him what had happened. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that this would be the end of his story being spread. He said he understood but he seemed weary.

It broke my heart.

When this all happened a couple of years ago, this person encouraged me to reach out to others but he trusted that I would reach out to those who would honor him and his part in my trauma.

What do I do?

People will say to me, "Alice, you need to work on trusting people. I know you were hurt and betrayed but you can't let that ruin how you move forward in relationships."

Being betrayed by someone who understands betrayal is confusing.

Having trust broken by someone who understands how fragile and delicate trust is after a broken heart is devastating.

I need to remember that I carry many secrets and sacred stories of others lives in my heart. I need to remember that these lives aren't topics to be carelessly discussed with others. These stories are our lives, the lives of our loved ones, our most vulnerable selves.

Burn Baby Burn

It’s hard to believe that it has been a year and a half since my first experience reaching out to others like me… other WoPA’s (Wife of Porn Addict).  I feel like I am such a different person than I was a year and a half ago. 

I’m braver.

I’m stronger. 

Tonight is my first night back at Camp Scabs and it was pretty wonderful.  We congregated together as a new group of friends.  I’m sure most of the WoPA’s here don’t quite realize what close friends we will all be by the end of this weekend. 

After dinner we did quick introductions and headed out to our campfire where we “burnt shit”.

I was surprised at how much pain was expressed at the burning of all our personal triggers, pain, current hell, past hell and more.  Sometimes I am still shocked at the power and pain that this addiction has on us, the wives.  Sometimes I wish the addicts could see what we go through, the pain that their choices cause these beautiful, smart, funny, amazing woman.  These women are so eager and willing to give their entire hearts to their husbands, they want their marriages to succeed, they pray for it and hope with all their hope that their husbands will fight.  But I see the fear and pain and doubt in their eyes.  I hear the exhaustion in their stories.

Tonight we burned our shit. 

Tonight I burned my lingerie, the lingerie that I can’t ever wear again because of the pain it causes me. 

I loved it. 

I felt so alive and free and empowered. 

I only wish that it was this simple in “real” life.  Just throwing everything in a fire and watching it burn into ashes and turn into a pile of nothing.  Then simply wash my hands and walk away.

Unfortunately, for all of us, it is simply not that simple.

I love these women so much already.  My heart hurts for them and wants them to find peace and happiness. 

My fear is that it just doesn’t exist. 

Prayers

We are telling the kids tomorrow.  If you pray please pray for their little innocent hearts.  Please pray that they will have peace and feel safe and that angels will surround them as their world shakes.

And please pray for Mr. Wonderful and I to feel and listen to the spirit of our loving Father.

"Who Are You?"

It is not my job to understand you.

It is not my job to approve of you.

It is my job to accept you.

It is my job to love you.

And I do.

-Alice

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People