Dear Mr. Wonderful

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I need to start jogging again so you think I'm in the category of all the "other girls" that you find sexy and attractive. That distract your eyes and heart and take over your penis.  

All of those "other" girls.  

The skinny, tan, young, blonde, brunette, red, blue, purple women that seem to be more than me. All the pornstars that you think are unbelievable, all the strippers that I can never be, all the bodies you've touched and dreamed of touching that aren't mine.  The random neighbors, random grocery store workers, hair stylists, the wives of your friends, etc… 

The list never ends. 

I feel like such a failure around you because of all of this. I feel like a waste of space, like I'm worth NOTHING.

It's suffocating.
It's debilitating. 

You make me feel like a mistake. Like the world is better off without me. 

And sometimes I actually believe this.
Today is one of those days.

I never would have guessed.

Thirteen years ago I never would have guessed that I would be where I am... thirteen years later.

Thirteen years ago on August 14th, 2001 I was at my wedding dinner celebration.
It was at a beautiful golf course.
We were with our family and closest friends.
We were getting married the next day.
It was a happy celebration.
I wrote and sang Mr. Wonderful a song.

Thirteen years later, on August 14, 2014 I was meeting with an attorney.
It was at a friends house.
I wasn't with any family.
We discussed the possibility of divorce and what that may look like.
I was so sad and confused.
I came home and cried myself to sleep.

I never would have guessed.