Someone Else...

Can someone else please tell me what to do?  I will do anything ANYTHING you tell me to do if it will make this madness go away, this heavy fog lift, this spinning and swirling stop.  Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. 

JUST. TELL. ME.

Alice in Wonderland

But, no matter how much I beg and cry and kick and scream, no one has my answers, no one can fix me, no one can fix my husband or my situation or my marriage.  No one can erase all the lies and deception and betrayal of the past and replace it with truth and happiness and fields of flowers for me to run through all day long.  I want someone to tell me if I should divorce or stay married.  I want someone to tell me if this is all for the better of me AND my children and if so, yeah, I'll stay.  I want someone to measure the damage that has been done and will be done to my children because their home doesn't feel safe.  I want someone to know and tell me if this damage is "fixable" or not.  I want someone to tell me HOW MUCH LONGER this will last so I can decide what to do.  "One more year you say?.. then I'll stay."  "Until I die you say?..then I'm gone."  But no one has told me this yet.  No one has given me the answers.  No one has looked into my future and said "Alice, you need to take the pill that says "small" and all will be fixed.  No one.  Not my bishop.  Not my parents.  Not my husband.  Not my WoPa friends.  Not my Stake President.  Not the people I trust.  No one.  

This is hard.  

I want someone to do all the hard work and find all the answers and then ship them to me express mail and way-lah!  "Oh, this isn't reality?  This will never happen?"  

This is hard.    

I attended "The Togetherness Project" this last weekend and the information I inhaled was so great.  It was so real and so relatable and so what I needed to hear.  But while I was there I realized something that I think I already knew… I realized, I am on my own journey.  I didn't like realizing that and I still don't like how it feels in my gut, it's scary.  I mean, I was surrounded by women that had been just as betrayed and hurt and discouraged and hopeless and confused and BROKEN as I am… and yet, my journey and my answers and my path will vary from theirs, and theirs will vary from each others.

This is hard.

I am realizing that I have to work.  I have to work hard and be strong and move.  I am realizing that although I am a victim to the choices that loved ones in my life have made, I don't get a "pass".  I have to fight.  I have to fight hard.  I know I am not alone but I am alone in my own journey.  I know I have support from loved ones and I have people cheering for me and I even know, at times, I will walk with others on their journey as our paths come together, but eventually, they will break apart and I will be on my own path again.

I am accepting that I have to work.  I am accepting that it's going to be hard.  What works for one may not work for me.  As my dear friend Scabs said at the Togetherness Project, I have to… HAVE to be BRAVE.

Alice is beautiful and strong.    

I am the only one that knows.
I am the only one that can make the really hard decisions.
I am the only one that can feel what to do.

This is hard.
I am Brave.
Trust yourself Alice.