Friday, September 27, 2019


This past year things have been difficult and complicated and confusing. I wish I could say that things with Knave have improved, I so wish I could say that. I also wish that writing about my kids and their struggles was easy, it's not... that's why I haven't done it. There is a intuition to protect Knave, I didn't have that same intuition when I wrote about Mr. Wonderful, it was a lot easier to throw everything out there knowing that others were in my same boat and that we were all trying to help and support each other... right now I feel like I'm in my own boat, on my own island, where no one can relate.

Without going into too many details, I will say that things have been escalating with Knave and his extreme mood swings for a long time. It's been hard on the family, it's been hard on me, it's been hard on my other two kiddos, it's just been really hard.

In some ways I feel that I have forgotten to parent with boundaries because Knave can get aggressive and violent so I'm scared into giving him his own way just to keep the peace. It feels like he has hijacked our family.

Everything came crashing down this last week, the police came, the firemen came, the paramedics came. He was suicidal. He was homicidal. They took him away to a behavior facility, he stayed there for a week. I can't express how hard that week was. The mess we had to clean up, the explaining we had to do with our other kids, the anxiety, the fear, the unknown, and the most scary thing was when it was time to come home... what changed? How will things improve? How do I do this?

Knave was re-diagnosed with OCD, we already knew this, but his new diagnosis is bipolar.

Knave is bipolar.

This terrifies me.  What does his future look like?  What does our future look like?  How can we support and help him while keeping our other children feeling safe in their own home?

These are the questions that haunt me. I don't have the answers. We are getting help. We are in therapy, we have a behavior specialist to help Knave at home, we are working with the psychiatrists to get him on the right medication, we are investigating residential treatment facilities, we are doing all we can.

I hope it's enough.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's enough.

I don't know.  Is there anyone out there that can relate?

In all of this, his porn addiction has escalated.  He's taking more risks.  I feel so overwhelmed.

One thing that makes all of the difference is that Mr. Wonderful and I are connected, we are on the same page. Mr. Wonderful works on his recovery everyday and he stays sober and I am so grateful for that because I couldn't get through this without him.

Even in the dark there is light, even if it's tiny.

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