I felt like if I didn't express my heart I would explode.
That is when I decided to write.
Then, after going to the first ever Camp Scabs{back in 2013} and realized I wasn't alone.
I decided to continue writing but this time I shared some of what I was writing.
That is when I started this blog.
This anonymous blog.
Where Alice lives.
Since then, Alice has become a little less anonymous and it has been healing for me.
But, in some ways I wish I could go back to complete anonymity because, over the years, I have had a few bumps with a few people {and when I say few I mean less than 3} who know about Alice and this blog.
I've noticed that these {less than three} people have held me back, here, in Wonderland. Because here, I share so much of me, in fact, I share the most vulnerable parts of me and it scares me to give that to them, because I know that they come here to spy read.
I think they feel happy when I feel sad.
I think they feel confident when I struggle and doubt myself.
But I'm going to practice letting go of those {less than three} people.
I have been writing. But lately, writing doesn't feel as complete as it did when I could share here.
When I would reach out. When I would let myself feel love and support from friends and from strangers.
This question is coming from the same place this post came from.
Recently I asked who, if anyone, you fellow WoPA's (wife of porn/sex addicts) have told about your husbands (boyfriend/fiancé/partner/etc.) addiction. I received a lot of great feedback. From what I received, most of you have reached out in one way or another and most of you had pleasant experiences and most of you didn't regret who you told.
So here's my next question... what about the kids?
Have any of you shared with your children? If so, please share your experiences. How old are your children? Did you regret your decision? How did your child/children respond?
OR
Did you decide not to share with your children? If so, what lead you to this decision? Do you ever plan on sharing this with your children?
This is such a sensitive topic for our children. I feel like we can help each other by sharing our experiences.
***Random note. I received most comments from the other post privately (through email or Facebook) so I was privy to a lot of helpful information. However, if you feel comfortable, please leave your comments here - under this post - so others can benefit from your experience. You can always leave your comment anonymously. Of course, if you don't feel comfortable sharing here, I still want to hear from you privately.***
It is so much easier for me to accept the consequences of my own behavior and choices.
This makes sense to me. It's obvious.
If I do something wrong, I should have consequences.
I should have to own up to it and do whatever I can to make it right.
This is logical so my brain accepts it.
It is so much harder for me to accept the consequences of others behaviors and choices.
This makes no sense to me. It's insanity.
If someone I love does something wrong, I shouldn't have consequences.
I shouldn't have to own up to it and do whatever I can to make it right.
This is irrational to me so my brain fights it.
So why? why? why? why? why? WHY? doesn't it work like this?
And yet... in both scenarios I am affected.
I am very affected.
In fact, I am probably MORE affected when someone I love does something that directly impacts me. For better or worse.
I have thought a lot about this concept and the reason why it is harder for me (and for you if you are shaking your head yes and thinking "me too") is because of the complete helplessness we have over others choices and behaviors.
There is something comforting knowing that I can do better, that I can make changes, that I can work on my own weaknesses and shortcomings and character defects but I have ZERO control over the people I love. And that helplessness is TERRIFYING. That helplessness is the reason why it is harder.
I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.
After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.
This spoke to me today.
This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.
It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.
My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate everything about it. I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.
I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.
I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that. Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away". But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.
Choosing recovery is the first step. But choosing once didn't make it go away. I have to choose recovery...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard. And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.
It makes me scares for a million reasons but one reason is it reminds me how hard Mr. Wonderful {and all addicts} have to work...
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
I think every WoPA fears the reality of the fight against addiction. Sometimes I feel so defeated by the idea that I will have to fight my eating disorder for the rest of my life and that Mr. Wonderful will have to fight his sex addiction for the rest of his life. It's an exhausting thought isn't it?
I lean into hope. Hope in knowing that, at times, my eating disorder is so tiny that the fight takes nearly no effort. It isn't always consuming. It isn't always exhausting. I know the same goes for Mr. Wonderful. But hell, I know how easy it is for me to slip into places that make the fight hard.
Why is it so easy to go backwards?
I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. If he wanted Mr. Wonderful to wake up and never lust again, it would happen. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture. Most of the time that big picture consists of meus having to suffer with Him by our side.
I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain. It has stretched me as a person. I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be. It pushes me. Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.
I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.
I never had to make the decision of whether or not to tell my family about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
Mr. Wonderful did that all on his own.
All himself.
I never had to make the decision of whether or not to tell Mr. Wonderful's family about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
Mr. Wonderful did that all on his own.
All himself.
And as lovely as Mr. Wonderful was when he was constantly in his addiction, he actually told my family about his addiction years before he told me. {but that's another story}
My point and question is, for those of you that had to make this decision... who {if anyone} did you tell? And how did you decide who to tell? How did you know? And how did you do it?
They have been asking me "what's wrong?" or "what's going on?" and they tell me "I'm worried about you" because they have noticed my subtle steps backwards. My isolation.
It's not like me.
It's also not like me to share another persons story {especially a loved ones story}. It's not like me to share someone else's secrets or their shame.
But what happens if I am a part of their story? What happens if someone else's story directly affects me and hurts me so deeply that I leave Facebook and Voxer and all my chat groups?
Because I did.
What happens if I don't ever want to leave my bed?
Dear "PHYSICALLY" Beautiful Women {according to Mr. Wonderful},
I specify the "physical" importance because this letter is for you.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I have felt threatened by you. I am sorry that I let myself feel inadequate and worthless while I was standing next to Mr. Wonderful as he was noticing you. I am sorry that I hated you and that I wish you would wear more clothes in order to make ME feel more safe and help HIM with is addiction. I am sorry I objectified you as a way to protect myself from you.
I am so so sorry.
This is not my excuse. This is my explanation.
Mr. Wonderful promised me his heart. He promised me his everything. He promised me that I would never have to worry about "other women". But Mr. Wonderful lied. Mr. Wonderful has a long history of wandering eyes. The hardest thing about this "wandering eyes issue" is that he compares what he sees (you beautiful women) to what he has (me).
Without you even noticing us, you are innocently threatening my marriage. And so I have found myself hating you.
This is not right. I was wrong. I promise over the past 8 years I have done the work and educated myself to see the truth of the situation. It isn't your fault. It was NEVER your fault. Your body, your hair, your smile, your clothing has NOTHING to do with my husbands choices, or mine.
I am sorry.
I'm not perfect. I still fear that Mr. Wonderful may eventually leave me for one of you, I still feel threatened and fearful sometimes when I see you, but I am working on it.
Please forgive me. This trauma changed me.
Before D-Day, I never had these fears or thoughts.
***If this post offends you it's okay. It offends me too.***
I've been traveling non-stop for 2 months for work, weddings, family vacations, the Togetherness Project... it's been so great and I am so grateful but it was too much. Then, when I finally returned home, I prepared my house for company and the celebration of my daughters baptism. It was too much. My life became unmanageable... it still is unmanageable.
To top it all off, my dad had an accident. While helping my husband cut down our trees he fell. He just fell out of a tree from 20 feet up and smacked directly on the cement. I saw the whole thing. The whole damn thing.
TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA
I HATE TRAUMA
This post isn't about my dad falling from a tree, he is alright and very lucky only suffering from 3 broken ribs, cuts, bruises and a shattered wrist injury that resulted in surgery. So he's okay.
This post is about a different kind of fall. One that is MORE traumatic to me than my dad falling.
This post is about a man (not Mr. Wonderful) a different man, let's call him Art. I look up to Art so much. I admire and trust and love him. Art is a man who has taught me so much. Art is a man who stands for truth and righteousness, who loves God and his family. I know that if I was every in trouble I could pick up the phone and Art would help me anyway that he could.
The same week that my dad fell out of the tree injuring his body was the same week Art asked me to look up something on his phone and I stumbled across a history of pornography.
TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA
I HATE TRAUMA
What do I do? How do I process this?
Art is a pornography addict. I knew about this. I also "knew" that he was in recovery. So did his wife and family.
I adore and love Art, just like I adore and love my dad. My heart is broken. My hope seems to be diminishing. This world, this addiction, is taking even the best hearted people. I am overwhelmed and I'm feeling myself slipping down the rabbit hole.
I feel heartbroken.
I feel sad.
I feel confused.
I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
I feel scared.
I am Slipping into darkness.
I would rather have my dad fall out of a tree sustaining the injuries he received than have Art fall back into his addiction.
It annoys me to be out in public with Mr. Wonderful and all the sex symbols that surround society. The advertisements convincing me (and him) that if I look like this or that, if I wear this or that, if I eat (or don't eat) this or that, if I drink this or that... then and ONLY THEN will I be happy, will HE be happy.
When I am out in the world by myself I notice that, at times, I have to do self talk and use my tools to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.
When I am out in the world with Mr. Wonderful I notice that, ALL of the time, I have to do self talk and I use up all my energy using every tool I've ever learned to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.
Why is it like this? Is it like this for any of you who have dealt with infidelity, porn addiction, sex addition, etc?
IT SUCKS!
And I want it to STOP!
I would actually like to enjoy Mr. Wonderful and our time out on dates. I would actually like date night to be the respite that it is suppose to be, not the exhausting work that it is now.
I have been honored to be part of some projects on fighting pornography. I have been interviewed for a book that is currently being written about the effects that pornography and sex addiction has on the spouse of an addict. I have been asked to present on pornography and participated in firesides about body image and eating disorders. I have felt so under qualified to work with so many amazing people who dedicate their lives to making this world a better place.
I have been fighting for my marriage. I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition. I have been fighting against myself to trust my husband... because it feels like it's time to take those steps but I am terrified to take those steps.
I have been raising 3 beautiful children. Teaching them about all the scary things that exist in this world and all the wonderful things and all the things in-between. I have watched as my oldest has ventured into the big world of Jr. High and my baby growing into a little lady.
But mostly, of all these things I've been doing and all these places I have been, I am recovering.
This year has been so difficult.
Specifically one incident involving my baby has been so difficult. And, although it was one single incident, there were so many factors that enabled this incident. So many neglectful and painful factors. However, this isn't my story to tell, it is hers. I am a part of her story but it isn't mine to share.
As for my part in her story, my recovery from what she went through...
I seem to remember all the details yet, at the same time, it has felt like a tornado with winds blowing me every which way.
How does time and trauma do that? How can it seem so fast and violent and out of control and yet, time seems to move in slow motion so that I don't miss any of the painful details?
Time is so strange.
Life is so hard.
I had a friend ask me today, "Alice, where have you been?"
I have been everywhere. Some places have been beautiful and hopeful and wonderful. Some places have been ugly and hopeless and dark. I have been up and down and everywhere in between but the one place I haven't been is here. I didn't know how to be here without writing a story that wasn't mine to write so I took a break and waited until I was ready, and now I'm ready.
I need to start jogging again so you think I'm in the category of all the "other girls" that you find sexy and attractive. That distract your eyes and heart and take over your penis.
All of those "other" girls.
The skinny, tan, young, blonde, brunette, red, blue, purple women that seem to be more than me. All the pornstars that you think are unbelievable, all the strippers that I can never be, all the bodies you've touched and dreamed of touching that aren't mine. The random neighbors, random grocery store workers, hair stylists, the wives of your friends, etc…
The list never ends.
I feel like such a failure around you because of all of this. I feel like a waste of space, like I'm worth NOTHING.
It's suffocating. It's debilitating.
You make me feel like a mistake. Like the world is better off without me.
And sometimes I actually believe this. Today is one of those days.
Why do you find it so difficult to love me? Why have you ALWAYS found it so difficult to accept me completely? Why do you struggle finding peace in your decision to be with me? I just don't understand.
I remember the day you knelt down on your knee in the snow and asked me to be your wife. I remember feeling like the LUCKIEST girl in the world. I remember feeling such relief that the ups and downs of our dating relationship and your indecisiveness were OVER! I waited patiently, even though it hurt me, when you wanted to break up and then be together and then break up just so you could make sure you were able to venture out, but I understood.
Mr. Wonderful got me my own hotel room for one night so I can get grounded again. I know he does this 99% for me and my sanity but that other 1% comes from his fear of "WHAT THE DAMN HELL IS HAPPENING TO HER!" My daughter is taking all of this better than I am.
***UPDATED 12/2015*** I have been working with the detectives and the police. They have brought a lot of clarity to me. I hate it when people lie. I especially hate it when someone I really trust lies to me. I am surviving but I can't believe what people will do to cover their tracks. But I guess I can, I am just use to it from addicts.
Untrustworthy people who fake trustworthiness are the worst. But it feels really great when they put their lies in writing and get caught. TRUTH ALWAYS WINS IT JUST TAKES TIME
I don't think my husband will ever feel like he is lucky to have me as his wife.
I don't think he will ever not think he could have done better.
And I get to live with that. But I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to let that be his thing because I feel like part of me beats the hell out of myself for not being enough for him.
This is so hard for me to talk about and it scares me. That's why I'm typing it.
Things with Mr. Wonderful aren't getting better in our marriage. I still see him manipulating me and stretching the truth whether that is through minimizing or exaggerating. He loses his perspective quickly and will retaliate with pride. He can't admit he is wrong or when he does, he doesn't mean it. I don't feel supported by him in this relationship and I never have. I don't feel like he really wants me to be the best person I can be. He doesn't stand by me and help me grow in a living way, rather he judges me and gets scared when he notices any personal progress I make.
My husband is wonderful at many things. Being a husband isn't one of these things.
This stuff with my little girl is killing me. I am so helpless in all of this. I feel like things are always “unique” and I can't ever find a place to express my anger. I am not allowed to be mad at "the boy" for touching Bella because he's down syndrome. I can't be mad at "my friend" who was responsible for Bella when it happened because we share the same social network. But I feel so angry. So so angry. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.
Today my 7 year old daughter was molested. The story is long and the details are confusing. The 15 year old boy that molested her has special needs. It is complicated but it never should have happened. It was preventable. ***UPDATED 12/2015*** As I go back through my writings that I never published my blood boils so much at the entire day. I have to edit most of this original entree. My daughter is strong. She spoke up immediately. She talks about things openly. She is beautifully healing.
For so long I have begged for honesty.
No matter how cruel or painful or disgusting or impossible honesty seemed, I begged for it.
As honesty becomes more consistent for Mr. Wonderful it becomes less painful for me.
Currently it is a part of our lives and our marriage.
However, sometimes honesty stings me like the day I found out about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
It comes out of nowhere and rips my heart apart.
It is so random.
Today Mr. Wonderful was watching a video that I am in.
The video was made public today and it is currently on an addiction recovery site.
It exposes Mr. Wonderful and his addiction.
He was more than supportive for me to participate... now that I think about it, he was more excited for me to participate than I was!
Anyway, back to my story.
Today Mr. Wonderful was watching this vulnerable video and afterwards, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he was nervous about finding it and viewing it.
His answer...
An ex-girlfriend.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend would find the video and discover that he wasn't the perfect man he led her to believe that he was.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend may realize that what seemed like a teenage heartbreak, was actually a blessing as the man of her dreams was an addict in disguise.
He was concerned that this specific ex-girlfriend would express a sigh of relief when she realized that by the Grace of God she was spared major heartbreak and betrayal from Mr. Wonderful.
Valentine's Day today was great. Mr. Wonderful is triggered by everything. Last night we watched “The Heart of the Matter" and this morning he confessed to being triggered. I am grateful for his transparency but I'm also exhausted with this life. I just feel like nothing is ever going to be completely safe.
I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.
As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward. What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.
Gasp.
Gulp.
As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.
I am scared terrified.
I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress. Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.
I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful. I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband. I have figured it all out right?
Well, I did have it figured out...
But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.
I am in conflict with myself. I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled. But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.
I don't want to but I need to. It's time.
I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.
And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers. Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart. But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...
If you are a WoPA (a Wife of a Porn/Sex Addict) then you may really want to consider coming to this event...
http://www.togethernessproject.org
I promote The Togetherness Project because meeting hundreds of women from all over the country who could relate to my pain and my fears was, and has been, one of the MOST healing things I have ever encountered.
I know it's scary because I did it. I was that girl that reached out to complete strangers not knowing if I would be judged or hurt or misunderstood, but I was desperate, so I jumped.
And I found the most wonderfully compassionate, non-judgmental, understanding, loving, empathetic women. Now I lean on these women everyday, and everyday I am so grateful that I took a chance.
