UCAP

Alice, be true to yourself and your moral compass. 

Surrender to God and find peace.

Breakdown

This stuff with my little girl is killing me.

I am so helpless in all of this. I feel like things are always “unique” and I can't ever find a place to express my anger. I am not allowed to be mad at "the boy" for touching Bella because he's down syndrome.  I can't be mad at "my friend" who was responsible for Bella when it happened  because we share the same social network. 

But I feel so angry. 
So so angry. 
I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

A Day to Erase

Today my 7 year old daughter was molested. 
The story is long and the details are confusing. 

The 15 year old boy that molested her has special needs. 

It is complicated but it never should have happened. 

It was preventable. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
As I go back through my writings that I never published my blood boils so much at the entire day. 
I have to edit most of this original entree. 

My daughter is strong. 
She spoke up immediately. 
She talks about things openly. 
She is beautifully healing. 

Ironic Honesty

For so long I have begged for honesty.
No matter how cruel or painful or disgusting or impossible honesty seemed, I begged for it.

As honesty becomes more consistent for Mr. Wonderful it becomes less painful for me.
Currently it is a part of our lives and our marriage.

However, sometimes honesty stings me like the day I found out about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
It comes out of nowhere and rips my heart apart.

It is so random.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching a video that I am in.
The video was made public today and it is currently on an addiction recovery site.
It exposes Mr. Wonderful and his addiction.
He was more than supportive for me to participate... now that I think about it, he was more excited for me to participate than I was!

Anyway, back to my story.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching this vulnerable video and afterwards, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he was nervous about finding it and viewing it.

His answer...
An ex-girlfriend.

He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend would find the video and discover that he wasn't the perfect man he led her to believe that he was.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend may realize that what seemed like a teenage heartbreak, was actually a blessing as the man of her dreams was an addict in disguise.
He was concerned that this specific ex-girlfriend would express a sigh of relief when she realized that  by the Grace of God she was spared major heartbreak and betrayal from Mr. Wonderful.

I beg for honesty and Mr. Wonderful was honest.

And his honesty hurt like hell.

Spinning

My life feels like it's spinning out of control.

- Oldest child is out of control. Mean.

- I am feeling hardening towards Mr. Wonderful to protect myself from him.

- Togetherness 

- Middle child getting over looked. 

- I am hating my body.

Valentines in Wonderland

Valentine's Day today was great. Mr. Wonderful is triggered by everything. 

Last night we watched “The Heart of the Matter" and this morning he confessed to being triggered. 

I am grateful for his transparency but I'm also exhausted with this life. 

I just feel like nothing is ever going to be completely safe.

One Step Closer

I have been living with anxiety for the past few weeks.  

As I've leaned into the anxiety and really explored where it may be coming from I have realized that it is time for me to be brave and move forward.  What this means for me at this point in my recovery/marriage/life is that it is time for me to let Mr. Wonderful move back in to our bedroom.

Gasp.
Gulp.

As I write this my eyes fill up with tears.

I am scared  terrified.

I have been terrified from the moment I realized what I need to do to progress.  Because lately, I haven't been progressing, I have been complacent and comfortable and lazy.

I have become relatively satisfied with having my own bedroom, closet, bathroom, space, etc... away from Mr. Wonderful.  I have found away to create safety while living under the same roof as my husband.  I have figured it all out right?

Well, I did have it figured out...

But I am realizing that time keeps moving.
And with moving time comes change.
And with change comes adjustments.
And sometimes those adjustments are scary and hard.

I am in conflict with myself.  I want to keep things the way they are... comfortable, safe, controlled.  But I need to move, take the next step towards healing myself and my marriage.

I don't want to but I need to.  It's time.

I have reached my growth in this place and it's time to move to the next place and continue growing.

And the way I gather enough courage to move is by realizing that by doing this I will have answers.  Maybe the answers I get will break my heart, maybe they will heal my heart.  But no matter how I look at it, I will be set free...

Or be one step closer to being free.