15th Anniversary

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

Fifteen years ago I couldn’t have imagined what my marriage would endure, what I would endure, and what Jon would endure. If I would have been able to sneak a glimpse of what the years ahead had in store for me I would have been so scared and so doubtful in my ability to work through the hardships that I probably would have ran away and never looked back.

But… I’m really glad I didn’t. 

I am really, really glad I didn’t. 

I wonder what I will say about things 15 years from now! 

Marriage is hard, it just is. My marriage, over the last 15 years, has involved compromise and stubbornness, communication and separation, patience and frustration, hurt and pain and so much healing, hope and hopelessness, love and hate, pride and humility, anger and sadness, fear and safety, lies and honesty, judgement, forgiveness, frustration, and charity.  

Over the last 15 years our marriage has seen many dark days. We spent years fighting WITH each other while fighting FOR each other. There was a period of time when neither of us thought we could withstand the damages done in our marriage and we almost walked away. 

But somehow, with the Grace of God, things started changing and we are still here. 

Stupid Sex

Please forgive me and understand that this post is purposefully reckless:

Angry Rebellious Alice 

I'm going to recklessly rant here.

Sex is so stupid.
I hate the concept of it.
I hate that (most) men have a guaranteed orgasm.
They have a guaranteed physical reward for having sex.
I am so frustrated that God had to make sure men experienced immediate physical satisfaction to encourage them to procreate.
It feels like God enables men's selfishness with sex.

I think sex is SOOOOOOO STUPID.
And SOOOOOOO COMPLICATED.
And SOOOOOOO DESTRUCTIVE.
and STOOOOOOOOPID.

It pisses me off in an intense way today.
And I'm pretty sure that I don't need advise right now, just support and understanding.

DAMNHELL
Mic drop***

See

I stopped listening to Mr. Wonderful.

I stopped listening to the promises, the stories, the recovery, and the words.

I replaced the listening with watching.

What started out as days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now… now it has been years of turning off my ears and opening my eyes.

And guess what I've seen?

I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

I have worked on my personal healing as I have watched and experienced his personal recovery.

{which is not the same as sobriety, but sobriety has been a nice bonus in the process}

I am scared.

Is it strange that this scares me?

Let me go back some years ago and try to explain.

For so long Mr. Wonderful wasn't even interested in recovery. In fact, he was more invested in keeping up his lies, minimizing his actions, and blaming me, than he was in REAL RECOVERY.  After years of living like this I decided that I couldn't... live like this, anymore. I was devastated but I was also convinced that, without recovery and healing, our marriage wouldn't survive, I wouldn't survive. I met with a divorce attorney {Mr. Wonderful didn’t realize this until a year later} and started moving towards a life without Mr. Wonderful.

Mr. Wonderful was unaware of my thoughts and actions regarding our marriage because I was still working things out in my mind and I didn't want it to seem like I was "threatening" him with divorce {because it wasn't a threat} and because I didn't want him to pursue recovery for the wrong reasons {fear}.  Mr. Wonderful and I didn't sleep in the same bed but we were kind and respectful towards each other. We parented together and we communicated about things that were important {kids, finances, health, schools, etc}. 

The process is long and the decisions are permanent.

And time passed.

I was committed to working on me, my recovery, and my healing.

And time passed.

I kept my ears closed and my eyes opened.

And as time passed... something happened.

Something changed.

I changed.
He changed.

Desires changed.

I'm not sure exactly, you would probably have to ask Mr. Wonderful.

And now {and for the last few years} he HAS been in REAL RECOVERY.

True. Genuine. Consistent. Pure. Honest. Absolute. Legitimate Recovery.

You guys, he really has been.

I SEE it.

I FEEL it.

And it really scares me to put this out there in the universe.

But what comes next scares me even more...

I have known for months {more months than I care to admit} that it is time.

It is time for me to be physically intimate {SEX} with Mr. Wonderful again.

I don’t know how to do this. It has been so long.

When I found out about Mr. Wonderful’s addiction I thought I could “fix” him by having a lot of sex with him. I spiced things up, I mixed things up, and I did this {and more} for years. {6 years of unhealthy unattached sex... but who's counting?}

And guess what? It didn't work. {surprise, surprise!}

So I stopped. I stopped having a physical relationship because it was too damaging to ME and I didn't like how I felt {and yes, it took me 6 years to figure this out... but who's counting?}.  I wasn't "punishing" Mr. Wonderful {a lot of addicts think it's about punishment and with some people it is, but in my scenario it wasn't} but without even realizing it, I had become his cheap fix. I had become a part of the addiction and a part of the problem, and in doing so, my self confidence and self respect had almost become extinct. 

It was necessary and I don't regret my decision.

But what started out as days has turned into weeks, which has turned into months, and now… now it has been years in a marriage without physically intimate {SEX}.

And guess what?

It is TIME!

Because I have seen change!

I have seen change that I stopped hoping for.

I have seen change that I stopped believing in.

I see Mr. Wonderful.

I have witnessed his heart change.

And I am scared.

But I am ready.

Because, I see that Mr. Wonderful sees me.

Unconditionally?

Do you love yourself?

Like unconditionally love yourself?

Like, it doesn't matter if you shower or not? Or if you go to the gym or don't? Or if you have a clean or messy house? Or if you feed your family fast food more days than not?

Do you have the kind of love for yourself that doesn't change based on expectation, success, or failure?

If you do... how do you?
How did you get there?
How do you stay there?

What do you do in a world that is so harsh and so demanding and so judgmental to make sure you love yourself?

Please PLEASE share.

MAD-CRAZY

I am feeling {for lack of a better word} CRAZY.  

There isn't anything BIG going on with me but there are a lot of LITTLE things.

They add up.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with my life AND this world.

I feel like I am behind, always struggling to catch up to everyone else.

Or, maybe the truth is that I am always struggling to catch up to the expectations I have of myself.

My expectations are relentless and demanding. Unhealthy to say the least.

Regardless of the reasons, I am feeling a desperate need to breath, like my body can't get enough air and at any minute I may pass out.  The anxiety constantly reminding me of what I need to be doing, where I should be as a mother, what I need to look like as a wife, where I ought to be in my recovery as a spouse of an addict, and where I should be in my recovery with my eating disorder.

According to my expectations, I am failing at everything.

And I just can't seem to shake it.