ISEEUHope

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International Sexual Exploitation Enemies United, Hope

www.ISEEUHope.org  (501c3 status pending)

Who we are:  Women helping other women to find hope, healing and strength as they recover from the devastating effects of betrayal trauma.

What we do:  Provide connection to programs, services, support and community efforts aimed at helping people find hope and healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction.  Promote legislation to reduce “fake massage parlor” (brothel/sex provider) businesses in our communities.  Create scholarships for people affected by and working to combat the darkness of sex/pornography addiction/ the porn industry/ the sex trade.

How we do it: Through community connections with various churches and organizations around the Phoenix, AZ area, around the country and around the world.  Through our website.  Through support groups serving women.  Through the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation: www.endexploitationmovement.com

How you can help:  Please donate.  

100% of the donations we receive are put toward care packages & materials to help clergy minister to sex/pornography addicts and their spouses.

***You can also support us by registering to Run in the Arizona Race Against Trafficking (RAT Race) as part of our team ISEEUhope.  All donations made to our team through the RAT Race will be given directly to our organization minus a small processing fee (2-3%)

Why you should help: When a woman finds herself in a situation where she has been betrayed by the person in her life she trusted and gave herself to, it is devastating and she often finds herself feeling very alone and worthless.  These packages will direct her to a community of women who have survived the trauma and are finding healing and wholeness in their lives.  The services offered in the care package will help her to get through the toughest periods of recovery when she can do little more than breathe & survive.f

Please give generously and know that your donation will brighten the day and the heart of a woman who feels that the whole earth has crumbled beneath her feet.

Our sincerest thanks for your generous donation!

if it's possible...

Is it Possible? 

I only see Mr. Wonderful every couple of days.  During those times Mr. Wonderful and I may visit, or sometimes we may quickly pass the children off to each other and and hurry away in separate directions, or sometimes we may eat together as a family and really enjoy ourselves, or sometimes we  may fight during the quickest exchange.

I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.

The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces.  When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling.  Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful.  Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated.  I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am.  Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.

Here's the deal...

I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION... 

FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt,  dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)

I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.  

This is a painful realization for me.  And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.

Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years**  and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?),   I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?  

Do you believe that can happen?

If so, do you believe it is because I am weak?  Because I can't forgive?  Because I can't forget?  Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?  

This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings.  Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life.  (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.)  I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger.  That is... 

if it's possible.  

Is it? 

Alone

How is it possible to be in a room surrounded by wonderful people and feel completely alone?

How is it possible to be around other woman who have husbands with sex addictions and feel like no one understands you?  

Someone explain to me how this is even possible.

Because it's how I feel.

And I hate it.

Loneliness is an awful feeling.

An awful empty feeling.

Burn Baby Burn

It’s hard to believe that it has been a year and a half since my first experience reaching out to others like me… other WoPA’s (Wife of Porn Addict).  I feel like I am such a different person than I was a year and a half ago. 

I’m braver.

I’m stronger. 

Tonight is my first night back at Camp Scabs and it was pretty wonderful.  We congregated together as a new group of friends.  I’m sure most of the WoPA’s here don’t quite realize what close friends we will all be by the end of this weekend. 

After dinner we did quick introductions and headed out to our campfire where we “burnt shit”.

I was surprised at how much pain was expressed at the burning of all our personal triggers, pain, current hell, past hell and more.  Sometimes I am still shocked at the power and pain that this addiction has on us, the wives.  Sometimes I wish the addicts could see what we go through, the pain that their choices cause these beautiful, smart, funny, amazing woman.  These women are so eager and willing to give their entire hearts to their husbands, they want their marriages to succeed, they pray for it and hope with all their hope that their husbands will fight.  But I see the fear and pain and doubt in their eyes.  I hear the exhaustion in their stories.

Tonight we burned our shit. 

Tonight I burned my lingerie, the lingerie that I can’t ever wear again because of the pain it causes me. 

I loved it. 

I felt so alive and free and empowered. 

I only wish that it was this simple in “real” life.  Just throwing everything in a fire and watching it burn into ashes and turn into a pile of nothing.  Then simply wash my hands and walk away.

Unfortunately, for all of us, it is simply not that simple.

I love these women so much already.  My heart hurts for them and wants them to find peace and happiness. 

My fear is that it just doesn’t exist. 

It's Time

I have been super busy with a work project.  Having a big project has been the perfect excuse for me to hide from my marriage and hide from the reality that I have some pretty big decisions to make.

I am happy that this project is over.

and...

I am terrified that this project is over.

Here I go... wish me luck.

Queen of NO Hearts

My mother in law is in town...
   For 10 days...
      I will not be seeing her...
         And she will NOT be happy...

I never would have guessed.

Thirteen years ago I never would have guessed that I would be where I am... thirteen years later.

Thirteen years ago on August 14th, 2001 I was at my wedding dinner celebration.
It was at a beautiful golf course.
We were with our family and closest friends.
We were getting married the next day.
It was a happy celebration.
I wrote and sang Mr. Wonderful a song.

Thirteen years later, on August 14, 2014 I was meeting with an attorney.
It was at a friends house.
I wasn't with any family.
We discussed the possibility of divorce and what that may look like.
I was so sad and confused.
I came home and cried myself to sleep.

I never would have guessed. 

Prayers

We are telling the kids tomorrow.  If you pray please pray for their little innocent hearts.  Please pray that they will have peace and feel safe and that angels will surround them as their world shakes.

And please pray for Mr. Wonderful and I to feel and listen to the spirit of our loving Father.

Breathing

I swore I would NEVER have another separation in my life... EVER.  I swore that the 8 month separation back in 2010 would be the only time Mr. Wonderful and I would have to sit down with our wide-eyed carefree kids and explain to them that their parents need space to breath think.  And in order for that to happen, the man they adore and love, their dad (Mr. Wonderful) would have to move out.

In 2010 when reconciling after our separation I remember telling Mr. Wonderful, "this is it, if we can't make this work we are divorcing because I don't believe in separating for convenience and confusing our kids"... and now, well...

Mr. Wonderful moved out on Monday.  I asked him to.  He was cordial and somewhat understanding.
He knows that he has hurt me on a indescribable level.  He gets that.  He doesn't think he can help it so he wishes I was just strong enough to understand when he tells me he resents me for not being "the hottest" but he understands how that stabs me so hard that I feel like I am dying inside hurts me a little.

So, we are breathing.
I am breathing.

Or maybe I will start breathing in a few days or weeks because right now I'm finding it pretty difficult to breath.

Mr. Wonderful, why? why?? WHY??? can't you love me?

WHY?  
Just love me.  
Just let me be enough. 
or just get some courage and confidence Alice and stop caring if he loves you or not...

engulfed

Today I 

am: 

         Exhausted 
         Defeated
         Hopeless
         Hurting
         Confused 
         Sad
         Angry
         Lonely 
         Ugly
         Empty 
         Scared

                          

Today I am engulfed in WONDERLAND. 

                                                              Today I am just going to survive... or try to. 

Alice Arrives

The Forth of July is such a great day.  It's full of fun, family and fireworks!  It always seems like the perfect day for a hike or a swim.... or both.  The barbecues and the parades and the desserts and the music... the red, white and blue colors displayed in every direction along with the feeling of a country united is so, so beautiful.

The Forth of July is one of my favorite days.
The Forth of July is such a great day.

The fifth of July... isn't.

I try not to wrap myself up in technicalities but I am unreasonably sentimental.
Today is D-Day.

I can't help but think about the knock at my door, my bishop showing up and Mr. Wonderful reading me the "letter".  The letter that contained the truth and reality of my marriage.

My life.

I can't help remembering how I lost the ability to trust Mr. Wonderful in a single moment... and then, in a moment later, how I lost the ability to trust everyone.

See... I am sentimental.  I can't help it.

To be sentimental is a wonderful thing that contains beauty and happiness and it is a terrible thing that contains ugliness and sadness.

Mother's Day Performance Spectacular

Mr. Wonderful is an amazing performer.  He puts together the most spectacular birthday celebrations, gifts and surprises. But his best holiday accomplishments seem to fall on Mother's Day.  What a day for me.  He makes it the best most relaxing day by taking care of our 3 beautiful children and just spoiling me.

I almost can't wait for tomorrow.

Mother's Day Performance of a Lifetime! 

Oh, before you get jealous of my wonderful performing husband… did I mention that he is sleeping on the couch?  Oh crap, now back to my reality I suppose… yes, Mr. Wonderful did a little confessing today that went a long with a tad bit of lying so… my marriage isn't fun or happy or blissful by any means…

but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy Mother's Day and the performance of a lifetime right?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF MY WARRIOR SISTERS AND WoPA's.

I LOVE YOU.

"The Two Wolves"

Lately, I feel like there is more than one person occupying space in my body.  
Lately, I feel as though I am constantly battling with myself.
I feel like I need to decide what path I am going to choose on my journey.  What voice I am going to listen to.
And then sometimes I wonder if it's truly my choice at all.  

But then I remember that - yeah, I do have a choice.  
And then I resent the fact that - I DO HAVE A CHOICE.

But then... eventually, I am grateful that - YES, I DO HAVE A CHOICE!  

And I am choosing.

I am choosing to let go.
I am choosing to forgive.
I am choosing to trust.
I am choosing to love.
I am choosing to give people second chances (and then third and forth and fifth chances).
I am choosing to see the best in those around me, even if (and especially if) they don't deserve it.  

I am choosing LIFE and LOVE and FREEDOM and HAPPINESS.  

I am CHOOSING to… 
LET GO   and
FORGIVE   and
TRUST   and
LOVE   and
GIVE CHANCE AFTER CHANCE   and
SEE THE BEST… in Mr. Wonderful… not because he deserves it.

I am CHOOSING to… 
LET GO   and
FORGIVE   and
TRUST   and
LOVE   and
GIVE CHANCE AFTER CHANCE   and
SEE THE BEST… in ME… not because I deserves it.

But because I want...
LIFE   and
LOVE   and
FREEDOM   and
HAPPINESS   

for ME.

I'm scared.  But I'm ready.  And I realize that this will be a choice I get to make every day… or not, but it's mine and I'm grateful.

"The Two Wolves" - A Cherokee Story

A young boy came to his Grandfather, filled with anger at another boy who had done him an injustice.  

The old Grandfather said to his grandson, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. 

But hate wears you down, and hate does not hurt your enemy. Hate is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."

"It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offence when no offence was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. 

But the other wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper."

"He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, because his anger will change nothing. 

Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, because both of the wolves try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and said, "The one I feed."

"The One I Feed"

Which wolf are you feeding Alice?  It's your choice.  Always. 

"Who Are You?"

It is not my job to understand you.

It is not my job to approve of you.

It is my job to accept you.

It is my job to love you.

And I do.

-Alice

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

            

Do the Impossible Alice

Dear Mama Alice,

Listen, you can do this.  You have to do this, if not for you, for your kids.  Let me explain some of the things you learned about yourself and your situation this weekend at Camp Scabs:

You are really afraid to love yourself.  You are afraid to accept yourself.  But the funny thing is, you are ok.  You are alright.  You have problems.  You have faults.  You have weaknesses, but don’t give up because of these things.  Don’t believe that it’s all too much, because it’s not.  It’s hard.  It’s so painful.  It’s so scary.  But you are NOT broken.  It’s not hopeless.  This is NOT stronger than you.  It is true that you are a victim of some very hard things that aren’t your fault but don’t let these things take over.  

You can’t.  

Do you understand the magnitude of this?  It’s not just affecting you, it’s affecting those you love and cherish more than anything in this entire world… those three beautiful children.  And wouldn’t you do anything for them?  Wouldn’t you give up ANYTHING for them?  I believe you would.  I KNOW you would.

What you need to do now is be so brave for them.  You have to reach somewhere within yourself… somewhere that you have been very afraid to venture.  Alice, you need to be stronger for your kids... in fact, they need to see you be fearless.  You need to show them that you can do hard things, and the best way to show them this is to DO those hard things. 

You have to love yourself… if not for you then for them.  Be with them.  Have fun with them.  Jump, literally jump, in a swimming pool with them; or even better, the ocean.  Live, laugh and love (I know you hate that saying) but do it, and do it like you have never been wounded or betrayed.  

The world can be scary but it can also be exciting and adventurous and GOOD and HAPPY.  Find that… be brave… be fearless… and FIND IT!  Do it for your kids.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for Mr. Wonderful (yeah I said Mr. Wonderful) he is trying… and you know that he is.  He has a good heart with a problem.  He is strong and he’s really, really brave.  Maybe the first brave thing you can do is tell him just how brave and how strong you think he is… and maybe even cry… because that would be scary and vulnerable and real.

You can do this.  And whenever you think you can’t, think of those beautiful little children that adore you with all of their hearts. 

Oh, and one last thing, TALK to those kids about what is going on.  What I mean is, address the feelings in the home for what they are.  The kids feel it, they just do.  So don’t let them believe that it is something other than what it is, don't let them believe it has something to do with them… address it with them individually and all together.  Build a relationship with them.  Work to build their self-esteem and confidence.  Show them that you are brave and that you can have a relationship with their dad.  This is what will stay with them forever.  So, stop watching TV… stop needing so many breaks, because let's be honest, you don’t need to have that many breaks.  Be with your children, be brave… love them and be with them.  It’s impossible to have no regrets… but you can minimize those regrets by pushing through this.

You can do this.  DO IT!  You are strong.  Remember how strong you are.  

Just do it.  Just do it.

You are a great mother. 

Alice

This is a letter I wrote to myself last year at Camp Scabs.  I haven't read it since I wrote it and reading it tonight motivated me and scared me.  I was kinda harsh… but I was real.  I thought I would share it.  I don't want to bury it for another year again.  

Oh, and I haven't told Mr. Wonderful what I set out to tell him when I got home from camp.  

I think I just froze.

And then I forgot.  

But it's time to tell him.  

It's time.