Thursday, December 21, 2017

Hyperventilating

Today was hard.

I knew it was going to be.

Mr. Wonderful and I have a rule that if our kids get C's or below, they don't get to play video games. This has never been a problem but with the lack of effort I witnessed Knave putting into his school work this semester, it was inevitable.

And the day we found out that he got a C was today.

What makes me crazy is that these rules have been set in stone for as long as I can remember so when Mr. Wonderful picked up the boys from school and Knave announced that he got a C "but it was just barely a C so can I please PLEASE PLEASE still play my video games?" and Mr. Wonderful, instead of enforcing our already-set-boundaries answered, "we will have to ask you mom" it makes me want to pull my damn hair out.

Now I'm the bad guy for following through with our rules and boundaries.

"Dad would have let me it's just YOU, YOU RUIN MY LIFE."
"I HATE YOU"
"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD"
"GO KILL YOURSELF"
"YOU'RE A BITCH"


It was the "bitch" comment that sent Mr. Wonderful on a dead sprint towards Knave.

Then Knave took a swing and it all went crazy.

I cried.

Like the hyperventilating, I can't catch my breath, cry. 

Now we are in the car, a cute little family traveling out of state to make magical Christmas memories.

I want to crawl in my bed.

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My heart is broken right now.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

My Dailies

Lately I have felt foggy.
I think this is what trauma does. 
It makes me feel foggy and confused and it creates a lot of self-doubt.

Pinocchio started therapy last week.  He is going 2 times a week and it is a sacrifice for our family.  It is a 3 hour round trip from start to finish and during that time my other two children are on their own.  It is also the MOST expensive therapy I have every paid for, so it becomes a financial stress on my husband and I.

But this is what we do as parents right? 
I don't know actually. 
But it seems like the next right step and that is my focus right now.

ONE STEP AT A TIME


Because this time feels so trying and so heavy I am really focusing on self-care and dailies.  For those that are interested, here are some examples of what dailies are:

Dailies (examples)
- Personal: 
     Keep a Journal
     Repeat Daily Affirmations
     Personal Development - start a new hobby
                                         take a community education course 
                                         express creativity such as art and/or poetry
     Recovery Reading or Step-Work

- Physical:
     Exercise - walk, bike, swim, hike, run, etc...
     Nutrition - plan meals
                     avoid junk food
     Rest and Relaxation - get adequate sleep
                                      limit TV time

- Spiritual:
     Prayer
     Meditation
     Scripture or Religious Reading
     Church Service

These are my dailies for the week...