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| Is it Possible? |
I have noticed one very obvious thing about myself during these visits, no matter how brief they may be or how nice they may seem, I have noticed that I change as soon as Mr. Wonderful enters the same room that I am in.
The change that overcomes me when Mr. Wonderful shows up can take many different faces. When it takes on pride I force myself to seem normal, or even better than normal in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, I laugh and act like I am strong(er) than I am feeling. Another very popular face I take on is that of anger, I get so unexplainably angry at Mr. Wonderful. Anything or everything or NOTHING he does or doesn't do makes me absolutely infuriated. I notice that I am filled from head to toe with intense anger and I let Mr. Wonderful know just how angry I am. Another face I sometimes take on the face of sadness, this face doesn't come around very often because there is a sense of vulnerability that accompanies sadness, and being vulnerable around Mr. Wonderful is risky.
Here's the deal...
I have thought a lot about these "faces" and what they mean, and I have discovered that they represent ONE SINGLE EMOTION...
FEAR
(anxiety, concern, despair, uneasiness, angst, dismay, doubt, dread, horror, concern, panic, suspicion, scare, terror, worry, pain, discouragement, sorrow, gloom, wilt, tremble, ETC...)
I am completely overcome with fear as soon as Mr. Wonderful comes anywhere near me.
This is a painful realization for me. And I'm sure it is a painful realization for Mr. Wonderful.
Because I have been so hurt and betrayed and manipulated by Mr. Wonderful in every way (remember how he convinced my family to keep his secret **for 5 years** and how he used something as beautiful as reading together or dating each other a way of manipulating me in his premeditated acting out?), I am afraid that I may never be able to recover and that even if Mr. Wonderful were to somehow manage to be completely PERFECT in his recovery and in his honesty and his loyalty and faithfulness from today until the end of time, WHAT IF I am already too far gone?
Do you believe that can happen?
If so, do you believe it is because I am weak? Because I can't forgive? Because I can't forget? Because I can't start over and give Mr. Wonderful just ONE-MORE-CHANCE?
This is a hard one for me but I want your true feelings. Whether these feelings come from your own personal experiences, or just how you think because of the journey you have walked in this life. (I just got super nervous asking for advice from anyone -- please be gentle and give me your honest feedback with love.) I just don't want to give up on my marriage or my family unit by not being STRONG ENOUGH... if I'm not strong enough then I will make myself stronger. That is...
if it's possible.
Is it?
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ReplyDeleteThank you Wendy. I have come to realize that both choices will indeed break me. I realize that both of my options are awful choices.
ReplyDeleteYour angle is interesting, and one I need to consider. You don't think that "anyone is too far gone"... so my question is, what is the next step?
And let me clarify, I only feel the intense fear when Mr. Wonderful is around me, when he isn't my day is pretty... doable! It is when he comes around, it's like the trauma engulfs me... so with that said, what is my next step? How do I save my marriage? How do I MAKE myself feel safe? Can I? Is it possible for me to change how I feel, if so how?
I am finding it difficult to find a safe place with Mr. Wonderful, any safe place to start.
Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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ReplyDeleteWendy, my next hard question: how many times is too many times? Let me explain. When you mention telling Mr. Wonderful and being completely vulnerable, I have. I have over a million times since D-day in 2007. In fact, Mr. Wonderful knows exactly where I am. I tell him all the time that he scares me to death, and that it doesn't seem to matter if he "did" anything to justifiable scare me or not, I'm just terrified of him. He knows. I am pretty real with him, maybe too real. So there is that. Back to my question, how many times? Because, as you explained, I have jumped into this thing with him time and time again. I have worked so hard to trust him, and as I work, he lies. Then, when everything comes out, I'm further back than I was before I started trying. And then there is forgiveness. I haven't forgiven Mr. Wonderful of everything, but I have forgiven him of a lot. But does forgiving mean forgetting? Does forgiving mean trusting? Because think someone can completely forgive someone and not trust them. Do you? So back to my question, how many times is too many times? How much pain is too much?
DeleteSometimes a woman is strong by staying, and sometimes she stays because she is weak. Sometimes a woman is weak for leaving, and sometimes she is strong for leaving.
How much of this is in my hands, and how much of it isn't? Because if the insides of me were visible on the outside, I would be bruised and bleeding and everyone would tell me that if I stayed it would be because I was weak... that "he" would never change.
How much of that advise applies to someone who has tried over and over and over again. Just to be made a fool of?
I love you so much Wendy, I am lost in thought. I hope I don't come across as aggressive or rude or hurtful. I am just seeking out truth, doing all I can before I make my decision. Good night friend.
This is Wendy but I'm on the iPad so it's posting anonymous. Just wanted everything to know I didn't ignore Alice's last questions. We talked about this late into the evening. And I'm loving all of the new comments. So many different perspectives. It shows how loved you are, Alice. We are all here to support you!
DeleteI'm going to pitch in on this simply because I've wreastled with the question of staying vs leaving, weak vs strong, control vs surrender for years-- and have had different answers at different times. There have been many, MANY times where staying and being vulnerable and doing everything in my power to change & save our marriage was the STRONG choice. I did that countless times over the last 15 years of marriage.
ReplyDeleteBut what you are talking about is SAFETY. You are saying that even after all that you can do, you are afraid of Mr Wonderful. Either a) he is doing everything he can to be a safe person for you, but your (completely normal!) trauma causes you to be fearful and suspicious of his recovery. Or b) he is NOT a safe person and trying to 'trust' or 'give him a chance' means overriding your gut-- your basic human need for safety-- in order to 'save' your marriage.
If a) is the case, you will know by how he reacts to your fear. Does he expect it? Does he a accept it? Does he show empathy? Does he take responsibility for the wounds that he's inflicted? Is he gentle and patient as he allows you to take the time you need while he proves that he can be safe for you? If so, then allow yourself to take all the time that you need. Trust and attachment will begin to form of their own accord, unable to deny safety when they see it.
If b) is the case, I am so sorry. The desire to keep a marriage intact and have your spouse live up to the potential you see in them can be so strong, it leads you to think that there MUST be something you can do to make this righteous desire come to pass. I have learned that I can either choose to create my own safety (by setting boundaries, honoring my own feelings, etc) or I can choose to give myself a false sense of control by overriding my desire for safety and trying all kinds of things to effect change-- which feels strong, but usually is fruitless and codependent, though a perfectly natural and understandable way to react when scared for a person and life and marriage that you want to preserve.
I've decided that the only thing I can do in life and marriage is to stand on my own two feet by leaning on the lord. This means I have boundaries. I create my own safety. I keep my heart open to love and forgiveness. And then I wait. If he meets me there with empathy and recovery, I will feel safe with him in my own time. If he doesn't meet me there, but pounds against my boundaries, those boundaries may change as I feel less and less safe. One year, in house separation may be enough. Three years later, maybe only divorce feels safe. It's all individual.
I hope this helps. I think the bottom line is that it takes great strength to listen and obey your own instincts, and the voice of the spirit. What that looks like from the outside really doesn't matter
You are absolutely right. It takes strength and courage to listen and obey my own instincts. And it doesn't matter what that looks like to anyone else. Thank you for your comment, it is very insightful.
DeleteHI Alice,
ReplyDeleteI will share a story I have seen of the possibility of full recovery, for both spouse and addict. I have a family member whose husband is an alcoholic and did mean, violent, and unsafe things to his wife and children. She left with the kids and put him out of her life. Then, several years later, one of her children sought out their dad and he had changed. She was willing to meet with him again, just to see how he was and see what her child was getting into. He had changed. He was solidly in recovery, he was the kind, humble, loving man she remembered before he allowed his addiction to take over. He gave up acting out on his addiction for God, for himself, and for the tiny spark of hope he had that someday his family would let him back in.
She felt safe. She set boundaries. She wondered if she could truly be safe with him again. It took time. Eventually, they remarried. Their second life was full of love, support, and safety. He never crossed those boundaries again. She felt safe by his actions, his words, his deeds, and her willingness to extend trust as he showed her the changed man he was. Their second life lasted much longer than their first. It will last beyond this life. I was there in the days leading up to him passing away and it was tender to see.
This is not a fairytale and it wasn't easy, there were times it was hard for her children to all except him and trust him. She is one of my mentors in this process. And she reminds me there is hope. To extend that hope, we have to be ready, we have to stick to our boundaries. And the key for me is that that man was the picture of what true recovery and sorrow looks like. He treasured his wife and family so much, he was grateful every day to be a part of their lives. He never forced or expected anything, but willingly gave his love and support no matter what.
That gives me hope. Maybe that can give you hope. No matter what you chose, even if you never feel safe enough to be with him again, I know that God will be there...willingly and lovingly extending his hand to help you along the way. Much love and hope to you!
Allie
Allie, that is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope too. I believe anyone can change if their heart truly wants to and this is proof. Thank you so much!
DeleteThis post really resonated with me...because I've been there too. The separation, the fear that overcame me every time I saw him, and the overwhelming emotions. For me, I don't think that any situation is beyond repair. HOWEVER, I do think that sometimes the repair means being able to peacefully co-parent in a divorce and sometimes the repair means rebuilding a marriage. And in most of these situations, I think the "repair" is first the responsibility of the offender. In our case, the addict. He must take on the responsibility as the offender to seek his own recovery, to lay zero of the blame on the offended, to work each and every day to show, through his actions, that he is owning his stuff. For me, this happened, and it took about a year for me to feel just a bit safer. And when I felt a bit safer, I took some teeny-tiny risks of vulnerability. Each time those moments of vulnerability were met with safety, compassion, and honesty, I inched towards the idea of giving him another chance. But it wasn't until there was a significant period of this (I'm talking years), that I really jumped back into the relationship to work on our issues as a couple. But I kept my boundaries, and always will.
ReplyDeleteI only say all of this to hopefully let you know that what you are experiencing is a natural consequence of the actions of an addict. The fear, the feeling like you need to give it one more chance, the feeling like it's too far gone. I've been there too. We're not alone...or crazy.
Eleanor - from mytwoworldscolliding (I don't know why it's making me anonymous)
Eleanor, I agree. The offender has to take ownership and not just for a few months but it has to be a permanent realization. Thank you for sharing your timeline. I get impatient and try to rush the process of trusting Mr. Wonderful, but that never works out for me! To know that it took you a year before you started letting yourself INCH back to your husband is something I am so glad you shared. It makes me feel NORMAL!
DeleteI think fear has a function. I don't think we should make choices out of fear. But, I think fear can protect us from danger. If you are "too far gone" maybe that means your soul has limits. That's okay. Maybe your body is trying to protect you from danger. That's okay. It's not your fault or your weakness that you recognize danger. I hope my kids learn to recognize danger and look at the feeling of fear-it's causes and make responsible choices accordingly.
ReplyDeleteI like what has already been said. You have good friends! :)
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, forgiving doesn't mean trusting necessarily. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting either.
As far as how many times, only you can answer that. I've heard people say they stayed until they knew they had done all that they could. Then they felt like they would be at peace when they decided to leave.
I can only say what has worked for me. Education was helpful. Ultimately, working through the 12-step programs helped me feel the enabling power of the atonement. I can say that much of my pain has been eased. I'm not all the way healed. I still struggle. Life and triggers can still be hard. But, I know the pain has been lessened. You said that you've been able to forgive some of Mr. Wonderful's actions, so you've probably experienced this, too.
I hope that you can feel more peace and light in your life soon. I wish this wasn't so hard. You're in my prayers! Lots of love!
Eileen thank you. Since I wrote this post I have jumped into the 12-steps with more resolve than ever before. That program is inspired and I have felt a lot of healing through it. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me. I do have good friends, and you are a part of that group!
DeleteWhile I was reading I thought of this article...http://rowboatandmarbles.org/pray-for-humility-not-strength.html. It's from an addicts point of view but I think it applies in asking God for humility, not strength. I really think that is the answer most of the time. We live in this world where vulnerability and humility are viewed as weakness but guess what, that's a lie! You don't have to be stronger and you don't have to allow yourself to be hurt anymore. You just have to keep on keeping on and pray for humility that you can let the Savior take away the pain.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that. I love that post and I love Rowboat and Marbles! I love the idea of praying for humility and I have applied this concept into my life and taught my children about this. I am so grateful you shared that with me. Thank you.
DeleteSometimes there just too much water under the bridge. And that's ok. xo
ReplyDeleteDamn hell... you are right. Sometimes there is no repairing the relationship, only the individual.
DeleteSo many hard questions and difficult answers! I am so sorry for the heartache you are facing.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe forgiving means forgetting or trusting. To me forgiveness means I am not actively trying to remember all the hurtful things that have happened (reliving conversations or arguments or reactions that hurt, imagining what revengeful things I wish I could have said or done, keeping score, thinking often about what he's done, reminding him of what he's done, etc.) and allowing the anger and resentment to remain in my heart. I will never forget what has happened and I may ways feel a sadness about it, but it won't control my emotions (one day!). And you can completely forgive without ever having to trust them again.
As others have said, you are the only one who can know if you should stay or go and what is too much for your soul. The question of whether things are ever beyond repair is a hard one. In an eternal big picture, no it is not beyond repair or too far gone. And there is a lot of hope to be had in this life and miracles do happen (so I've heard). However, we are not invinsible. We have our limits. Sometimes the trauma and stress is too much for us and our bodies get sick and we can get life long diseases - cancer, autoimmune diseases that are so often connected with stress, heart issues, etc. Sometimes our brain cannot take anymore and something brakes. My sister (who knows a ton about mental illness) recently reminded me that sometimes people break and they don't come back, or they are forever changed. That's why it's so important for us to pay attention to our body mind and spirit and get ourselves the help we need. Sometimes that means leaving a relationship, sometimes it means changing the dynamics of a relationship. Recreating a new one, if both are invested and willing to be healthy.
If your husband is wanting to still work on things (and you do to), maybe you could start with something like a "long distance" relationship and start rebuilding b writing each other letters and getting to know the new you? There is something special about hand written letters (rather than email or text). You could mail them to each other or exchange the sealed envelopes when you see each other and then read them privately. I don't know...that's just something that popped I to my mind as I read your post and thought about the fear of interacting with each other.
I'm so sorry again for all you are facing. And remember, having a tender heart does not mean you aren't strong! Hugs!
I agree, forgiving does NOT mean trusting. I always thought those 2 concepts coincided but I am realizing they don't. Thank you for your words and your comment. I love your idea of hand written letters and I actually started that with Mr. Wonderful in a journal we pass back and forth! It's been a great (and scary) step. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
DeleteIf I smashed your leg with a hammer and broke it in a hundred pieces and you cried out in pain, would it mean you weren't strong enough to tolerate it?
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had a physical injury that prevented you from doing certain things u wished you could because it brought pain, even long after you've outwardly healed?
Sometimes we have injuries that do so much damage and can never be fully repaired, no matter how much we wish it. Doesn't mean we aren't strong. Doesn't mean we can't live a full and happy life. Doesn't mean we are "damaged". And it doesn't mean we will be in pain forever. It just means we get to find something else that brings us joy.
It wasn't your fault that your husband injured you. And its not your fault if the injury brings you pain by remaining married to him. It has nothing to do about your strength.
Hes not strong enough. His weakness injured you. Dont own his shit.
Dear friend... you are very wise! Thank you!
DeleteHad to throw in one of my favorite quotes...again...
ReplyDelete"Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.
I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. A businessperson treated unfairly in a transaction should not hate the person who was dishonest but could take appropriate steps to remedy the wrong. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives." - David E Sorensen
"We should..prevent that injury from being repeated".....
If staying married to him causes the injury he inflicted to hurt (no matter if he's perfect or not)....then prevent you must.