Entering Wonderland 'Part Two' - and I lost everything.

So, there we were… my bishop – sitting in the corner of our living room in our oversized blue chair, my husband (Mr. Wonderful) – sitting on the couch, and me – sitting directly across from where my husband was sitting, anxiously waiting and curiously wondering what was going on. 

I knew something was “off”.  I didn’t know if it was a "good off" or a "bad off" but it just felt awkward.  There wasn’t much small talk or chit-chat… it was just strange. 

Then, Mr. Wonderful, without any sort of an introduction, pulled out a piece of paper… a letter that he wrote to me, a letter that he started reading to me.

And then… my life changed.

My world shifted.

I wasn’t safe.  I wasn’t safe.  I WASN'T SAFE.

I was scared.

As Mr. Wonderful read the letter, he revealed and confessed his sex addiction to me.  His confession consisted of years of viewing and lying about viewing pornography.  It also covered the general details of other women, strip clubs, lap dances, sexual chit-chat, adult bookstores (what the hell is an adult bookstore again?)… and so on. 

I remember listening in absolute unbelief.  Even as he was sitting there, with my bishop, confessing all the lies and manipulations and deceit and money and girls… I just didn’t couldn’t believe it.  It was like Mr. Wonderful was telling me a story about someone else, some other sad couple and their tragic relationship, not ours. 

Mr. Wonderful sobbed through the entire letter.  I sat there emotionless, across from him, nothing between us but our coffee table.  Occasionally I would glance over to the corner of the room where my bishop sat, silently listening… silently observing.

When Mr. Wonderful finished reading his letter there was silence.  I just sat there.  I sat there trying to wrap my head around this massive tsunami that just destroyed my reality, my reality turning to Wonderland.  I sat there trying to process the destruction.  Then I stood up. 

I stood up and in absolute shock I walked over to Mr. Wonderful and hugged him… (WHAT???  I know, I should have kicked him in his jewels but I didn’t, I hugged him) and I said to him, “Mr. Wonderful, I bet that was really hard for you to share with me, I appreciate you telling me.”  Then I grabbed my cell phone, looked over at the bishop and said to both of the men, “I need some fresh air”.  And just when I was about to escape that room, just as I reached for the doorknob, I heard Mr. Wonderful’s voice.  He said, “Alice, because you grabbed your cell phone, I feel like I should mention to you that”… (and here is where I instantly lost EVERYONE I EVER TRUSTED IN MY LIFE)… “I feel like I should mention that your dad, your mom, your sister and your therapist already know about my issues, and they have known for several years”. 

I listened to this. 

I stepped back from the front door and walked to the closest chair where I quietly and softly set my cell phone down before disappearing out the front door.

I didn’t need my phone anymore.

Who could I call?

Who could I trust?

Everyone, not just Mr. Wonderful, kept this life-altering secret from me for years.  They sided with the secret.  They sided with the addiction.  They sided with the addict.  My parents, my very own parents, chose Mr. Wonderful over me. 

I sat on my driveway holding my knees to my chest.  I sat there all alone in 119 degrees feeling cold and invisible.  So alone. 

I didn’t need my cell phone anymore.

Entering Wonderland 'Part One'

It was 119 degrees and I remember laughing, literally laughing, at how hot it felt outside.  It was July 4^th, 2007 and it was our first summer in the blazing heat of Arizona.  My family (Mr. Wonderful, our 2 boys, and I) had been in this new and exciting place for a short 5 months.

When Mr. Wonderful was offered a promising job in Arizona I was excited.  I was ready and fearless and confident and ambitiously ready to take on the world.  And so, we moved. 

It was the first time Mr. Wonderful and I weren’t living within 5 miles of at least 20 of our relatives; his parents, my parents, his siblings, my siblings, my grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles, etc.  But we were thriving in our new life.  We loved our neighborhood.  We loved our ward.  We loved the people we were meeting and the friends we were making.  I loved how strong our marriage was growing because, for the first time, we were forced to rely on each other completely.  We were communicating with ease and supporting each other in ways our extended family normally would.  We were each other’s everything… and more. 

I was happy.  I loved the sunshine.  I felt like, not only was it 119 degrees outside in July, while my little family sat on the asphalt waiting for the fireworks to start, but it also felt like it was 119 degrees inside my own heart and soul.  I was just.that.happy.

When the doorbell rang in the evening of July 5, 2007 I answered it without a thought.  The kids were in bed, the dishes were done, the evening had arrived and I wondered who was stopping by for a visit.  When I opened the door a familiar face in a suit stood on my front porch.  I struggled trying to remember exactly who this man was.  I knew he was a member of my bishopric, but I wasn’t sure if he actually was my bishop!  In an attempt to hide my confusion from him, I smiled curiously.  I remember thinking it felt a bit strange when he pushed his way through my front door without me announcing that my husband was home first (normally, in my church, a man won’t barge in {or even enter} a home without first knowing that another man is home).  Just as I was thinking how strange this was, Mr. Wonderful bounced around the corner welcoming our BISHOP into our home.

“Hello bishop” I said, in a way that would make anyone believe that all along I knew he was my bishop.  The bishop shook my hand nervously and took a seat in our big blue chair.  I joined as Mr. Wonderful awkwardly sat on our couch…

…and here is where my life changed forever.

…and here is where things get very blurry.

Annoying Fly

So, the other day I was thinking… and I guess I was feeling too.

I was feeling bad about something that triggered me.  I was feeling bad for Mr. Wonderful.  I felt guilty that Mr. Wonderful had to "deal" with my unpredictable triggers and the unpredictable emotions that often accompanied those triggers.

Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get so sad.  Sometimes I'll down right cancel any plans right as we are walking out the door due to my inability to "handle" the real world while dealing with the trauma of betrayal.

I started apologizing to Mr. Wonderful for my inconsistencies when (in mid apology) I realized that what I had to "DEAL" with was so much bigger in comparison.  {Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in apologizing to anyone and everyone (even those that have hurt me beyond belief) when I have done something that merits an apology.}

While I was apologizing something clicked in my brain and before I had thought it through I said… "Mr. Wonderful, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with me when I experience random triggers and random emotions that come from all the hurt and pain of our relationship and our past."  He graciously accepted my apology, so I continued… "but the more I think about it, what I have to deal with compared to what you have to deal with is metaphorically like comparing the hassle of swatting an annoying fly to the hassle of shoveling the poo left by a dozen grown elephants.  I'll admit it, flies can be annoying, especially when you are trying to enjoy a picnic outside… but I think anyone would choose to swat a fly over the task of running around with a shovel that weighs 50 pounds scooping enormous piles of shit that seem to be the size of a 10 year old… what do you think?"

Then I walked away.

PS… I think I may start sharing my story soon!

Let's Make It Wonderful

I love Christmas.

I have had some pretty terrible and painful Christmases in the past.

I still love Christmas.

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading then I am talking to you.  I hope you find a way to have JOY this wonderful time of year.  Sometimes it doesn't feel wonderful but it is.  The Savior was born.  The SAVIOR WAS BORN.  How about we make a deal… you, my only reader, and me.  How about the deal be, when it gets hard (because it will), when the triggers and the pain comes (because they will come), then we, you and I, focus on the Savior.  And more specifically, the new born, squeezable chubby, soft baby skinned, baby boy Savior.  I think that will help me… maybe it will help you to.

So what do you say?  Deal?

I want you to love Christmas too.

All my love,
Alice

Lately.

Lately I feel like I'm spinning into an oblivion.

I am wounded and I am not scabbing over.  I want to be a scar.  You can't hurt a scar.  You can see a scar and you absolutely remember how it got there but, unlike an open wound or a scab, you can't hurt a scar.

After all these years my pain is still too raw.  Raw feels awful.  Raw feels vulnerable.  Raw feels sensitive.  Raw feels like spinning.

Help.
Alice.

Betrayal

Unexplainable pain and confusion.  "I thought you loved me" I said.  "We do" they answered… and they they lied. 

My week has been difficult.  I can't explain why and that's part of the difficulty.  There needs to be a reason why I struggle.  That's how my brain works.  If it doesn't make sense, I don't validate it.  I am working on this.  Sometimes I have a hard time, just because… lets see, why again?  Oh yeah… life is hard, my marriage is unstable, and I am so terribly terrified to trust anyone.  ANYONE.

I have been betrayed by so many secrets and so many supporters of these secrets.  People I loved lied to protect Mr. Wonderful.  My own blood, my own parents, my therapist, my sister… in an attempt to "protect me" they stood behind my husbands secrets and lies.  They weren't ignorant, they completely understood the situation… don't give them an out, they knew and they kept it from me.

This is a topic I haven't openly discussed because I truly love my parents, they are amazing.  I love my therapist, she knows how to reach me.  I love my sister… she's my SISTER.  My family is close.  We all get along for the most part.  We support each other, we love each other, we are functional, we communicate, we are a close family unit.  

My husband, Mr. Wonderful, shared his "pornography problems" with my family and then convinced these people, whom I love more than anything, to keep his lies and his secrets from me… and they did, for years, for 5 of the 6 years we were married my parents knew, I didn't.  I found out about Mr. Wonderful's sex addiction in 2007… and that same day Mr. Wonderful explained to me that my most trusted, most loved, most loyal, most faithful people in my life knew all about his addiction for 5 years, since 2002… we were married in 2001… I was told in 2007.  How could this have ever happened?  What could Mr. Wonderful have said to convince MY PEOPLE to turn on me?  "Turn on me", that term sound so extreme and so dramatic as I read it to myself, however, that is exactly what it feels like they did.  This makes me so sad.

It's been years, what bothers me is I found out in 2007 and it's 2013.  I am annoyed with myself because I feel as though I still haven't truly faced this part of my story and journey with Mr. Wonderful.  I am so hurt and so broken and I feel so unloveable and so weak because of this betrayal… I feel alone, lonely, unworthy… but I feel like it's all my fault… (and I admit, I say that with a lot of hesitation because I have been taught and told over and over again that it isn't my fault, but it still feels like it's my fault).  Please don't pour on the pity or the lectures, because I get it, I do, I just haven't been able to match my emotions with my knowledge.  And honestly, I can't blame myself too much.  When it seems as though the top 5 people in my life that I loved the most and trusted the most were all on the addicts side, well, it leaves a lot of room for self doubt.

And I am self doubting.

I mean, it's hard enough finding out that the love of my life had been betraying me and lying to me, this  made me doubt myself, made me feel crazy, made my reality turn into Wonderland, but   when "my people", "my top 5" jumped on board and supported Mr. Wonderful, well, that news may have been more devastating than the addiction confession.

This is why my week was hard.

I remember now.

I feel as though I have no one and I'm not sincerely motivated to reach out and find others that could help me… I mean, why should I give it another shot?  If my own family can stand by my cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, husband over me, than why should I believe that anyone truly would stand by my side and have my back?

Today I sign from a broken place, a hopeless place.
Today I feel as lost as I did back in 2007.
Today I feel alone.

Alice

Chastity

Chastity.

What a lesson.  My dear friend who is a convert and who is really great about being REAL gave the lesson in Gospel Essentials today.  It was tender and raw and heartbreaking all stuffed into 1 hour!  I felt sad.  I felt like a victim.  I felt angry at Mr. Wonderful for breaking the covenants that would qualify not only him but our entire family for the blessings and gifts that come from our Heavenly Father when  all members of a family are living the Law of Chastity.

The promises are beautiful.

Did you know that the topic "Chastity" can be found in the Gospel Principles manual under the topic "family salvation"?  Neither did I.  Vanessa Moodie says, "A realization hit me like a burst of light!  This law was designed specifically to protect not just individuals but also the most basic and important unit of heaven and earth… the family.  I realized that this law will do more than any other commandment in protecting and strengthening the family.  What a blessing!  What a glorious blessing!" You can find the full talk "The Blessing of Chastity" here.

Yes, what a blessing.  However, what a sad realization when I know that Mr. Wonderful hasn't and isn't completely keeping the law of chastity.  So, does this mean that because he falls short on this very serious commandment my entire family suffers?  

I don't like this thought.  

I am confused.  If the only person I can control is me.  If the only person I can change is me.  If the only person I can save is me then why can someone else's action and choices take certain promises and blessings away from me and my children?  Am I still promised these blessings but without my husband on board, I'm just don't get the fulness of these blessings?  

I don't like this thought.

Please Mr. Wonderful… choose the right thing. For you. For me. For our beautiful family.

I hope your loved ones make the right choices, regardless, we can be happy and whole and feel complete even if they don't.  I am not speaking from experience, because I'm not there… not yet, but I do believe this is possible.

I like this thought.

Alice

Someone Else...

Can someone else please tell me what to do?  I will do anything ANYTHING you tell me to do if it will make this madness go away, this heavy fog lift, this spinning and swirling stop.  Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. 

JUST. TELL. ME.

Alice in Wonderland

But, no matter how much I beg and cry and kick and scream, no one has my answers, no one can fix me, no one can fix my husband or my situation or my marriage.  No one can erase all the lies and deception and betrayal of the past and replace it with truth and happiness and fields of flowers for me to run through all day long.  I want someone to tell me if I should divorce or stay married.  I want someone to tell me if this is all for the better of me AND my children and if so, yeah, I'll stay.  I want someone to measure the damage that has been done and will be done to my children because their home doesn't feel safe.  I want someone to know and tell me if this damage is "fixable" or not.  I want someone to tell me HOW MUCH LONGER this will last so I can decide what to do.  "One more year you say?.. then I'll stay."  "Until I die you say?..then I'm gone."  But no one has told me this yet.  No one has given me the answers.  No one has looked into my future and said "Alice, you need to take the pill that says "small" and all will be fixed.  No one.  Not my bishop.  Not my parents.  Not my husband.  Not my WoPa friends.  Not my Stake President.  Not the people I trust.  No one.  

This is hard.  

I want someone to do all the hard work and find all the answers and then ship them to me express mail and way-lah!  "Oh, this isn't reality?  This will never happen?"  

This is hard.    

I attended "The Togetherness Project" this last weekend and the information I inhaled was so great.  It was so real and so relatable and so what I needed to hear.  But while I was there I realized something that I think I already knew… I realized, I am on my own journey.  I didn't like realizing that and I still don't like how it feels in my gut, it's scary.  I mean, I was surrounded by women that had been just as betrayed and hurt and discouraged and hopeless and confused and BROKEN as I am… and yet, my journey and my answers and my path will vary from theirs, and theirs will vary from each others.

This is hard.

I am realizing that I have to work.  I have to work hard and be strong and move.  I am realizing that although I am a victim to the choices that loved ones in my life have made, I don't get a "pass".  I have to fight.  I have to fight hard.  I know I am not alone but I am alone in my own journey.  I know I have support from loved ones and I have people cheering for me and I even know, at times, I will walk with others on their journey as our paths come together, but eventually, they will break apart and I will be on my own path again.

I am accepting that I have to work.  I am accepting that it's going to be hard.  What works for one may not work for me.  As my dear friend Scabs said at the Togetherness Project, I have to… HAVE to be BRAVE.

Alice is beautiful and strong.    

I am the only one that knows.
I am the only one that can make the really hard decisions.
I am the only one that can feel what to do.

This is hard.
I am Brave.
Trust yourself Alice.

How Do I Do This Again?

Okay, can someone help me out here?  I want to be a working partner in my marriage, meaning; I don't want to give up the fight, or give up the hope... I want to be IN this marriage.  However, I'm having a very hard time understanding how to do just this AND, at the same time, feel SAFE.

It seems that in order to feel safe in my marriage I have to detatch from Mr. Wonderful because, at this point, I am still hurt by his lustful desires to be with other woman.  It hurts me so much even though, I can tell, he is discouraged by his lustful desires.  Mr. Wonderful would snap his fingers, if he could, and make ALL of this MESS go away, but he can't.  And, although I realize that he is not proud of his sex addiction and all the pain, confusion, hurt, heartache and more, it causes, it still HURTS me.

Why?

Why does it still hurt me so much?

Does it ever get easier?  I mean, I have been at this (knowingly) with Mr. Wonderful for almost 6 years.  When does the pain subside?  When do I get my feet planted firmly enough on the ground that I just shrug and FEEL (not just say) this is your problem, not mine?

So, back to my question, if I want to be a "working" member of my marriage, but I also want to feel safe... HOW DO I DO IT?  Is it even possible?  Or, do I have to choose?

Choice #1:  Work on trusting Mr. Wonderful, work on loving him, work on being in the marriage, work on forgiving him but, as a result of your efforts and your desires, you will always be vulnerable to heartache and pain from the choices he makes.

Choice #2:  Detach.  Become your own self.  Become someone that doesn't care what he lusts after or what he "wishes he had".  Remove yourself from him giving him NO POWER to hurt you by his lame-ness (yes, that is the word that came to me here).  Stay in the marriage, raise your 3 beautiful children together, but become cold toward the marriage in order to save yourself from heartache and pain.

Wow... 2 wonderful choices... it's so hard to decide with options like these!  Sometimes I feel like I really am Alice, with all the choices to make but for no specific reason.  Do I grow here or shrink?  Do I have a tea party or follow the white rabbit?  Do I love my husband fiercely or carefully?  Do I love him at all?  Do I work on shutting off and becoming the Ice Queen so I can't be hurt?  What am I doing here anyway?

Life... why can't you slow down?

On a seperate note, I really need to work on my relationship with God.  I seem to have stopped trusting him and his plan when my world came tumbling down on DD1 and ever since then, all the other DD's following, I have just become less trusting of everyone and anyone, including Heavenly Father.

Alice

Anxiety

Sometimes I just feel anxious. It's an unnerving feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. It's itchy and squirmy and ugh... it's annoying. It always seems worse when I am unable to figure out WHY I am feeling the anxiety that I am. What is the root or the cause of this anxiety? Oh how easy and convincible I can be when I am telling myself... it's not you, it's Mr. Wonderful. It's his choices and actions that have put you in a place to even recognize anxiety. It's the years of his dishonesty, the years of him sneaking around, the years of the facade of a WONDERFUL marriage that he let you believe with all your soul... and so, when you are simply sitting or driving or eating or visiting or running around and you feel anxiety, it's obviously his fault.

But, I'm afraid this isn't the truth... or not the entire truth I suppose. I have been dealing with the ups and downs of my husbands "sex addiction" since he openly told me all about it in July of 2007. It hasn't been easy. Scratch that... it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There has been hope followed by despair and pain. There has been laughters and tears. Fear and love and hate all rolled into the same hour or day or a week or a month. We have taken many steps forward and then even more back and then more forward and then less backwards... and so on.

I have a very valid excuse for the way I feel or the things I say out of fear or frustration or the ways I act when I am living a day to day life with a liar and a addict... and most people would probably say, "Mrs. Wonderful, don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot and you are still fighting, so give yourself a break." However, I am realizing that I may be hiding behind this very valid excuse. I may be blaming my husband or taking things out on him that he has nothing to really do with. I find that I will be angry and I will easily hide behind something he HAS done or something that HAS happened time and time again, but I think I'm tricking myself into believing that these reasons are really WHY I'm doing and feeling and acting the way I am when in reality, it has a lot more to do with me. But that is a lot harder to take in because it means it's time for me to push myself harder. And, to be honest, I'm sure that some percentage of what I'm going through is absolutely Mr. Wonderful's fault. I mean, my entire life has taken on a heavier feel and everything I do, EVERYTHING is harder and heavier... but where do I draw the line and accept that some of all of this is simply by being a victim to the choices made by the love of my life but some of it... and probable most of it, is mine.

Oh the difficulties of life. Life is hard. Life is hurtful. Life is confusing and messy and... hard. And I am trying which, ironically enough, makes it harder. But I am trying which also means, there is hope.

Alice