Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

Stay or Leave

Sometimes when people hear my story they say, "oh I would NEVER stay around if someone did that to me" or "I would NEVER forgive my husband if the treated me the way yours treated you."  

I think they mean well but sometimes it hurts my feelings or makes me feel a little insecure.  

At times Mr. Wonderful was borderline abusive to me.
Maybe some wouldn't use the word borderline.

I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship if they don't feel safe but I suppose I stayed in an abusive relationship that I didn't feel safe in.  

And yet, I am so grateful for Mr. Wonderful and where he and I am today.  

He's my best friend.
My confidant.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have left, I was so close to leaving.

In the end, I think everyone has a story and every story is different and everyone has the right to do what is best for them.  
Stay.  
Leave.  
It's all unique and there is no universal right or wrong answer for everyone.  

I'm so glad I stayed but I will support anyone who chooses to leave. 

I will also try not to say, "If I was in that person's situation I would do this or I would do that" because honestly, I don't know what I would do and it only hurts the people in those situations when I pretend like I do. 

Let's all love a little harder and judge a little less... especially ourselves.  

A Bikini at Church

We were visiting a different ward on Sunday because an amazing couple we know was leaving on a mission. 

During the meeting we were asked to stand and sing a hymn.  The dad in front of us couldn't stand because his little daughters head was resting on his lap while she napped.

This gave my 13-year old son and myself a perfect view of this man and what he was doing.

He was on his phone.  

Who am I to judge?

He got on Instagram and a girl in a bikini popped up on his feed.

Who am I to judge?  But my son noticed and looked at me.  I kind of shrugged and kept singing the hymn.  

The Instagram feed adjusted to being turned on and the bikini picture disappeared.

We kept singing and the dad in front of us kept scrolling until he found... THE BIKINI PICTURE AGAIN. 

He viewed the bikini photo that had disappeared too soon for his liking.  He even scrolled in to get a better look.

My son looked back up at me and by now I was fuming.  

Here we were at CHURCH. 

Where is the honesty? Where is the example?  Where can a mom and her kids have a break from the worlds agendas and influence?  

CHURCH?????  Nope. 

I looked at my son and said, "I'm sorry you had to see this.  It's not fair and I am sorry that this man, this priesthood leader is being a bad example of the power he holds."  

We kept singing.  

I wanted to reach over and grab his wife and hug her.

After the song I leaned over and told my mom what had happened.  She got even more fired up than I was!!!  She looked at me and said, "I'm saying something to him after the meeting." 

And she did.

She actually walked right up to him and asked if he had a moment.  They sat down on the bench and she told him what had happened.  She told him she wasn't there to judge him only to let him know of the situation he had accidentally put others in.  {but lets get real man, you shouldn't be zooming in at the stuff regardless of where you are}

The dad was uncomfortable and probably really embarrassed.  Our purpose wasn't to embarrass him.  He mumbled around and tried to minimize what he did {"the picture popped up, I didn't know that was going to happen"} but he did apologize.  I was grateful for the apology.

Mostly, I was grateful for my badass mom who was brave enough to say something.  

She was the true example that day.  And her grandson {my 13-year old} knows he's important enough to speak up for.  

What would you have done?