Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL

I see him struggle as though he's being controlled by something else.

I see his frustration as his mind spins and spins and he is unable to adjust.

I see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when he can't stop but wants to.

It is as though OCD has a grip on him and won't let him free even though he is trying to break free.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is REAL.
And it's a bitch.

Prisoner

I feel like a prisoner. 

Even though I have older children, I can't leave them alone... not with Knave.

Not only do I fear that he will find a way to access pornography in our home {regardless of  having every filtering software known to man} but Knave has OCD and it seems to get more severe the older he gets.

He can often {very often} get stuck in his thought process and stuck in his ways.  If anyone upsets his expectations of how things are suppose to go {according to him} he can lose his temper and rage.  Recently he has shown aggression when he has these rages so I worry about leaving my other kids alone with him.

I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

I suppose I remember feeling like this when Mr. Wonderful was acting out in his addiction.  When he was lying and sneaking and minimizing and gaslighting.  I felt like a prisoner in my marriage and therefore in my life.

But with Mr. Wonderful it felt like an emotional prison.

With Knave it feels like a physical prison.

Both of them are awful.

I am working on solutions to remedy this situation because I don't want to resent my son.

Any suggestions?

Please! Handle with Care.

Photo by Disney

I have a vulnerability hangover.  

Sharing about Knave feels like the most vulnerable thing I have done in a long time.  

I know that many of you reading my blog know me, the real me.  And I know that some of you reading know me and don't really like me.  I would hope that you would be kind with my latest entree.  I would hope that if you are reading this you can hold space for my pain and my fear and hold love for my son. 

Please handle with care.

Meet Knave of Hearts

I don't know what to do about my son, Knave. I am learning to let go and to surrender but there is this line, this fine line because I am still responsible to keep my other two children safe. I feel like there is a good chance that Knave may end up accidentally exposing them to pornography and I feel like it is my duty to keep that from happening. So, where to I let go and where do I protect? What does this look like? Do I keep the internet shut down when I am away from home to keep this from happening or is that controlling? I feel like I am gaging uncharted territory as a mother going through this addiction with her son... it is VERY different than going through it with my husband. I am less angry and more concerned. I am more about mercy and less about justice. It is definitely different. Still, I feel some responsibility for my son’s addiction and I felt responsibility for my husband’s addiction.