As cliche as it is, ringing in the new year always seems to spark some sort of reflecting for me. As I looked back over this last year, 2014, I realized a few things.
What has changed in me? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.
A lot.
I have learned that being vulnerable is beautiful (and scary). I have learned that I have the answers I need within me (and I am learning to trust those instincts). I have learned that I have a support system (a tribe) like nothing I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am strong, I am strong enough to stay with Mr. Wonderful and strong enough to leave. I have learned that life is ever moving and changing and that I have to proactively work to stay healthy.
What has changed in my marriage? As I asked myself this question, this is what came to mind.
NOTHING.
And I was hit by a wall of hopelessness and sadness. We turned on the television 3 minutes before midnight to watch the ball drop in New York and, like any hit segment or series on television, there were sexy, skinny, skimpy girls dancing around on stage before midnight struck. I found a wave of fear crash over me followed by the realization that this fear has been present in all my New Year Eve experiences for the last 7 years.
Unfortunately this feeling doesn't come just once a year, but it is STILL the primary feeling in my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. Will this ever change? Will the anxiety ever go away being replaced with a positive feeling? Did the lies and addiction and deception and manipulations go on for too long to ever imagine being in a healthy marriage?
I don't know.
But I sure hope it's not too late because I'm really sick of having to work so hard to stay in this marriage.
To stay happy and healthy in this marriage.
I'm exhausted.
I want a partner. A friend. A safe spouse.
Happy New Years to you. May you learn and grow in yourself AND your marriage.
