Prayers

We are telling the kids tomorrow.  If you pray please pray for their little innocent hearts.  Please pray that they will have peace and feel safe and that angels will surround them as their world shakes.

And please pray for Mr. Wonderful and I to feel and listen to the spirit of our loving Father.

Breathing

I swore I would NEVER have another separation in my life... EVER.  I swore that the 8 month separation back in 2010 would be the only time Mr. Wonderful and I would have to sit down with our wide-eyed carefree kids and explain to them that their parents need space to breath think.  And in order for that to happen, the man they adore and love, their dad (Mr. Wonderful) would have to move out.

In 2010 when reconciling after our separation I remember telling Mr. Wonderful, "this is it, if we can't make this work we are divorcing because I don't believe in separating for convenience and confusing our kids"... and now, well...

Mr. Wonderful moved out on Monday.  I asked him to.  He was cordial and somewhat understanding.
He knows that he has hurt me on a indescribable level.  He gets that.  He doesn't think he can help it so he wishes I was just strong enough to understand when he tells me he resents me for not being "the hottest" but he understands how that stabs me so hard that I feel like I am dying inside hurts me a little.

So, we are breathing.
I am breathing.

Or maybe I will start breathing in a few days or weeks because right now I'm finding it pretty difficult to breath.

Mr. Wonderful, why? why?? WHY??? can't you love me?

WHY?  
Just love me.  
Just let me be enough. 
or just get some courage and confidence Alice and stop caring if he loves you or not...

engulfed

Today I 

am: 

         Exhausted 
         Defeated
         Hopeless
         Hurting
         Confused 
         Sad
         Angry
         Lonely 
         Ugly
         Empty 
         Scared

                          

Today I am engulfed in WONDERLAND. 

                                                              Today I am just going to survive... or try to. 

Alice Arrives

The Forth of July is such a great day.  It's full of fun, family and fireworks!  It always seems like the perfect day for a hike or a swim.... or both.  The barbecues and the parades and the desserts and the music... the red, white and blue colors displayed in every direction along with the feeling of a country united is so, so beautiful.

The Forth of July is one of my favorite days.
The Forth of July is such a great day.

The fifth of July... isn't.

I try not to wrap myself up in technicalities but I am unreasonably sentimental.
Today is D-Day.

I can't help but think about the knock at my door, my bishop showing up and Mr. Wonderful reading me the "letter".  The letter that contained the truth and reality of my marriage.

My life.

I can't help remembering how I lost the ability to trust Mr. Wonderful in a single moment... and then, in a moment later, how I lost the ability to trust everyone.

See... I am sentimental.  I can't help it.

To be sentimental is a wonderful thing that contains beauty and happiness and it is a terrible thing that contains ugliness and sadness.