Friday, November 1, 2013

Betrayal


Unexplainable pain and confusion.  "I thought you loved me" I said.  "We do" they answered… and they they lied. 

My week has been difficult.  I can't explain why and that's part of the difficulty.  There needs to be a reason why I struggle.  That's how my brain works.  If it doesn't make sense, I don't validate it.  I am working on this.  Sometimes I have a hard time, just because… lets see, why again?  Oh yeah… life is hard, my marriage is unstable, and I am so terribly terrified to trust anyone.  ANYONE.

I have been betrayed by so many secrets and so many supporters of these secrets.  People I loved lied to protect Mr. Wonderful.  My own blood, my own parents, my therapist, my sister… in an attempt to "protect me" they stood behind my husbands secrets and lies.  They weren't ignorant, they completely understood the situation… don't give them an out, they knew and they kept it from me.

This is a topic I haven't openly discussed because I truly love my parents, they are amazing.  I love my therapist, she knows how to reach me.  I love my sister… she's my SISTER.  My family is close.  We all get along for the most part.  We support each other, we love each other, we are functional, we communicate, we are a close family unit.  

My husband, Mr. Wonderful, shared his "pornography problems" with my family and then convinced these people, whom I love more than anything, to keep his lies and his secrets from me… and they did, for years, for 5 of the 6 years we were married my parents knew, I didn't.  I found out about Mr. Wonderful's sex addiction in 2007… and that same day Mr. Wonderful explained to me that my most trusted, most loved, most loyal, most faithful people in my life knew all about his addiction for 5 years, since 2002… we were married in 2001… I was told in 2007.  How could this have ever happened?  What could Mr. Wonderful have said to convince MY PEOPLE to turn on me?  "Turn on me", that term sound so extreme and so dramatic as I read it to myself, however, that is exactly what it feels like they did.  This makes me so sad.

It's been years, what bothers me is I found out in 2007 and it's 2013.  I am annoyed with myself because I feel as though I still haven't truly faced this part of my story and journey with Mr. Wonderful.  I am so hurt and so broken and I feel so unloveable and so weak because of this betrayal… I feel alone, lonely, unworthy… but I feel like it's all my fault… (and I admit, I say that with a lot of hesitation because I have been taught and told over and over again that it isn't my fault, but it still feels like it's my fault).  Please don't pour on the pity or the lectures, because I get it, I do, I just haven't been able to match my emotions with my knowledge.  And honestly, I can't blame myself too much.  When it seems as though the top 5 people in my life that I loved the most and trusted the most were all on the addicts side, well, it leaves a lot of room for self doubt.

And I am self doubting.

I mean, it's hard enough finding out that the love of my life had been betraying me and lying to me, this  made me doubt myself, made me feel crazy, made my reality turn into Wonderland, but   when "my people", "my top 5" jumped on board and supported Mr. Wonderful, well, that news may have been more devastating than the addiction confession.

This is why my week was hard.

I remember now.

I feel as though I have no one and I'm not sincerely motivated to reach out and find others that could help me… I mean, why should I give it another shot?  If my own family can stand by my cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, husband over me, than why should I believe that anyone truly would stand by my side and have my back?

Today I sign from a broken place, a hopeless place.
Today I feel as lost as I did back in 2007.
Today I feel alone.

Alice

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10 comments:

  1. You're not alone. I'm so sorry that you feel alone- but I get it. Alone in a crowd. Alone in a family. I'm sorry they hid it from you. That HURTS. Email me anytime. madagaea (at) gmail

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    1. All I can say is THANK YOU and you are the nicest person.

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  2. Ugh. I just gasped in HORROR. I can't imagine how bad that betrayal from not only the addict (who has a messed up brain and blah blah blah blah) but from the sane people who love and trust. That is MESSED. UP. And I am so sorry that it happened to you.

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    1. Buffalo Gal, I know right?? And, if I may say, you have met some of my family and you know how cool they are… so what the hell??? It is MESSED UP… they messed up. But ugh, now I have so much work to do because I don't trust anyone!

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  3. Thanks for being real. It's hard to dig deep and sort through the pain. Hang in there, one day at a time.

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    1. Marlee, thank you. I miss you. I hope all is well for you.

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  4. I believe your story contains one of the worst betrayals I've heard. I hope that doesn't intensify it but validate it for you. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You did nothing to deserve that. I think your dad should buy you something expensive. Everyday. And your mom should take you on lots of girls weekends. Or something. But, none of that will erase what happened. I don't believe there is anything you can do to fix this, BUT you can allow them to fix it. Are you willing to let them fix it? It's ok if you aren't yet. That was a very big betrayal. Hopefully one day the pain will dull ever so slightly to the point that you are willing…. Love you!

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    1. Harriet, I'm not only willing to let them fix it, I'm desperately willing to let them fix it. I want to be healed and I know they are trying… it's hard because you are so right, it takes so much time. In the meantime, I agree with the buying me off philosophy to "help" while the healing progresses! HA!

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    2. I personally like the buying off policy as well. And if they don't agree, I'll buy myself off. Thus the fabulous new wardrobe I have acquired this year……
      I'm sorry. I'm glad you are open to them fixing it. Don't beat yourself up. It takes time….

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  5. Years later I am reading this. I am so sorry for your family's and therapist's betrayal on top of your husband's. My mom totally blew off my telling her my story. I couldn't believe it. I thought she would support me over anyone. Our relationship has not been the same. That was three years ago. Thanks for sharing your pain. I needed this tonight after crying. Someone else gets me.

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