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| Quote from Alice in Wonderland |
Who decides what is socially acceptable? I am no expert but from my view, I'm not a fan of what I see (keep in mind, that "my view" changes day by day so tomorrow I may feel differently). Okay, so from my view and given the experiences that I have gone through, as well as learning from my "two lives" in which I am calling my "Utah life" and my "Arizona life", this is how I see it.
In Utah I was perfect... or at least that was the identity I clung to or more accurately, the facade I clung to. I simply did everything by the book... you know what book I'm talking about, it's the big fat book called "People Pleasing" or "Conforming to What is Socially Right" or "People's Expectations: Meet Them at All Costs" also known as "Selling Your Soul to the Devil"... okay that last one may be a bit dramatic! Anyway, while living in my Utah life I didn't get to know myself, I didn't have enough courage to get to know myself. It was a lot easier for me to assess the situation and then perform. I was a great kid, my mom said I was the easiest baby and as a toddler I walked early, I talked early, and did everything I was asked. My mom shares with me stories about when I young, around 18 months, and I would be playing quietly with other kids during a play-date when she would call me over to where all the other mothers were sitting and ask "Alice, will you sing a song for us?" and politely I would sing a song... and get praise for it, I'm sure. As a teenager I was fun and energetic and talented. I wasn't a 4.0 student, I got 3.7's. I was always home by curfew, I wasn't boy crazy (my dads favorite thing), I was honest, happy, engaged, social... you know, perfect. I would diligently look for cues from my peers, my coaches, my parents, my sisters, my teammates, my teachers, and so many others (even the opinions of mere acquaintances matters you know!). I would be hard on myself when I failed and I would cautiously celebrate when I succeeded. I didn't know myself at all... not even what my favorite ice cream flavor was. But the rewards, oh the rewards of being perfect... I had friends, and lots of them. I was invited to everything: girls night out, date nights, the gym, play-dates with my kids, vacations, showers, luncheons, birthday parties, weddings, activities, and so much more. Oh and the trust that people gave me, it was exciting and flattering and fulfilling... a kind of fulfillment that would last, well, about 15 minutes. I was always the team captain or the president of my church class or leader or confidante. People sought my advice and listened as if I were a professional of some sort. It was wonderful and instantly rewarding and undoubtedly out weighed the idea or thought to step away and risk losing it all to find ME, and actually, to be honest, I thought that's who I was.
Then I moved away, away from family, friends, and streets with numbers; away from mountains and snow and security. At first I was living my Utah life in Arizona, you see my "Utah life" doesn't only exist in Utah. I didn't need a fresh start and frankly I didn't want one. In fact, I was intimidated at the thought that no one knew anything about my past. I was proud of my past, my past was proof, maybe even a resume, of how strong and perfect I was. I continued on being the only person I knew how to be, the "Utah Girl". I threw myself into my knew life and, as pattern would show, I had friends and neighbors who were eager to meet me and I was invited to all the baby showers and birthday celebrations and holiday parties and luncheons and campout and vacations and girls nights out. I was strong and resilient and determined to keep going the way I did in my Utah life. But then tragedy struck, and I mean real traumatic tragedy, and things got REALLY HARD. I went through (and am still going through) the single hardest experience and trial that I have ever been so privileged (insert sarcasm here) to go through. So I had to search, I had to take all of my energy and search. I searched for truth and guidance. I searched for help and security. Most of the time I didn't like what I found because it was raw, it was hard, and no matter how much I searched through that big fat book, the answer wasn't there. There were no cues or explanations. I didn't have it in me anymore to be perfect. All my time and thoughts and energy were dedicated to my wellbeing and my family. I became less social at first, and then practically anti-social. My trial wasn't appropriate to share with others so I had very few people to rely on for help. I forgot how to laugh and share and "hang out". My awkwardness was apparent so I stopped getting invited. In defense of my new social group, they didn't know or understand that I was going through something that was so much bigger than I was capable of handling. They didn't understand why I was so awkward and sad... and they had only known me for about 6 months so my roots weren't deep enough... but isn't that the reason we all aspire to have friends? So we have people we not only can have fun with, but also trust, or at least know that they trust us enough that if things are "off" or awkward it's okay? Does everyone deserve an explanation to why things have changed a little, or a lot? Is it my job to keep people comfortable when I am going through so much turmoil? I believe the word I'm looking for is "U.N.C.O.N.D.I.T.I.O.N.A.L" it is a very overly used word in my church, yet it is not understood by most. In all actuality, I don't know if the outcome of my social transition really had anything to do with my physical location or who I was surrounded by.
I guess trials, regardless of nature verses nurture, inevitably change us. I believe that sometimes little characteristics change in us and other times the very core inside of us changes. For someone that wasn't even sure what her very core consisted of to begin with... well lets just say, I changed... a lot. I'm not even sure if I have changed for the better but I know I'm far from perfect, well I was always far from perfect so I should say that… I'm far from pretending that I'm perfect. I am not very social anymore and I don't try to be. Most people tend to bug me. So many people around me seem shallow and selfish and... well perfect, like the old me. I feel judged by many neighbors and friends and, ironically enough, I feel judged and frowned upon by those of my same faith and even ward. Most likely, if I'm looking at things in a healthy way, it is the awkwardness and fear I feel or maybe it's the temptation I have to simply conform again. I know I could rebound and be back in the "social circle" again but I also know I don't want to do what, in my opinion, it would take for me to get there. And for what... social status? Recognition? Titles? Regardless, I have a new view, a different angel or perspective. I don't know which view I prefer, which view is more warming and welcoming and stunning, it's just a different view. Unfortunately, as I'm writing this entry I feel hurt and lonely, maybe even a little bit rejected. There was a "girls luncheon" today and I wasn't on the "texting invite list", you know, that list that has the top 60 women in your neighborhood on it! There was also a luncheon last month that I got wind of afterwards that I wasn't invited to. And then there was that party at a house down the street hosted by some friends of mine... that I see... almost everyday and Mr. Wonderful and I weren't invited to it. Maybe I should recognize these "non-invites" as a trophy of my "non-conformance". Maybe I should see it as a milestone in my life... and actually, I think I do, most of the time... but not today, today I feel sad and scared and vulnerable... I wish I didn't care, or I wish I was angry but nope, I'm sad.
So what is the lesson to all this rambling of mine? Maybe the lesson is a terrible lesson... maybe the lesson is: If you don't conform and change who you are by assessing and reacting and putting forth the effort to stay on top of all the latest news and pregnancies and birthdays and gossip, if you don't do ALL of that, then you simply get what you deserve, a seat on the outside looking in, the ultimate loneliness. Or maybe I haven't seen the full cycle of this lesson yet, maybe the lesson is: Be true to yourself and you will, EVENTUALLY, attract those people towards you that knew you in the pre-mortal existence. Maybe you will attract people that matter and that can help you and teach you and relate to you. Maybe, just maybe, things will be okay, because they will. They will.
Now I'm going to go snack on my favorite ice cream (and by the way, it's Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter!).
In Utah I was perfect... or at least that was the identity I clung to or more accurately, the facade I clung to. I simply did everything by the book... you know what book I'm talking about, it's the big fat book called "People Pleasing" or "Conforming to What is Socially Right" or "People's Expectations: Meet Them at All Costs" also known as "Selling Your Soul to the Devil"... okay that last one may be a bit dramatic! Anyway, while living in my Utah life I didn't get to know myself, I didn't have enough courage to get to know myself. It was a lot easier for me to assess the situation and then perform. I was a great kid, my mom said I was the easiest baby and as a toddler I walked early, I talked early, and did everything I was asked. My mom shares with me stories about when I young, around 18 months, and I would be playing quietly with other kids during a play-date when she would call me over to where all the other mothers were sitting and ask "Alice, will you sing a song for us?" and politely I would sing a song... and get praise for it, I'm sure. As a teenager I was fun and energetic and talented. I wasn't a 4.0 student, I got 3.7's. I was always home by curfew, I wasn't boy crazy (my dads favorite thing), I was honest, happy, engaged, social... you know, perfect. I would diligently look for cues from my peers, my coaches, my parents, my sisters, my teammates, my teachers, and so many others (even the opinions of mere acquaintances matters you know!). I would be hard on myself when I failed and I would cautiously celebrate when I succeeded. I didn't know myself at all... not even what my favorite ice cream flavor was. But the rewards, oh the rewards of being perfect... I had friends, and lots of them. I was invited to everything: girls night out, date nights, the gym, play-dates with my kids, vacations, showers, luncheons, birthday parties, weddings, activities, and so much more. Oh and the trust that people gave me, it was exciting and flattering and fulfilling... a kind of fulfillment that would last, well, about 15 minutes. I was always the team captain or the president of my church class or leader or confidante. People sought my advice and listened as if I were a professional of some sort. It was wonderful and instantly rewarding and undoubtedly out weighed the idea or thought to step away and risk losing it all to find ME, and actually, to be honest, I thought that's who I was.
Then I moved away, away from family, friends, and streets with numbers; away from mountains and snow and security. At first I was living my Utah life in Arizona, you see my "Utah life" doesn't only exist in Utah. I didn't need a fresh start and frankly I didn't want one. In fact, I was intimidated at the thought that no one knew anything about my past. I was proud of my past, my past was proof, maybe even a resume, of how strong and perfect I was. I continued on being the only person I knew how to be, the "Utah Girl". I threw myself into my knew life and, as pattern would show, I had friends and neighbors who were eager to meet me and I was invited to all the baby showers and birthday celebrations and holiday parties and luncheons and campout and vacations and girls nights out. I was strong and resilient and determined to keep going the way I did in my Utah life. But then tragedy struck, and I mean real traumatic tragedy, and things got REALLY HARD. I went through (and am still going through) the single hardest experience and trial that I have ever been so privileged (insert sarcasm here) to go through. So I had to search, I had to take all of my energy and search. I searched for truth and guidance. I searched for help and security. Most of the time I didn't like what I found because it was raw, it was hard, and no matter how much I searched through that big fat book, the answer wasn't there. There were no cues or explanations. I didn't have it in me anymore to be perfect. All my time and thoughts and energy were dedicated to my wellbeing and my family. I became less social at first, and then practically anti-social. My trial wasn't appropriate to share with others so I had very few people to rely on for help. I forgot how to laugh and share and "hang out". My awkwardness was apparent so I stopped getting invited. In defense of my new social group, they didn't know or understand that I was going through something that was so much bigger than I was capable of handling. They didn't understand why I was so awkward and sad... and they had only known me for about 6 months so my roots weren't deep enough... but isn't that the reason we all aspire to have friends? So we have people we not only can have fun with, but also trust, or at least know that they trust us enough that if things are "off" or awkward it's okay? Does everyone deserve an explanation to why things have changed a little, or a lot? Is it my job to keep people comfortable when I am going through so much turmoil? I believe the word I'm looking for is "U.N.C.O.N.D.I.T.I.O.N.A.L" it is a very overly used word in my church, yet it is not understood by most. In all actuality, I don't know if the outcome of my social transition really had anything to do with my physical location or who I was surrounded by.
I guess trials, regardless of nature verses nurture, inevitably change us. I believe that sometimes little characteristics change in us and other times the very core inside of us changes. For someone that wasn't even sure what her very core consisted of to begin with... well lets just say, I changed... a lot. I'm not even sure if I have changed for the better but I know I'm far from perfect, well I was always far from perfect so I should say that… I'm far from pretending that I'm perfect. I am not very social anymore and I don't try to be. Most people tend to bug me. So many people around me seem shallow and selfish and... well perfect, like the old me. I feel judged by many neighbors and friends and, ironically enough, I feel judged and frowned upon by those of my same faith and even ward. Most likely, if I'm looking at things in a healthy way, it is the awkwardness and fear I feel or maybe it's the temptation I have to simply conform again. I know I could rebound and be back in the "social circle" again but I also know I don't want to do what, in my opinion, it would take for me to get there. And for what... social status? Recognition? Titles? Regardless, I have a new view, a different angel or perspective. I don't know which view I prefer, which view is more warming and welcoming and stunning, it's just a different view. Unfortunately, as I'm writing this entry I feel hurt and lonely, maybe even a little bit rejected. There was a "girls luncheon" today and I wasn't on the "texting invite list", you know, that list that has the top 60 women in your neighborhood on it! There was also a luncheon last month that I got wind of afterwards that I wasn't invited to. And then there was that party at a house down the street hosted by some friends of mine... that I see... almost everyday and Mr. Wonderful and I weren't invited to it. Maybe I should recognize these "non-invites" as a trophy of my "non-conformance". Maybe I should see it as a milestone in my life... and actually, I think I do, most of the time... but not today, today I feel sad and scared and vulnerable... I wish I didn't care, or I wish I was angry but nope, I'm sad.
So what is the lesson to all this rambling of mine? Maybe the lesson is a terrible lesson... maybe the lesson is: If you don't conform and change who you are by assessing and reacting and putting forth the effort to stay on top of all the latest news and pregnancies and birthdays and gossip, if you don't do ALL of that, then you simply get what you deserve, a seat on the outside looking in, the ultimate loneliness. Or maybe I haven't seen the full cycle of this lesson yet, maybe the lesson is: Be true to yourself and you will, EVENTUALLY, attract those people towards you that knew you in the pre-mortal existence. Maybe you will attract people that matter and that can help you and teach you and relate to you. Maybe, just maybe, things will be okay, because they will. They will.
Now I'm going to go snack on my favorite ice cream (and by the way, it's Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter!).
Alice
