Slipping into Darkness

Hopeless Alice

I have been through some crazy shit lately.

I've been traveling non-stop for 2 months for work, weddings, family vacations, the Togetherness Project... it's been so great and I am so grateful but it was too much.  Then, when I finally returned home, I prepared my house for company and the celebration of my daughters baptism.  It was too much. My life became unmanageable... it still is unmanageable.

To top it all off, my dad had an accident.  While helping my husband cut down our trees he fell.  He just fell out of a tree from 20 feet up and smacked directly on the cement.  I saw the whole thing.  The whole damn thing.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

This post isn't about my dad falling from a tree, he is alright and very lucky only suffering from 3 broken ribs, cuts, bruises and a shattered wrist injury that resulted in surgery.  So he's okay.

This post is about a different kind of fall.  One that is MORE traumatic to me than my dad falling.

This post is about a man (not Mr. Wonderful) a different man, let's call him Art.  I look up to Art so much.  I admire and trust and love him.  Art is a man who has taught me so much.  Art is a man who stands for truth and righteousness, who loves God and his family.  I know that if I was every in trouble I could pick up the phone and Art would help me anyway that he could.

The same week that my dad fell out of the tree injuring his body was the same week Art asked me to look up something on his phone and I stumbled across a history of pornography.

TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA

I HATE TRAUMA

What do I do?  How do I process this?  

Art is a pornography addict.  I knew about this.  I also "knew" that he was in recovery.  So did his wife and family.

I adore and love Art, just like I adore and love my dad.  My heart is broken.  My hope seems to be diminishing.  This world, this addiction, is taking even the best hearted people.  I am overwhelmed and I'm feeling myself slipping down the rabbit hole.

I feel heartbroken.
I feel sad.
I feel confused.
I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
I feel scared.

I am Slipping into darkness.  

I would rather have my dad fall out of a tree sustaining the injuries he received than have Art fall back into his addiction.

I CAN'T BREATH.

Sexualized World

"Eat Me - Drink Me - You'll be Happy"

Everything is so overly sexualized in this world.

It annoys me.

It annoys me to be out in public with Mr. Wonderful and all the sex symbols that surround society. The advertisements convincing me (and him) that if I look like this or that, if I wear this or that, if I eat (or don't eat) this or that, if I drink this or that... then and ONLY THEN will I be happy, will HE be happy.

When I am out in the world by myself I notice that, at times, I have to do self talk and use my tools to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

When I am out in the world with Mr. Wonderful I notice that, ALL of the time, I have to do self talk and I use up all my energy using every tool I've ever learned to stay grounded and to fight off all the lies that surround me.

Why is it like this?  Is it like this for any of you who have dealt with infidelity, porn addiction, sex addition, etc?

IT SUCKS! 

And I want it to STOP!

I would actually like to enjoy Mr. Wonderful and our time out on dates.  I would actually like date night to be the respite that it is suppose to be, not the exhausting work that it is now.

Stupid addiction.  Stupid betrayal.  Stupid lies.  Stupid overly sexualized world.

IT SUCKS!

"Alice Where Have You Been?"

Where have I been?

I have been honored to be part of some projects on fighting pornography.  I have been interviewed for a book that is currently being written about the effects that pornography and sex addiction has on the spouse of an addict.  I have been asked to present on pornography and participated in firesides about body image and eating disorders.  I have felt so under qualified to work with so many amazing people who dedicate their lives to making this world a better place.

I have been fighting for my marriage.  I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition.  I have been fighting against myself to trust my husband... because it feels like it's time to take those steps but I am terrified to take those steps.

I have been raising 3 beautiful children.  Teaching them about all the scary things that exist in this world and all the wonderful things and all the things in-between.  I have watched as my oldest has ventured into the big world of Jr. High and my baby growing into a little lady.

But mostly, of all these things I've been doing and all these places I have been, I am recovering.

This year has been so difficult.

Specifically one incident involving my baby has been so difficult.  And, although it was one single incident, there were so many factors that enabled this incident.  So many neglectful and painful factors.  However, this isn't my story to tell, it is hers.  I am a part of her story but it isn't mine to share.

As for my part in her story, my recovery from what she went through...

I seem to remember all the details yet, at the same time, it has felt like a tornado with winds blowing me every which way.

How does time and trauma do that?  How can it seem so fast and violent and out of control and yet, time seems to move in slow motion so that I don't miss any of the painful details?

Time is so strange.
Life is so hard.

I had a friend ask me today, "Alice, where have you been?"

I have been everywhere.  Some places have been beautiful and hopeful and wonderful.  Some places have been ugly and hopeless and dark.  I have been up and down and everywhere in between but the one place I haven't been is here.  I didn't know how to be here without writing a story that wasn't mine to write so I took a break and waited until I was ready, and now I'm ready.

Now I am here.

Dear Mr. Wonderful

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I need to start jogging again so you think I'm in the category of all the "other girls" that you find sexy and attractive. That distract your eyes and heart and take over your penis.  

All of those "other" girls.  

The skinny, tan, young, blonde, brunette, red, blue, purple women that seem to be more than me. All the pornstars that you think are unbelievable, all the strippers that I can never be, all the bodies you've touched and dreamed of touching that aren't mine.  The random neighbors, random grocery store workers, hair stylists, the wives of your friends, etc… 

The list never ends. 

I feel like such a failure around you because of all of this. I feel like a waste of space, like I'm worth NOTHING.

It's suffocating.
It's debilitating. 

You make me feel like a mistake. Like the world is better off without me. 

And sometimes I actually believe this.
Today is one of those days.

I Don't Understand

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Why do you find it so difficult to love me?  Why have you ALWAYS found it so difficult to accept me completely?  Why do you struggle finding peace in your decision to be with me?  I just don't understand.

I remember the day you knelt down on your knee in the snow and asked me to be your wife.  I remember feeling like the LUCKIEST girl in the world.  I remember feeling such relief that the ups and downs of our dating relationship and your indecisiveness were OVER!  I waited patiently, even though it hurt me, when you wanted to break up and then be together and then break up just so you could make sure you were able to venture out, but I understood.

Now I don't.

The Darkness will Clear

Mr. Wonderful got me my own hotel room for one night so I can get grounded again. I know he does this 99% for me and my sanity but that other 1% comes from his fear of "WHAT THE DAMN HELL IS HAPPENING TO HER!" 

My daughter is taking all of this better than I am. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
I have been working with the detectives and the police.  They have brought a lot of clarity to me. I hate it when people lie. I especially hate it when someone I really trust lies to me. I am surviving but I can't believe what people will do to cover their tracks. But I guess I can, I am just use to it from addicts. 

Truth!

Truth!

Our 2 hour marriage counseling session was… exhausting. 

But different. 

We are back to doing “check-ins” but they seem more authentic, more… I don’t know, something. 

I’m still recovering from last week in Newport and Mr. Wonderful saying some pretty hurtful things. Blaming. Projecting. All the bullshit.

It is ALL bullshit. 

I know it, I’m just wondering if he will ever know it.

Sometimes it feels like I live with two different men.