"Alice Where Have You Been?"

Where have I been?

I have been honored to be part of some projects on fighting pornography.  I have been interviewed for a book that is currently being written about the effects that pornography and sex addiction has on the spouse of an addict.  I have been asked to present on pornography and participated in firesides about body image and eating disorders.  I have felt so under qualified to work with so many amazing people who dedicate their lives to making this world a better place.

I have been fighting for my marriage.  I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition.  I have been fighting against myself to trust my husband... because it feels like it's time to take those steps but I am terrified to take those steps.

I have been raising 3 beautiful children.  Teaching them about all the scary things that exist in this world and all the wonderful things and all the things in-between.  I have watched as my oldest has ventured into the big world of Jr. High and my baby growing into a little lady.

But mostly, of all these things I've been doing and all these places I have been, I am recovering.

This year has been so difficult.

Specifically one incident involving my baby has been so difficult.  And, although it was one single incident, there were so many factors that enabled this incident.  So many neglectful and painful factors.  However, this isn't my story to tell, it is hers.  I am a part of her story but it isn't mine to share.

As for my part in her story, my recovery from what she went through...

I seem to remember all the details yet, at the same time, it has felt like a tornado with winds blowing me every which way.

How does time and trauma do that?  How can it seem so fast and violent and out of control and yet, time seems to move in slow motion so that I don't miss any of the painful details?

Time is so strange.
Life is so hard.

I had a friend ask me today, "Alice, where have you been?"

I have been everywhere.  Some places have been beautiful and hopeful and wonderful.  Some places have been ugly and hopeless and dark.  I have been up and down and everywhere in between but the one place I haven't been is here.  I didn't know how to be here without writing a story that wasn't mine to write so I took a break and waited until I was ready, and now I'm ready.

Now I am here.