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| Hopeless Alice |
I have been through some crazy shit lately.
I've been traveling non-stop for 2 months for work, weddings, family vacations, the Togetherness Project... it's been so great and I am so grateful but it was too much. Then, when I finally returned home, I prepared my house for company and the celebration of my daughters baptism. It was too much. My life became unmanageable... it still is unmanageable.
To top it all off, my dad had an accident. While helping my husband cut down our trees he fell. He just fell out of a tree from 20 feet up and smacked directly on the cement. I saw the whole thing. The whole damn thing.
TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA
I HATE TRAUMA
This post isn't about my dad falling from a tree, he is alright and very lucky only suffering from 3 broken ribs, cuts, bruises and a shattered wrist injury that resulted in surgery. So he's okay.
This post is about a different kind of fall. One that is MORE traumatic to me than my dad falling.
This post is about a man (not Mr. Wonderful) a different man, let's call him Art. I look up to Art so much. I admire and trust and love him. Art is a man who has taught me so much. Art is a man who stands for truth and righteousness, who loves God and his family. I know that if I was every in trouble I could pick up the phone and Art would help me anyway that he could.
The same week that my dad fell out of the tree injuring his body was the same week Art asked me to look up something on his phone and I stumbled across a history of pornography.
TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA - TRAUMA
I HATE TRAUMA
What do I do? How do I process this?
Art is a pornography addict. I knew about this. I also "knew" that he was in recovery. So did his wife and family.
I adore and love Art, just like I adore and love my dad. My heart is broken. My hope seems to be diminishing. This world, this addiction, is taking even the best hearted people. I am overwhelmed and I'm feeling myself slipping down the rabbit hole.
I feel heartbroken.
I feel sad.
I feel confused.
I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
I feel scared.
I am Slipping into darkness.
I would rather have my dad fall out of a tree sustaining the injuries he received than have Art fall back into his addiction.
I CAN'T BREATH.
Oh wow , so hard . The grief over a soul slipping back ...except somehow worse . A better liar , a better fake . Where to go from here . There are answers , we just maybe don't have them right now , but they are there . So sorry for your loss . And dang , why does it always pile up like this huh ?!? But there is at least one thing you can be certain of , in all this crushing uncertainty - God is faithful . God alone . And He faithfully loves you , and gets this pain .
ReplyDelete"God is faithful. God alone." - Thank you anonymous, your words will carry me through.
ReplyDeleteDid you tell his wife?
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason you stumbled across the pornography. That was no accident. God stands for truth, even when that truth is hard. :( So the question is, why would God show you that? What work does he want done?