Betrayal

Unexplainable pain and confusion.  "I thought you loved me" I said.  "We do" they answered… and they they lied. 

My week has been difficult.  I can't explain why and that's part of the difficulty.  There needs to be a reason why I struggle.  That's how my brain works.  If it doesn't make sense, I don't validate it.  I am working on this.  Sometimes I have a hard time, just because… lets see, why again?  Oh yeah… life is hard, my marriage is unstable, and I am so terribly terrified to trust anyone.  ANYONE.

I have been betrayed by so many secrets and so many supporters of these secrets.  People I loved lied to protect Mr. Wonderful.  My own blood, my own parents, my therapist, my sister… in an attempt to "protect me" they stood behind my husbands secrets and lies.  They weren't ignorant, they completely understood the situation… don't give them an out, they knew and they kept it from me.

This is a topic I haven't openly discussed because I truly love my parents, they are amazing.  I love my therapist, she knows how to reach me.  I love my sister… she's my SISTER.  My family is close.  We all get along for the most part.  We support each other, we love each other, we are functional, we communicate, we are a close family unit.  

My husband, Mr. Wonderful, shared his "pornography problems" with my family and then convinced these people, whom I love more than anything, to keep his lies and his secrets from me… and they did, for years, for 5 of the 6 years we were married my parents knew, I didn't.  I found out about Mr. Wonderful's sex addiction in 2007… and that same day Mr. Wonderful explained to me that my most trusted, most loved, most loyal, most faithful people in my life knew all about his addiction for 5 years, since 2002… we were married in 2001… I was told in 2007.  How could this have ever happened?  What could Mr. Wonderful have said to convince MY PEOPLE to turn on me?  "Turn on me", that term sound so extreme and so dramatic as I read it to myself, however, that is exactly what it feels like they did.  This makes me so sad.

It's been years, what bothers me is I found out in 2007 and it's 2013.  I am annoyed with myself because I feel as though I still haven't truly faced this part of my story and journey with Mr. Wonderful.  I am so hurt and so broken and I feel so unloveable and so weak because of this betrayal… I feel alone, lonely, unworthy… but I feel like it's all my fault… (and I admit, I say that with a lot of hesitation because I have been taught and told over and over again that it isn't my fault, but it still feels like it's my fault).  Please don't pour on the pity or the lectures, because I get it, I do, I just haven't been able to match my emotions with my knowledge.  And honestly, I can't blame myself too much.  When it seems as though the top 5 people in my life that I loved the most and trusted the most were all on the addicts side, well, it leaves a lot of room for self doubt.

And I am self doubting.

I mean, it's hard enough finding out that the love of my life had been betraying me and lying to me, this  made me doubt myself, made me feel crazy, made my reality turn into Wonderland, but   when "my people", "my top 5" jumped on board and supported Mr. Wonderful, well, that news may have been more devastating than the addiction confession.

This is why my week was hard.

I remember now.

I feel as though I have no one and I'm not sincerely motivated to reach out and find others that could help me… I mean, why should I give it another shot?  If my own family can stand by my cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, husband over me, than why should I believe that anyone truly would stand by my side and have my back?

Today I sign from a broken place, a hopeless place.
Today I feel as lost as I did back in 2007.
Today I feel alone.

Alice